Raining in LaLa Land

It has been sadly miserable the past few days in Los Angeles. Crazy rain fall reminding me of summers past when I watched my vegetable garden drown. I think there is a big misconception of the weather always being perfect here, cause it is not. For the record.

I don't always have profound things to say.

So I don't jibber jabber so much lately, just listening for the space to fill out with color- a lovely touch of laughter always adds such flavor to any conversation. There have been some recent exceptions, if you were on a date with me and asked all the right questions, you might get me to spill the beans on a general outline of the progression I have made as a human up until this point. If you were said date you might also get to hear how I feel I've never had a serious romantic relationship. Perchance you, being said date, might question the whys and wherefores of that reality. You might, even on a purely subconscious level, hesitate to explore future endeavors with such a person, even if you got on famously and talked in to the wee hours of dawn like little preteens.
I'm just saying.

The Sebastian Imposter

So... I've really thought hard about sharing this, but then I look back over texts that said: "There is a reason the Universe took your dog from you," and "I can see your powers of reason have not improved"... and I decided yes... at the expense of a bird who has slung more mud than the Mississippi, this story needs to be shared:

For most of you, I have been prodominately MIA. I don't really need to get in to the whys and wherefores, all I can say is don't take it personal... I'm working on myself at the moment and haven't allowed myself to get distracted.

Until last week... when an exroommate of mine said that my dog, Sebastian, who 3 years ago went missing, showed up at her house. Sounds miraculous? To good to be true?

Well it was. Now, I don't want to be a doomsdayer. Lord knows I love being optimistic, hopeful, and full of faith. At first I was taken with her story of him coming back. I was joyful of the prospect, I was dreading of the prospect, cause, Jesus, I live in LA and that means no yard and my building is a non-dog building... I would definitely have to make adjustments and changes in my life.

My rational side (in the form of a best friend) said, 'Slow down and ease in to this situation slowly. Wait to see proof. She is half crazy.' When I brought the idea forth to ex roommate, about seeing proof, she went NUTS. The angry texts were forthcoming, the hate spewing forth in a mad torrent of "Don't you think I know our own dog?" "Do you think this is some elaborate ruse?" "Why do you have such extreme trust issues?" as well as the comments I stated at the beginning of this blog. It was amazing to witness, her flipage of the lid. Way extreme and completely over the top...

Let's play a game: how many differences can you find in these two pictures? and yes, the eyes have been blacked out to protect the innocent.

An old family photo:

The resurrected (in the forefront):


Maybe she's white, and I'm black. I could very well be in denial. It could be "my inability to use my brain in simple ways" that I don't believe that in 3 years a dog that wasn't a puppy anymore when he left can grow floppy ears, change the markings in his coat, and fill out to twice his size.

Now with Action Arms!

I'm a clown,
a fool
hiding in plain sight.
I'm not saying it is a bad thing!
I pack a potent punch
of cosmic divine radiance
so I've got nothing
to complain about.
Sometimes I'm caught
in my own silliness,
which is inherently
jester-like so it
is all good in the hood,
dig?
I dig you, too.

Wheatgrass and Consciousness

I had the pleasure of juicing my own wheat grass this morning, and it felt like I jump started my body. I can feel this aliveness spreading out from my stomach, pulsating though my entire body. What I wonder, as I experience this, is why I don't feel this alive all the time. Why do I not allow this level of awareness to be with me constantly; of every moment, of every day?
I was reintroduced to the flesh puppet that hosts my soul:
"Oh, hello there, where have you been?"
"Right here, the whole time... haven't gone anywhere."
"Oh, really? That's funny, I totally forgot you existed at all."
"I know."

Yesterday I had a vision and a moment of clarity about my purpose. I saw myself radiating out acceptance and compassion to everything around me. I was in a convenience store, anchoring down through me this peaceful love to the cashier, to the person in front of me, the person behind me, to everyone else in the aisles at the store, beyond even further out in to the street and then I lost the image. It vaporized and I was left sitting in my reality. I was a little stunned by the experience but thought, "That seems easy enough."

I'll let you know how it goes.

My mantra for today:

I thank God the giver, for God the gift.

Join me, if you want to. We can create such beautiful things.

The Reason Why

I don't give
my friends,
my family
massages cause
they can still
hurt
my hands.
I guess
I'm selfish
that way.
My gift has gotten
rusty yet I never
oil the hinges...
in the days to come
in the last moment
I will tell you
I have always loved you-
though I never could
express it right.
What it was,
was:
I didn't want
to open up
and face the pain.
I know
I'm selfish
that way.

Too much?

I think I need to quit one of my five jobs. It's getting really confusing. I was hired today at a massage place, and now something solid in my schedule has landed and I'm hesitate committing to shifts. I've stared at them for hours. Suddenly, I have solidity and I hesitate on taking it. GO ME. Today I was an extra on Deal or No Deal. Well, that game show can be QUITE intense. I found myself more in to it than I thought possible. Like good little pets we cheered when they told us too, boo when the banker said something rude to the contestant, and laughed when Howie said something mildly funny. We taped 5 episodes in one day. We all had to wear scarf and hats, because it was the "holiday" shows. So, when the time comes you can look for me in the audience. I actually have prime location sitting in front of the score board. I'm wearing what I call my "Russian Princess" faux fur cap, and enthusiastically clapping... cause that's what I was getting paid to do.

Draw time for bag design

Before I engage in my drawing endeavor today, just one of the many ways I make money, I will blog.
At the moment, I am in downtown Los Angeles looking out on a very grey overcast day. Across from me are buildings not in use, including the Alexandria Hotel. I look in on their empty floors and search for signs of life, but I find none.
My reality has shifted a lot in the past two weeks. In it I was a part of a beautiful wedding ceremony, I found out about a friend's rape, I got a chance to perform, another friend got roughed up by her boyfriend (ex, I should say), and I got to spend time with a lover who makes me feel good and I trust. A giant juggernuat of emotions came along with all these things. I was ready to get my nose to the grindstone back in LA.

At this point, a boyfriend would just get in the way.
I made this discovery when the statement fell out of my mouth in conversation. An old friend was asking me about my life and we came across the love subject. The last time she saw me I was dating a man going off to war. As I was updating her on the status of my love life and how dating has been in Los Angeles, I said, "I have had lovers here and there, but at this point..."
Someone then told me I was scandalous, "in the best sense of the word." Maybe a little, but really I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm a modern woman, not willing to suffer from illusions. I believe I'm a beautiful creature who deserves the best and doesn't settle for less.

Sacred Space

I imagine taking you
to see
the ocean.
I see us jumping in the waves,
absorbing the art for sale,
watching the crowd...
holding hands.
I don't stretch myself far
to hold you
cause I've got you.
I felt this
when I saw my bathrobe
sharing the back of the door
with yours.
Others may come
and go
they slip by
without a good purchase.
My things
breathe my essence,
offering my presence
as I am absent.
You anchor my being
and ground me
in love.

Your devotion

gives me sacred space.

In it

I can do no wrong

and the world

is at

my feet.

Time

will show us

our whole spectrum

from which we get to create.

I Don't Sleep Well

This morning I'm up
before I want to be.
Thoughts keep me
from peaceful rest.
It is not about me
yet it is
as a sit with information
I never wanted
access to.
I would die
a thousand times
to save you
from the wrath
the hell and the fury
that consumed you
in its' smoldering flame
but I am only here
to bare witness.
It is not my place to
sacrifice myself
it is you that was
forced to do it instead.
The least I can do
is help you carry
the burden, with
a willingness
that knows
no bounds.

Contemplations on a Monday

In the past few days,
my grandma Betty
has been hanging around.
She has appeared in the ring
on my dresser,
in a small diner
somewhere in LA
pouring coffee,
and today as I hemmed and hawed
over how much
to spend on hair bands
she showed up to help me
with making my decision.
I went with the
multifunctional black.
Which should probably shed
some light on how
I'm getting by.
The last time
Betty and I
spent physical time
together,
we discussed a lot of things.
What her life was like in
California, the current affairs,
what we felt was important for
the country, if she ever
saw ghosts- she didn't,
but
she believed in angels,
and she believed me
when I told her
I can feel them.
I don't think
anyone in my family
has ever understood
the relationship we had
together
when no one else
was around.
Grandpa
maybe
but he went deaf
a while back
and didn't pick up
all the things
Betty and I
laid down.
She gave me her
sage advice
and when I told her
how many hours
I work a week,
she told me
I should work more.
I should be working
6 days a week.
I kinda of scoffed
at her suggestion
thinking to myself
times weren't as hard
for me
as they were
for her
back in the day.
When she visited
today, I heard
her words
again
and sighed
as I put back
the rainbow hairbands.
"Yes, Grandma,"
I muttered,
and smiled
at the next person
I saw.
She was a frog
of a woman, a
Russian old lady
with orange hair.

Before the Work Begins

I am pulled to communicate
what I saw on the streets.
Up a block I watched
the fire trucks
blare past me.
As I came apon
where they stopped
I saw
a woman
writhing
and clutching herself
on the ground,
her walking cane
laid out
alongside her.
Police surrounded her
trying to communicate
with her. They
didn't seem
like they were
having much luck.
My hand
instinctively
reached for my heart.
I pray for her,
but
I walk on by.
I do not stop to lend a hand.
I know, I know,
the police were there,
it is their job to
take care of it.
But I'm still
left feeling
saddened that I
like so many others
walked on by
as someone reached out
in physical pain,
drug induced
or not
something doesn't
sit right
in me. There is
a fidgeting
in my spiritual belief
concept. This
feels like
a moral dilemna.
Next time,
what difference
will I make?
What will I do
when pain lies
on my path.
One thing
I know
I won't continue on,
like nothing happened.
I've got
solid proof
there's not a chance.

Ding Ding!

That is the sound you will here on the sidewalks of Hollywood if I'm coming up behind you and you are hogging the sidewalk. Dear reader, you may be asking me silently in your head: "Why would you make that sound at strangers, Katrina?" Well, I don't... but the bell on my new bike does! That's right! I got it at a garage sale for 5 bucks. It is a shiny emerald green beach bike with a basket. So far I've ridden it to a vocal lesson and the post office... and back to the bike shop cause I needed a new tube for the back tire. I've named it already, it's my Emerald City. I also have a shiny helmet cause I live in an urban jungle with a bunch of crazy mofos and the last thing I want is a dent in my head. I put stickers on it. My friend Chris put pipe cleaner antenna it as well and told me not to take them off. At first I felt very ridiculous but he dared me to keep them on because I looked adorable with them. So I paired it with my super big bug-like sunglasses and happily buzzed down the street. As I figure, a few of my duties on this planet are to make people smile and feel good, so wearing curly antenna around Hollywood is within my M.O. It's made for some interesting conversations already from random positive comments on the street, to a little girl in an elevator who thought it was super cool, and the post office lady also liked the fact that a "girled up" my helmet. I've encountered some immovable frowns too, but more then anything, I feel they shouldn't take themselves so seriously.

I missed you

No more
love poems
displays of affection
no link left.
The movement
in my stomach
is unpleasant.
I am not
as cool
as I want to be,
always room for improvement.
No wonder you've been
distant.
How typically American:
drop a bomb
and walk away
like nothing happened.
I was out of the picture
after the first scene.
Everything is in
movie language
these days.
It's a theme
that won't shut up.

Win Win

The beginning
and the end
to this story
will be the same.
That's what she said.
I didn't argue-
the truth is etched
in the walls, posted
on billboards...
I would cry
if I found comfort
in it. I walk tall
I entertain
I smile
I feel good
and sometimes
I also
roll around
in my own drama
but I don't usually
make the habit
of inflicting it
apon others.
There is a
fundamental difference...
I see it, appreciate it,
cherish it, because it will
help me walk taller
and smile wider
and feel better
that I refuse
to be tangled and trapped
in to feeling guilty
for being myself
and doing my thang.

Truth

LA has turned
my skin
a different color.
The dirt lies thick.
There's a stain on
my forehead.
It won't come off.
I challenge myself
with the joys of creation
and the foundation of a
cash flow.
I should market it-
too bad I just want
to give it away.
Tomorrow will be crazy.
I must be ready for anything.
Yesterday was a let down.
Today I even got
the recycling out.
The todo list
almost got
completely finished but
I encountered obstacles,
I manuevered around them
as best I could.
Even played my guitar.
Tomorrow is tightly booked
beginning to end.
I should go to bed soon,
but you should see the closet.
Someone could hurt themselves...
maybe get lost for weeks.
I'd feel guilty,
but at least it's clean.
Unlike my forehead, which
has changed it's pigmentation
to something I'm not used to
and I'm pretty sure
don't like.

Awareness

I am aware of the fact that I don't post like I used to. When I lived up north seemed like I had more to work with. I've been in survival mode, working to make ends meet. My creativity has been missing me and the reminders were polite at first, but now, it is quite insistent I pay it attention. La Paper Bag popped up out of no where. Old characters want to come out of the closet and dance around the living room. I want to let them.
I think I pissed off my mom, I was a little harsh. It happened when she sent me a forwarded email with some conservative no nothing bullshit which stereotyped democrats or any person I guess that issues with how Guantanamo Bay is run, as hippie wacka-dos. It was completely flippant about the use of torture in a way that made me lose my shit.
Now since losing my shit I had a very interesting conversation about what "water boarding (where they make you feel like you are going to drown), and from what I understand, it is very uncomfortable, but not scarring like hooking up someone's testicles to an electric current. So, there you go, mom, I guess what they do there is not so bad. No physical torture, just mental. That's humane, right?
The viral trash completely disregarded hundreds of journalists and lawyers accounts and input with a Neanderthal attitude of "Bad man, bad. Hurt bad man."

Now, she knows that I don't like receiving the conservative housewife viral bullshit, but as a good friend pointed out that I should be grateful I do get them, so I can see what is going on in their minds to help understand them better.

How noble. One side of me wanted to be gagged with a spoon, the other half recognized the truth.

For reals?

Dunkin Donuts has become a major sponsor for Yahoo's sports. That's right, SPORTS. Their slogan is "powered by Dunkin Donuts."
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA!

Whew, I had to wipe away a tear on that one.

Today is the Day

What am I doing with my life? Doing my best to fill it with positive things. Today is a day of preparation, planning, and perchance a little execution. I am cleaning my space and organizing my life and willing something good to come from it. I'm establishing my headquarters. I'm playing fun music that helps me dance as I clean. I am making myself high on yerba mate (which is incidently cleaning out my bowels as well, whew!), cause I'm striving for a little clarity to blast forth full throttle in the most appropriate direction. Which I inwardly chuckle at that last bit, cause honestly, I'm usually pouring out in every direction. So I'll modify and say directionSSSSSSSSS.

There is Little That I Know

Not many I fully understand.
There was a time
where I begged
BEGGED
to have a more
comprehensive outlook
but I was shown
it was not mine
to question
but to follow orders.
Normally, I don’t
question the path,
I just take it,
as I’ve seen enough
to know that there are
greater forces at work
than little old me, but
at the moment I feel
the desert wind cold
on my skin and I’m
yearning for that which
is beyond me.
Something that this
present moment
can not give me,
and I feel robbed.

Amma visited LA

Amma was in LA last week. Of course, I swung by to hang out. Once again, she had many lessons for me. This is what it looked like setting up. You can see them setting up her shops in the back, that help her various charitable efforts, the sound men setting up their equipment, and I helped set up the stage. Which I felt was a tremendous honor for me: to make the stage beautiful for Amma.

Heart Mission

I was treated like gold,
platinum even,
and then abandoned for
a bottle with a ship
in it.
I touched a tear
that fell for my beauty.
Someone tried to
argue the sunshine
out of me,
then kissed me
on the cheek for it.
This assignment
I was handed
was tender, sweet,
and saddening.
The ship in that
bottle doesn't sail
very far.
If I could make this
all make sense
I would, but it doesn't
make sense
to me.

Lover

We don't have to talk much
I like being held.
I like watching the world
continually unfold before me.
I surprise myself by
being being
unaware of it
most of the time.
What we share has
kindled over time,
I am enjoying
what
it has added to my days...
now that there are no
road blocks.
Funny how I'm not anxious.
Funny how steady my steps
are as I come up to your door.

Lesson on Love:

"Love is yoga,
love is knowledge,
love is peace,
love is medicine,
love is wealth;
love is the greatest treasure of the heart.
Love is the magnet that attracts the divine power.
Therefore, love and let love flow in your heart."

Swami Muktananda

1st encounter with a celebrity:

So I'm getting my car cleaned at the nearest Car Wash Place, I'm scribbling away in my little journal when a homeless person sticking his change cup up my nose alerted me to the fact that I recognize the actress sitting next to me on the bench.  She was on the L-Word on Showtime.  Thanks to Netflix, I've watched a few seasons; she's the bad girl hairdresser that can't hold a relationship because of her fear of intimacy.  As I said, I watched a few seasons.  I found her character lovable for all her tough exterior.  

Judging by our time together, I didn't make any impressions.  She might, now this is just a possibility, but she might have been creeped out by my eyes bugging out at her.  I couldn't tell, she put her sunglasses on once we made eye contact.  After that she had to wrestle her pug-like dog Chloe from attacking a weimeraner  (sp?) named Henry.

Maybe next time I'll be brave enough to say "You are lovable for all your tough exterior."  Maybe she would even let her dog bite me.

Cutting and Pasting

Here I am in Lala Land. I'm not overwhelmed, but there is a lot of information to take in. I can see where it would be easy to do. I haven't seen everyone I know here, I'm setting up shop, my to do list keeps growing, and there are lots of friends I'm behind on contacting. 
This is a huge city. People are everywhere, constantly. I've been used to the constant sound of a running creek, it is replaced now with the sound of traffic constantly moving.
I see that I'm needed here, and that I need to be here. I don't know for how long.
Lots of people walk around here with unhappy faces. The place needs some cheering up. I'm aware this is only a microcosm. 
Did you know the rest of the world believes America is the biggest threat to world peace?
Yep. No joke. It's us, we are the bad guys, and if you weren't aware of this fact, I say: LOOK UP. You are focusing your perception on your feet when you walk not the world you are walking in.
I could tell you more of all the things I've seen and been even within these last two weeks. However, I'm still processing all the information, it could take a little while.
Before I sign off, what I can say is this: I am right with my world, and I'm projecting out love from all sides. I feel like a bell ringing with sparkles and fairy dust swirling around me. I am happy to be in my skin, it feels good to be me.
I take time to be thankful and gracious throughout my day. When the negative comes a knocking I take the effort to address it immediately, and start ticking off all the things that are right in my life. It makes getting through my day more effortless and free.
I can't wait to share my pictures, that is coming soon. 

Would you believe me?

If I told you all that I've been experiencing this past week, I'm not sure you would.  I don't even know if I could recount all the things that have come from left field that have turned out really fun to dance to.  At least I had fun doing that last night.  Some raggae band in Fairfax, CA.  How did I end up there?  I'm not really sure because we got terribly lost along the way.  I wasn't too sure about a white brother leading the band, but I tranced out a little in my dancing so I guess the beat was a groovy one.  

Here's something completely off my point, or maybe not: search youtube for "tedtalks stroke". Yep, those no space between the ted and the talks.  And, yes, I think you might even thank me.

My friend Lorriane is traveling with me as well but she is a little more camera shy this time. She was a little embarrassed I posted so many pics of her from our last trip.  I think she needs to get over it, as she is amazingly photogenic.    

I've been enjoying good company all along the way to Los Angeles.  New friends and old. Seriously, this adventure is a chart topper.  I might even add a day to my travels to take in a little more of the California coast.  The Big Sur is calling, I may or may not answer.  

I've been enjoying being thankful and grateful.  When I wake up I start ticking off a list of anything that comes to mind that I am both of.  I also do this through out my day whenever I think on it, and especially when old man fear comes a knocking.  He keeps saying I'm going to fail, but we all know what a crappy ass liar he is.  When I start reciting my list he gets bored and doesn't want to hang around and listen.  His loss, not mine, and that gets a Reverend guarantee. 

I dream

I dream...
of an America where we have a government who is willing and brave enough to change our erroding infrastructure. Where our elected officials are actually elected officials, and where the vote aka voice of the people actually counts for something.

I dream...
of a government who is willing to take back the power and control they gave corporations which have allowed those corporations to poison our democracy, our media, the people, and the planet.

I dream...
of a world where corporations actually cared about the lives they are affecting, that they actually cared about our health and well being, and not the thickness of their wallets.

I dream...
because the reality that my visions create will ripple out to bring positive change to my world.

I know this is true because
I believe in myself,
I believe in you,
I believe in love,
I believe we can use our power for good.
I believe people are waking up from their soul sleep,
and I believe people are ready to not sit idle by.

Find the Issue

There is doubt and fear
buzzing around annoyingly
inside my brain,
I give them the
stink eye
but it does little good.
They are defiant.
Lists I've made
are everywhere,
scattered about
my mind and
on little pieces of paper.
I've currently
misplaced them all.
On average,
it would appear
I'm dumbfounded.
I catch myself
carrying on
long dialogs
with myself.
I interview myself
on a number of different
topics- ranging from
fashion, education, global warming,
the importance of laughter,
and anything else I find of interest.
I've been wondering
the exact point of these
impromptu talk shows.
The conclusion I've come to
is that I'm making sure
my opinions are
well founded and researched.
Which I was assured
by myself
that they are.

Grandma's ring

Oh, hi. Almost forgot all about ya. Well, I am going to Lala Land, and probably this coming weekend, if all goes according to plan. I will camp for a week in my favorite hot springs and then head on down to the concrete jungle. I am excited for my next step. I hope I can finish my Ganesh in time. Yesterday I perfected his man boobs. They were described by my friend as "elegant" which I guess is appropriate for an elephant.
As for the title of this entry... I went to the local pub to celebrate their 8th anniversary. It was chilly that night so I was taking my gloves off and on. When I got home and began to settle down for the night, I became very aware that my ring was missing.
I actually have two rings from my grandmother: one I would call a cocktail ring, the other is the one I wear more often. One I was given after her death, the other she gave me this ring when I was in high school. Until that point, even up in to middle school, she would get me crap things for Christmas like a rotating unicorn music box. I had come to expect this from my grandma, and did my best to seem pleased by her gifts. When she gave me her old amethyst, I had never received such a beautiful, grown up gift. I have cherished it always.
This is the ring that went missing. I tore apart my other jewelry, I checked pockets and bags. I went in to town the next day and searched the ground of the pub. I called the owner and asked him if they'd seen it. I had to reconcile myself with this being a matter of attachment to a physical object, and that my love for my grandmother is merely symbolized in the ring, but our love is ultimately greater. Tough work, that. More importantly, I prayed.
I performed at the open mic the next night. Not many people signed up, so the guy running it let me have a loooong set. I talked about bunches of stuff, including the missing ring and my DMV experience (I showed up 2 minutes too late, those ladies wouldn't budge and didn't care I drove 30 minutes to get there. I'd have to come back the next day to start the test. I wouldn't be that friendly if I worked at the DMV either). At the end of my set the bartender stood holding my ring, without a dent or scratch on it.
She told me I was a very lucky girl, and I couldn't agree with her more.

Freedom

Two days ago I was so sure. Now I waffle again with indecision. North Cali will be hard to leave. I auditioned for the Groundlings school of improv they told us to call after 12pm to find out the results of our auditions... and they called me. Ha. Let my ego inflate for a little as I absorb this small token of my brilliance.
LA is a land of posers that wear a lot of black and aren't too friendly. It also absolutely REEKS with opportunity.
Do I have loose ends to tie up? Yes, yes, I do.
A residency at a hot springs would be pretty cool, I can not deny this.

R.I.P.

My friend lost his mom on St. Patrick's day. When her children first went in to her house, they found a list she had been working on, waiting for them to read. At the funeral, everyone got a copy and they read what she wrote aloud. It would appear she wrote her own eulogy:

"Wonderful Things About Me:

I love to laugh. I am fun, pretty, loving, caring. I am a wonderful grandma. I am a great friend. I have pretty hair, eyes, feet. I am a good hiker. I am always trying to be happier, I love to have fun. I love to have a beautiful home and beautiful things. I am a very gifted lover. A wonderful thing about me is that I never give up. I always want to be better, happier, know more stuff. I am a wonderful friend who lets others live their lives. I live and let live. I am a wonderful traveler. I am a wonderful gardener. I am sexy, energetic, vital woman. I have great legs. I am good at accepting other people for who they are. I don't try to control or change them. I see and notice the things I like in others and take my attention off the things I don't like. I focus on only the wonderful things in every person and only look for such things. I never blame or criticize myself or others. I deeply love myself and think I'm great. Cool, lovely, wonderful.
My happiness is the most important thing and only I can control my happiness. It isn't anyone else's job. My own happiness is a personal choice at all times. I know that I am perfect and worthy and deserving of anything and everything I could possibly want. I will free myself of the job of making anyone else happy and will trust that they can do that themselves. I do not expect others to behave anyway to please me or to change their behavior to please me or "make me happy"- that is an inside job.
I have a weird sense of humor. I love deeply and am eager to love and not afraid of being hurt. The cage around my heart is falling off. I like me. I am OK. I have a great sense of style and design. I have a playful little girl inside me. I stay connected to those I love. I forgive easily and fully those whom I perceive have harmed me. I laugh often and loudly, and chuckle under my breath at the delight life holds and the absurdities that it brings."

Aria Walker (August 17, 1948-March 17, 2008)


A wise teacher I only had a short time to learn from. My lessons were short but the impact was great. Thank you, Aria.

One of my favorite qoutes:

"Huge trees are uprooted and buildings collapse in a cyclone, but no matter how strong a cyclone is, it cannot touch the grass. This is the greatness of humility." -Ammachi

City of Wrong

I got lost 6 times going to my interview, and I'm not even kidding. Then THEN they tried to make me think that giving a massage for 15 an hour was acceptable. So if I did 4 massages in a day I would make 60 bucks before taxes. Ha, double ha ha.
On the plus side I found fabulous deals at a huge Salvation Army store, and got 2 new outfits for under 10 bucks.

The Lord's Prayer

This morning I'm preparing for an interview. There are a lot of thoughts in my mind, which isn't unusual, but today I caught myself in some negative ones. To stop myself from continuing down that road, I recited the Lord's Prayer in my mind, to restore some healthy order.
In retrospect, I'm a little surprised, I have some mantra prayers I have lined up I use when my head goes to bad places. This morning, I went to the one that has been with me all these years. It was what I chanted when I was little: scared out of my wits, late at night, and I was dead sure a boogie monster was about to reach his hand up from underneath the bed.
Today, I still find comfort it.

In my room...

which has a lovely view... I've been working on making my next step. Since I've had no luck in figuring out what I want to do, I've been putting out feelers in every direction. I visited downtown Santa Rosa yesterday. I didn't connect to the place very much, it was kinda blah, but maybe that was the errand I tagged along for. I go to LA in 2 weekends to audition for the Groundlings school. My acceptance in to their program will be valid for a year. I applied for residency at a hot springs, that would be a treat. Some spa director called me from the Santa Rosa area, so I will probably interview with her, too. There is also Seattle. I'd be closer to my sister and a major burlesque hub. San Francisco is not as uptight as LA.
There is opportunity for growth everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

From My Heart

Life is too short to hold on to grudges, to harbor resentments, to let pains go unforgiven. Especially considering the current state of affairs, and the depression that is already apon us, it is extremely important to let those that mean so much to us in our hearts know that as truth. Pain is an illusion, that keeps us from the truth of love. Wise and powerful are those that can and do indure great pain but still be able to appreciate the beauty of life. My grandfather's spine is literally deteriorating in his body, but he always greets me with a smile. It is not healthy for us to hold on to negative emotions: anger, jealousy, resentment, etc. all have one root and that is fear. Over time, these feelings manifest physically in our body, when we bury them and hold on to them, we become diseased, break it down it is truly dis- ease. Take care of yourself, honor your emotions and feelings but don't let them block you from the simplicity of enjoying the world around you. Your mind is not as strong as your soul, but can be if you let it. It is merely a tool for you to use, it is not meant to be in control. Take a moment from your day to breathe in the beauty around you, be it in the first flowers of spring, or the cracks in the sidewalk. It is important for us to recognize the demon fear when it arises in us, and not succumb to it's lies. The world could wipe away in a heartbeat, impending doom is always apon us... if we let it. As we come on to struggling times... who knew? Things have gone south for an overpopulated planet, and to me, that means it is even more our responsibility to be stewards of love and it's inherent truth. It is up to us to be beacons and torchbearers, and light the way through the turmoil and the mire and muck and whatever else tries to block the path to the warm buttery grace of love. We have a great responsibility to our world, our family, our friends, our foes to be that better person inside us, to be there for each other, and to help one another get through the tough times ahead.

A warm caring hand is more valuable than a plasma screen could ever be.

Sincerely,
The Reverend Mad Hatter (with Rhinestones)

Where do we go from here?

What I need to do is rent the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and sing the shit out of the song that recites that lyric. This is more of the same blither blather I keep dishing out, stop reading if you have heard it all before. Coming up with a decision right now is as easy as me finding a loving lover. That could be taken wrong. I'm not saying I need to have a lover before I can make a decision, what I mean is it's impossible. Either one seems to be a thing that will never happen. With all this change going on in the world surely, I think, should these things shift too. Surely.

Factoring in economy.

Holy shit, right? They tried to calm us down years ago with: "We're not in a recession, look at the housing market! Look at it! It's so great! Nothing is going wrong! A subprime mortgage is a BRILLIANT idea! Everyone can afford a house!"
I called bullshit, and seems like no one listened. So I let out a big: "HA!" followed quickly by an "Oh, shit."
Great change is a foot.
Let's all stay on the positive end of this: "Sometimes you have to lose it all, before you truly know what you have," and that my friends, is a qoute from Carlton Pierson.

Healing turtles and other stuff

Candy the Turtle doesn't wheeze so much, nor does she foam at the mouth anymore. I think she is all better but another 9 shots await her. Capt. Bob is looking better too, his shell is not so moon crater like as it was when the trouble began.

I'm still indecisive. I ask everyone's opinion on where I should go. I get a lot of different answers. I'm not closer to a decision. It almost seems like the more people I ask, the more confused I get.

One of my good friend says: "It's a big decision to make. It's understandable you don't know what to do."

That makes me feel better, but not for long. :}

Ug.

I am
sofa king
we tar
dead.

Bags and Boxes

It is what my life is contained in
fitting in a corner
organized and diligent
ready to go
or
ready to set up shop
at the drop of a hat.
I feel elite in
my transience.

Ahem.

I feel a little taking advantage of at the moment. I don't quite now how to respond about it. My temper is ready to lash out, I'm trying to keep my cool. I think I already let some leak. :(
Giving details as to what I'm pissed about would only fuel this fire.
I come to my blog to calm me. This is safe and sacred ground. This is my land that I built with struggle and strife, joy and elation, my own sense of humor. This is as close I get to a home right now.

Tomorrow will be a new story.

March, huh? How about that March? March is historically a hard month for me. Ask any in my immediate family. This is the month in which:
1. My father passed away (sometimes I feel his hand on my shoulder)
2. So did my maternal grandmother (she is with me everytime I put on the her ring)
3. So did my college buddy Brett (too young, my God, I'm older now than when he died)
4. Sebastian my dog disappeared (I'm still waiting for him to come home)
5. I saw someone shot and killed in a bar (Still thankful I went through that)
This is a month where the pain of the past rolls around me, much like the mist I watch that slides around the mountains. Sometimes it passes through me, most times I watch it with fascination, like a car wreck you can't pull your eyes from.
I've lost everything I've put the most value in to. At this point, there is nothing you can put me through that would be worse than what and where I've already been.

I may be crying and bemoaning my state of affairs but I still put one foot in front of the other, just the same.

So, I guess what I'm saying is BRING IT. I may hide my strength from myself at times but I wouldn't have made it thus far without it.

This is my year,

and I'm claiming it. A little grace? I've got some, thanks.
I set out from Oklahoma on a journey, the world beckoned me to step out of my box. It was bigger than me, much bigger than Tulsa, the Universe said: "Go, here are some signs, now go!"

I don't know what the hell is going to happen by the end of this month. I can tell you this: I really enjoy being in the world right now. I've been scared at times, but on the whole I feel really good. I'm climbing steep hills on the physical, emotional, and spiritual. I'm enjoying the challenge, and I'm up for it.
I have options, and that is pleasing. I might jet on over to Hawaii. Just had this very interesting conversation today about the feasibility of doing just that. Too bad all my Hawaii-like clothes are in storage. I could work and get paid living on this organic farm on Maui. It has an outdoor kitchen?!? Wouldn't that be a trip? My question apon hearing that was:
"Is the weather really that nice to have an outdoor kitchen?"
The answer was a slow, drawn out, emphatic, "yes."
I've been lead to believe there is a local room available for rent. I wouldn't have to move far at all.

I've thought about a bigger city. I don't think I'm ready, I wanna be. But not really. I would like to see the spring that the mountains will bring and oh, what a sweet little rhyme.

Ever Shifting Landscape

Look at that world
out your window
as you drive
to where you're going.
Never is quite the same.
Change can happen so quick
you blink and before you
have time to even think
the whole world
has turned upside down
and you have
a whole new view
to contemplate.

Oh my F-ing God

The culprit for the poor state of the dear turtles was due to their living conditions. Which were, to put it mildly, DISGUSTING. I am having a hard time not passing judgement here. I took pictures to document. The smell of decaying matter I pulled out of the tank has made the whole house reek. I attacked the scum with gloves and a gallon of vinegar. Also, a dear dear friend who willingly pitched in, although neither of us knew what we were in for.

Bob has terrible shell rot. His shell rot looks like crater acne.
The lady turtle Candy has pneumonia and shell rot as well, though not as bad as Bob.
They are in tubs under heat lamps. They only get a couple of hours in the water a day. Candy must be given shots daily.

Somedays... I'm not so poetic nor philosophical.

Ganesh, my hero

Bah! So, today was a day of productivity, and amazing works of crazy upheaval...
So, I did a lot of self promotional things today. Gooooooo me! Went around town, posted a lot of flyers, gave a wicked massage. He was a good little reciever too, completely emptied his lungs and breathed in to the pain whenever I asked him to! SWEET. To tell the truth I was a little inflated by my job well done. I'm bad ass.

I found out the housing I found for my cats is not working out. The guy offered to crate them and have them sent. Doesn't seem that is going to work considering I don't have a home currently. This is very unsettling.

The turtles under my care are both sick. A nasty case of shell rot, the other seems to have a respiratory infection. I have to find them Vet care tomorrow, up in the mountains, on a Saturday.

My friends and I have been talking about working with clay. Today, I got to started making a little statue out of clay shaped like Ganesh, Destroyer of Obstacles. I think the timing is perfect.

Addendum

I'm kinda getting
sick and tired
of taking the blame
over crap ass
romances.
I know this may come
as a surprise and shock.
The evidence
of my greater good
is pretty telling:
I'm a treasure
among treasures.
Today this fella
delicately tried to tell me
if I lost more weight
than maybe I'd get
more of the attention
that I want.
I'm not sure
if that's the kind of attention
I'm after.
I'll be enjoying
my sexuality
over here, thank you.
What I was trying to tell the guy:
I'm pissed off at God
because I am sick and tired
of him/she/it
taking me down
dead end paths of love-
when love should be
and is in a constant state
of expansion and growth.
With this knowledge and presence
you'd think I'd get
a bone thrown my way
once in a while,
and I do it's just...
I want something
where I could be allowed to trust
and explore with a partner
who was willing to share
but nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I get nothing.
Glimpses, really.
Not like I should be focusing
much farther beyond myself
but this is myself
and these are my feelings
and there is legitimacy
inherent within.

Everything is in perfect time,
Everything in perfect time.
I wrote that,
even gave it a pretty little melody.
I'm supposed to believe it,
sometimes I do...
but there is no supportive
evidence of that
connected
with my love life.
Throws me off balance
this inconsistency
I'm getting from my one source
of consistency. "Here,"
my God says,
"Let me show you
the beauty of the world
I created, look at everything
you see. See it breathe
with my constant divine presence...
what are you looking at?
What's that you've got there?
Where'd you find that
romantic love?!
Put that down, put that back
where you found it
this instant. You get that
only when you've earned it."
And this is where
I glare defiantly back at
God's face and say,
"I have."

Eternal Contemplation

I have felt the pain of love,
I have felt the power of it.
I think I fail at it
when I try to squeeze
all of my love
in to one person.
I also think
I do this as
a test of strength;
can they handle
all that I've got?
Usually not,
as it turns out.
I've set the bar
pretty high.
Or should I say wall?

5th Moon: A Pilgrimage of Healing

Tour de Christopher is over. We had an amazing time of fun and frolic. It rained a lot during our weekend together but it was perfect just the same. Come rain and sunshine we'll always enjoy each other's company. We celebrated each others' art, and gave thanks and praise for our blessings.
I'm left blissful and peaceful.

Soap Box: Take One

Here's a fun topic of discussion: abortion. As fundamentalists seek to take away my rights to chose what I get to do with my body (might as well make plastic surgery illegal while at it and THEN see what happens), I get... well disgusted.
I believe it is a gross injustice to our planet to completely overlook the fact that it is overpopulated as it is. To ignore this as a fact speaks of an ignorant egocentricity that makes me uneasy for the future of the children that are already here on this planet. What about the children living in refugee camps in Africa without any parents? The ones that live in an orphanage in Brazil without any hope of adoption, nor a toy they can call their very own? The thousands apon thousands of babies with no mother or father: this is the real problem.
I agree with the point that life is a miracle, a blessing that I do not take for granted, but to attach religious agenda to our basic human rights is an injustice. These clumps of cells could eventually support that miracle of life, but at what cost? Another mouth to feed, when so many are already begging to be fed?
With our economy going down the shitter, Pro-lifers overlook the fact we have MUCH bigger problems on our hands than adding more strain on our government to support these unborn babies. When there is no more money to fund welfare, what then?
There are better things to put energy and focus in, to make this world a better place, than imposing their will on me and my sisters. That is the true crime being done.
I don't come to your house and force you to solve unfathomable mathmatic equations.

Accountability

No one wants to be held accountable for the actions if those actions created harm and not good. There is a general "What? Me? I didn't do that! He/she did it!" It's the blame game! Everybody plays it. I should write a song about it.

Reconciliation

It can happen.
I received a little today.
I'm working on a dish filled with forgiveness and compassion.
I hope the judges like it.

Coming on Strong

I show grace and poise,
but more often than not
I am rattling and shaking
the cage.
I would fling
them aside but
fear makes the bars
stronger than I.
I pace them
like a tiger
ready to pounce.
I'm a force of nature,
a wide channel of light-
I'd like to see you try
to control it.
In fact,
I'd prefer it if you did,
I'm having a hell of a time.

Valentine Offering

Well, I was a little miserable on Valentine's... getting happy texts on my cellie from random friends would piss me off. I scowled at red and pink; I hacked and snuffled with disdain. I went to the redwoods, they didn't ease my discontent as was my hope.
Then I remember the birthday present from my friend Toni. Toni had found an organic wine vineyard near me. She called them up and selected a bottle for me. It was on Valentine's I decided to go pick it up. Talk about an awesome birthday present! She sent me on an adventure with a prize at the end of it.
I don't know how to describe to you exactly how big wine country is out here... yeah, I see the vineyards as I pass them on the highway, but actually going up in to them and searching for a specific one was mind blowing. Mapquest is a freakin joke. Send me down REALLY REALLY wrong roads, which wasn't too terrible considering the landscape. When I called the vineyard they laughed heartily when I told them where mapquest had sent me, and got me pointed in the right direction. When I got there I recieved my wine from a trine of women who worked in the office. It was a Syrah from Frey's Vineyard, and a little baggie of fair trade dark chocolate. The chocolate disappeared before I got home.


Picking Battles

I lumber through
my tasks
like an ox
on a yoke.
I sigh heavily
against my fate.
I think God played unfairly
at a game I don't even
like to play I'm so bad at it.
God talked me in to it,
promised me it would be great
than laughed when
the trap was sprung.
Sitting in my confines
I got tired of
being on my best behavior.
Things were already a mess
before I showed up,
its' not like I ruined things.
Plus, there wasn't a reward
offered for being good.
A spoiled child needs
incentive- so used to
getting what we want
and what we think
we deserve.
Actually,
I spoil myself now
so honestly I'm
not looking for a reward
outside myself,
they lack luster.
Some would offer that
tricky God
was trying to protect me
from a worser fate,
and I say
fuck that shit.
God shouldn't play
so hard
on such a delicate instrument.
The whole damn thing
needs to be restrung.

Dread dread dread

I'm starting to get sick.
I'll probably be fully miserable by tomorrow, on multiple levels.
Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfect.

It was 30 years ago today

Ahhhh... today I soaked in the sun and enjoyed the beauty of the world. My hope is that you allow yourself the same luxury when opportunity strikes.

Goodbye, dear twenties!

As we spend our last day together, my twenties, let us enjoy the moment. What a great run we've had, huh? Look at how much we grew! Geez, at the beginning, when we met, you were a sad and depressed little girl who didn't know your worth. Now look at you! Really, you'll be fine without me, I know you can't see that too clearly, but I think you can handle things on your own now. I have faith in you.

As I journey to one of my favorite spots on the planet. I can't help but think of the past. On my 30th birthday it will be my 3rd time to visit. My first day there I let my heart be so open. It makes me sad that I feel the need to be on guard. But when I let myself be open, inevitably great heartache comes along with it. I don't know if it is really worth the trade off. The heartache seems for me to always last so much longer. It is work for me to get to that point of having my heart be wide, then months, years of preparation and healing goes down the drain when love enters the picture. Because love is called to my heart when it is that wide. I don't know what the resolution is to this, because I want my heart to be that open, but everytime I do it seems to jump out of my chest and run away.

Well, I enjoy life. I am very thankful, it is full of beautiful things that I see vividly. Despite the troubles with my heart, life and it's beauty is the thing that gets me through my day. I wish I could enjoy it to it's fullest, but with my desire to find love I always seem to miss out on enjoying the whole spectrum. I'll continue to work on that.

Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, thirties. Where ya been all my life?

Trine

Sadly, I did not have my camera last night, there were some amazing shots I missed. But very happily I sang harmony and had a fun boogie session. It was a black and red ball, so pretty much everybody was wearing those colors. Me and the other back up singer girls all had matching dresses, we all looking uber cute with hats on, I wore my big red sparkly earrings. It was amazing to see how many creative variations of that theme people came up with, wowzah. There are a lot of artists in this area, that's all I have to say.
A dear friend of mine was standing beside me at a concert once and said with an sweet peaceful smile on his face: "Look at all the different faces of God." Since then, everytime I'm in a large gathering of people I hear his words and my heart opens with the beauty of that truth.

I'm getting a massage today, yea birthday me.

Cause tomorrow I won't have time.

Soooo... I found these Valentine's Cards at the dollar store. I couldn't resist them, they were teenage mutant ninja turtles. They beckoned me to send them off randomly to friends. Made me feel good. I hope they do the same for those they encounter, I was laughing my ass off making them. They are just like the ones we had to fill out in elementary, but mine were never as cool as Rapheal wishing you a BONZAI! Valentines Day.

fyra. (<---"four" in Swedish)

And 5 5 5 for my lonely

3 days of fast completed! I happily came back with some raw foods and tomorrow is going to be a BIG DAY. Wish me luck!

Number 5 is ALIVE!

I awoke from another crazy ass dream, this time I received a package with a white fox inside it that bit me. Not very nice of a dream symbol to do.

Beating my drum

So day 7 came and you missed it. Sun was out so I took advantage of the view of forest around my neighborhood (I walked with some deer), went to work, and yes, I fasted. Today is more of the same.
I now know what my birthday plans are. My scare-oake buddy and I are going to my favorite hot springs on the eve, then on my birthday we'll go hiking. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
6 brings completion and solidity for me.
Woah... this fast is intensifying my awareness. I feel light, there is a lightness in my step when I walk. I have been feeling heavy and tired. It is a nice change.

Thank God for Sisters :)

My oldest sister swooped in to tell me that there was a meeting on counsel rock and it was decided that going camping with someone I barely know was not appropriate nor advisable. I told her not to worry, it has already been taken care of. I'm not stupid, just foolish. Yes, this is a fine line, but a line none the less.

I couldn't have agreed with her more, and had already notified the proper parties it wasn't going down that way. He took it rather gracefully. There is another hot springs that is closer to me, that has an ancient red wood groove down the road. It would be fun to have a buddy to go exploring, I want to share my adventure. The need to see the redwoods outweighs the need to play in the water.

I started a fast this evening. My goal is 3 days. I am preparing for entry in to my 30th year with a clean body.

Easy, Trigger.

My, my, my, how my tables have turned. So... there's that fella I met at the hotsprings on New Year's Day. Wants to go camping with me this weekend there. Offered to camp out even up til my birthday. At first, I was excited, we are talking about one of my favorite places on earth. I thought that it was a great idea-UNTIL I heard things like: "I'm glad you are turning 30, I have a rule I don't date anyone under that age."
The word DATE ricocheted around the inside of my skull. Anxiety raised her head from her pointless task of braiding worry knots with a "What? Is it my turn? Am I needed?" I tried to placate her with half truths but she is good friends with Intuition and their time together has rubbed off. I don't take those words lightly; boyfriend, girlfriend, dating, and lover hold great weight to me. I do not take them or their usage lightly. Maybe I should, it would make things a lot easier for me.
My friend Kimmie encouraged the connection so I could see how an older man will treat me, but I don't see how it could make much of a difference. They are all men. There is a small handful I truly feel comfortable with. Plus, I'm not feelin' it. Coming from my last experience, where I still contend that those moments I got to share were some of the best days of my life so far- it is hard to look beyond them. I still cry over my loss.
Here's were that opposite side of the table comes in:
I feel pressured by his expectations and I am now reconsidering what to do (for my birthday weekend). The roles were a little reversed from my last go round. Irony and Anxiety have taken up to playing a quite game of scrabble in the corner. They seem to be making up their own roles.

Friday I'm singing back up for Kimmie and we open for George Clinton & the PFunk. Somewhere called Red Way? I think it is north of us. That's a pretty cool way to kick off my bday experience: performing to about a 1000 people. I think that is a really thoughtful birthday gift the Universe came up with. Thank you.

8.

Capricorn Moon

I found out recently that according to my astrology chart, my sun sign, as we ALL should be very aware of right now (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), is in Aquarius, but my moon sign is in Capricorn. While the Sun Signs rule conscious behavior the Moon Signs rule the unconscious, hidden emotions and human desire. The Moon is also thought to rule instinct, the familiar, and where our deepest needs lie.
Well, never have I had it explained to me, and there it is.
It seems to explain some aspects about myself (keyword: seems):
11-10 Aquarius/Capricorn
"The combination of your Sun sign and your Moon sign produces a positive and authoritative personality; a very solid and practical individual with individualistic qualities. The Aquarius side of this nature brings originality and independence, but this is tempered by the conservatism, deep ambition and caution of Capricorn. Your calm persistence, deep determination and talent for cold calculation or prudent thinking assure sound judgment and realistic evaluation of conditions or situations. You know your course in life and you are not one to be diverted by emotional factors. Restless at times, you need to keep busy in your profession, business or public life. You have a powerful sense of responsibility and deep seriousness to your nature. Business responsibilities may be heavy. You have great inner sources that enhance your personality. This is a combination that shows the talent to cope with large enterprises and for handling large numbers of people. You have strong, deeply rooted convictions and ideals, and you conduct your business with a strict code of ethics. You are a natural executive with humanitarian leanings, as you combine friendliness and fair play with your strict business principles. You strive more for power and authority than for wealth and material success."

As to that last sentence... after all, I am a Reverend. I don't have the cautious part of Capricorn down, that is for shit sure. Lord, how I try. I was discussing relationships with one of my exes the other day, and he chided me: "Mad Hatter, you are always ready to jump right in." "I know," says I, "and I think that is one of those things I'm always going to have to deal with. I even tried to be more consciously cautious this time around and it still didn't work." I am a steam roller. Patience is always a struggle in my life. I get my sights set on anything and my determination comes in and takes over the whole operation. My determination when it comes to making things happen could knock over a mountain. Wish I could have some of that cold calculation, but only seems to occur when I am making leadership decisions.
It is strange paradigm but I take my sense of humor very seriously. I think I am very blessed that I can make people laugh {"Laughter is the sound of the soul waking up." -Hafiz}, and with very little true effort on my part. I think it is due to the fact that I studied laughter like a science. It is an art, which for me it is created mostly out of listening. Maybe I shouldn't have let you in on one of my secrets but there it is.

A countdown full of inner reflection...it's appropriate: 9.

Psssst!

My birthday is coming.

The countdown begins: 10.

Like-I-didn't-already-know Dream

I had a dream last night. Which may not be that special to you, but it is rare I remember. Sometimes I do go through periods of prolific crazy vivid dreams, but not lately. SO I was excited to work on the interpretating for the dream, researching the main symbols of the dream and so forth. What I came to learn was not a damn thing. Like I didn't already know the shit the dream laid out.
This is what I "learned":
-I like to connect to the world through my hands. I like to connect to the world period.
-I want to reveal more of my self but am not completely prepared to show others who I truly am
-I feel emotionally contaminated
-I feel humiliated and disgraced by love
-I am moving towards my goals at a slow and steady pace.

Tell me something I don't know, subconscious.

SCARE-aoke

This night will live on in infamy:

Truly.
My neighborhood pals and I went out last night for open mic (I have new fans :):):) ) and also to what at first was jokingly refered to as SCARE-aoke. I was supposed to go to band practice after I got done with open mic. My pal Jo REALLY wanted to sing karaoke. She never has, it has always been a dream of hers, but she was scared. She begged me to do it with her. Now, the moral dilema here was: do I honor my prior commitment or do I help someone actualize their wishes? Well, now that I'm a Reverend, I believe it is a duty to help someone fulfill their dream if it is within my capabilities. More of a joy than an obligation, really.
Last night all the sketchiest of sketchy people crawled out of the walls. Or should I say forest?It's not like we live in a dangerous place. When we got back home from the bars I drew our cast of characters so we could remember them all. Here is the first el Creepo:

We called him Dodgy Drew. Very on edge. Sketchy McSketcherton. Ended up making aggressive sexual advances on all three of us individually. Super gross. We sent him packing on his ear. Not in a physical way, but in a "We are all in committed relationships so no thank you" kind of way.

I love the guys that come up asking for a cigarette (even if you are obviously not smoking, doesn't matter) then start to try to mac on you. They are begging for a hand out, on multiple levels, and I don't like it. His broken front tooth was not the thing that was the turn off mind you, it was the total lack of being able to verbalize a coherent thought because he was so drunk. We are fairly certain he was on something else to.

It kinda fits that this guy is a little blurry, cause he was more worse for wear than that Snaggle Tooth. He was so tall. I could barely make out the words that were coming out of his mouth and had to have him repeat himself to me a number of times. He made it clear that he wasn't trying to hit on me, so for that kindness I gave him a few good laughs. He begged me to drink with him. I didn't understand a good portion of what he said, but he did slur to me: "You are fun to be around." Isn't that sweet?

Girl fight cubed! At the karaoke bar there were 6 fights broken up. That's what the bartender said. I only saw 3, but that was more than enough. At karaoke? Aren't we all supposed to be having fun and singing?

This guy is a trip. Generous on some levels, sexual predator on others. A sneak attacker. He gets our guard down with good conversation than makes passes that are uninvited.

Ummmmm... the Mountain Man was cute. I liked the Mountain Man. He gave me a compliment than offered to buy me a drink. I turned the drink down, though, with all the crazy shit that was going on around us I wanted all my wits about me. Which helped me be able to fully enjoy this moment:

We picked out Dancing Queen by ABBA. At first Jo was shy and barely singing in to the mic. Then about half way through the song there she was- singing her heart out. Belting in to the microphone like she owned it. And it was BEAUTIFUL. I was glad to be up on stage with her and witness her dream come true. I get warm fuzzies just thinking about it.

I'd swim through a sea of the wild wacko wednesdays to get the chance to do it again, too.

This is what I woke up to:

If you could only see the rest of this outfit. True mountain fashion complete with star pjs and polkadot galoshes.

Screw Alcatraz

I had more important things to do. Like catch up with an old SuperOVUM alum. We hatched plans. We walked in the rain, we ate lemon ricotta pancakes (the BEST pancakes I've ever eaten), we couldn't stop talking. This may sound weird, but my perception has been a little off, lately from extenuating circumstances: she reminded me how much fun I am to be around. Pretty much my whole Berkeley weekend did. It was also very special for me to hang out and stay with the lovely Miss B. She is a true blessing in my life.

Free Movement Speech started right here:

SuperOVAs

Look at that consort go, I dig her victoriously raised arms:

I couldn't believe my eyes, but there she was:


The lady that introduced me to my guru,
and who I boogied barefoot with:

Berkeley and Joy

You wouldn't believe it! Or maybe you would, maybe you would say: "Well, of course, Mad Hatter with Rhinestones. Why wouldn't you?" Check it: when I was walking around in Berkeley, California- I fit right in. Looked like I'd been living there my whole dang life. You should have seen me on the streets in my purple sneakers, funky pants and adorable green dress. Maybe the next time I wear the outfit I'll take a picture, but for now I will just leave it to your imagination, which could be much more enjoyable.
I stood where the Free Speech Movement started. Led by people who believed in the power of the people, and because they believe in it soooo much... IT WORKED!

(Pssst... Big Sis... I believe I know what my first children's book is going to be about. :} )

Went to the ashram in San Ramon tonight. Sweet Amma. I quietly offered her my heart. She poured her love all over it, just in a look- just in her sweet plump smile.
One of her Swamis lead a prayer and then we had a discussion on attachment. Or rather the Swami asked us, "What is detachment?"
We stared back at him in silence, not really believing he had just asked us a question. No one was sure how to respond. He stared back at us almost defiantly, daring us, waiting for one of us to speak. Finally the Swami smiled and readjusted his orange robe, "Apparently this is a difficult question to answer." We let out nervous laughter. Slowly hands started raising up, each person giving the next more confidence til arms came up evenly and at a steady pace. Some people talked about passages from the Bhagavad Gita, which was over my head. One guy started talking about the lesions in his brain, a little off topic, but the Swami deftly steered the conversation back on course.
One person thought that you must know judgement first before you could get to detachment. Example: It is not a good judgment call to detach from the fact your kid needs to be schooled and given an education.
Another person stated you can not have attachment unless you know disgust. Example: Say you had this really tasty pizza and you couldn't wait to get a slice, it consumed you, your salivary glands were over-activated- THEN you find out a rat had peed on it. From the disgust of the urine you are freed from your attachment to wanting a slice pretty quick.
A lady sitting in front of me sad something truly moving and very touching and the funniest thing is I don't remember a word she said. I DO remember it filled me with great peace.
People also pulled from Amma's teachings. My answer to the question went something like this: "Detachment is like you are on a train, and allow yourself to watch your thoughts and your emotions like they are the passing landscape. The train that you are on is the present moment." This isn't so much a definition as it is a simile. I shouldn't even put quotes around it because I got that perspective from reading an Amma book, I of course gave her proper credit when I spoke, and I of course do not remember which book I read it in.
The guy with the lesions wanted to know how to find happiness. What is his life's purpose if he has this disease? The Swami assured him his life has a purpose. He asked the Swami what his life purpose was then, the Swami-so blunt, so straight forward, and so gently- answered: "If I knew, I would have told you." The guy insisted for more answers. "I have been coming here for months and my head is filled with all these thoughts, so much thoughts going through my head and I cannot shut them off. So how do I find happiness?" "Chant your mantra, just one though, too many mantras can confuse the mind and mantras are to help facilitate focus so having a many would defeat the purpose."

I bathed the crown of my head in camphor smoke, and smeared sandalwood paste on my forehead. I sprinkled holy water in my hair. I feel a lot better.

Needless to say I learned a lot. It's hard not to go in to even more detail but I try to make my blogs mentally digestible in this fast paced world.

Tomorrow, I'm contemplating going to Alcatraz.

4th Moon

I don't know
if from here on out
I will count down
every moon
that comes my way,
but they have become markers
of the time spent
in this new land.
I've been keeping my eye
on her lately.
I've been watching
her wax and wane
and start all over again.

For me,

she is a reminder

of all that I've gained,

and all that I've lost.

May I be of assistance?

You, yes, you are now looking at the Reverend Katrina Lynne.
I've been ordained by the Universal Life Church. I can now legally marry people, perform funeral rites, baptisms... everything except circumcision... and I'm okay with that.

Before I left Tulsa I was asked to officiate a friend's wedding. Such an honor! I will now be able to do so. Also, according to my Meyers-Briggs test, the top 6 careers of people with my personality are in spiritual leadership (minister, preacher, etc.), which I laughed out loud when I was reading it because I see the audience sometimes as my congregation.

I'm also considering getting a Doctorate in Divinity. It seems appropriate.

A slight tarnish

My favorite holiday and my least favorite holiday... all in one week.

So... I'm super excited and cartwheeling thinking about my birthday month, and all the subsequent fun that is coming along with it. Than I remember the one holiday that never ceases to bum me out in a MAJOR way will come sneaking up behind my fabulous day of days:

Valentine's Day.

Icky, yicky, stupid, poopy Valentine's Day.

VDay has never disappointed me as far as always being one of the most depressing days of the whole year.

I spit on Valentine's Day. I squish it with the power of my Almighty 30.

Cartwheels!

One of my best friends from high school is going to come visit me! Yea! Christopher is coming! We are going to go play in the redwoods and the hot springs of Northern California. Weee!

5 weeks away. :(

Looks like my birthday celebrations are going to take up ALL of February. :) :} :)

Poor Heath Ledger

Not even dead over 3 hours and People.com already has a "look back" and timeline of your life.

Amma Qoute of the Day:

"Unless we have a certain degree of mastery over the mind, true peace is difficult to attain."

ReveLAtion!

I just figured why I've felt so befuddled! Now, I hesitate to talk about it because it might come out blatant and trite, but... don't hold your breath...

I'm at a crossroads and I haven't picked my path.

And it's OK!
It's a 100% OK and I don't have to rush a damn thing.


Hallelujah.

Broom, I defy you.

I could be sweeping some things under the rug. Maybe a dust particle of truth there, I'm still exploring. Mother tried to recommend some pop-up motivational speaker to me today, like I needed one. I'm definitely procrastinating on a few things. Procrastination I put on my list of strengths; I'm terribly good at it. Actually, I AM taking care of some business, things just aren't going in the order that I was planning on. Hmmph. I would like God to remember that I'm a co-creator here, so technically that means that I have half a say in what goes down in my life. He's been making plans behind my back, I think he's plotting on taking over the company. Hold on tight to your stocks, they might be worth more than you realize.

A Frog Croak Frog World

Judging by the way my voice sounds after being sick, I'm going to try out for this band:

Who drank all the Cristal?

I got sick of being blonde. I also missed my curls (the chemical process from bleaching has reduced them to mere waves). New state + new year = new hair color. I decided to perm my already naturally curly hair, my mom did it once. It kinda worked for her. Watcha think, Ma? Aren't you glad I got out of that purple phase? Pink suits me sooo much more.

Evidence

Actions speak louder
than words.
I could bless
a situation
til I'm blue in the face.
It always works out
in the long run.
In the short run of things,
my hands are a little empty.
My sound and my fury
are deafening,
out of spite
I edge toward unleashing
it. This actually
goes back to a previous
snippet of thought,
how do you wield power
properly?
My ancient wrath aches
to stretch and flex
its' batty wings.
I feel an injustice has been done.
I look at God in his false heavens
and wonder why I fell for his
cardboard cutout.
I did my best not to,
but I kept seeing these beautiful signs.
They surrounded me.
I blinked and rubbed my eyes.

I did my best to stick by
my independence and my grace.
I wouldn't take the proffered hand.

Now I start up from my bed
gasping for air. Visions I once enjoyed
haunt me. I want them gone.
They are lies.
My sacred shrine
has been defiled.
I'm not supposed to be living
with regrets, but
I think I made a big mistake.
I feel it every time
I try to connect to
my heart.
I swear to you
I've seen
the majesty of life,
but right now
I've no proof.

Power

How do we wield it?
When you are given a lot of it,
what do you do with it?
What are the proper funnels?
How do you know if
you are using it correctly?
I wish it came with instructions.

Sicky poo

I've got a cold. I'm achy, have extra mucus, and my throat is scratchy. I got my friend Kim to hug me for a little to help me feel better, but she has little maternal intincts. She managed a few pats. I long for a caretaker, anyone to make me a tea or whip up a healthy concoction to dose me with... bring me a movie. All I have is a dog though. Sigh, sniff.

I found my camera. That's nice... LOOK:

I think the colors are wicked, to turn an east coast phrase.

The only obstacle left at the moment is repairing my car, which is so close I can taste it. Oh, did you not know about the car? Well, maybe you should call me, you silent blogger stalker. Come over and make me some soup, since I can't drive. Unless I want to risk my engine bursting in to flame, which I don't.

I know there are at least three people thinking I'm talking directly to them chastizing their blog stalking antics. Calm down you little monkeys, I think it is sweet you check on me, actually.

Wish I could delve in to your head too, but I must remain satiated with my own inner babble.

It's all that is keeping me company on this long sick night. Sneeze. Sniff.

Sigh.

Synch

A part of me is missing.
My pride and I
are having a nasty argument
over who had it last.
It's a no holds barred
drag out. There is a lull
at this moment
we are staring each other down,
waiting for the other
to make the next move.
We're also keeping awareness
in our peripherals.
We both have to watch out
for my heart, who has a
tendency to bulldoze her way
right in the middle of any fight,
knocking everything down
in her mad dash to come
to a complete stop.
Doesn't make much sense
to me either.

You know...

there are things I just won't talk about here, even if I burn with a desire to throw it down biggity blog style. Contrary to popular belief I am quite discerning, what it is is that the lines I draw are different than most. For example, what happened last night? Nope, can't talk about it.
Well, some parts I guess I can. I did it, I went out by myself and hung out with the locals, they are crazy cats. Who I ended up hanging out with most of the night were two sisters that coincidentally live down the street from me. A house wife with her visiting sister from Massachusetts. Have we ever met before? Nooooo. Is she building a Day of the Dead "Katrina" sculpture? Yessssss. We were destined to be friends.
And other stuff happened too.
Today I walk more sure in my step, and it feels good. Adventures suit me.

Hee hee hee hee

Dare I delight
in my own cleverness?
I shall!
Everytime
I think about it,
I laugh out loud.
Good thing
not many people
are around.

Lock Down

If I wanted to freeze a moment
and stay there forever,
would that be so wrong?
If I could lock myself
in a place
where the sun
shone down
and the light played
on my skin,
and my heart felt
as wide as the sky,
would that be asking too much?
I know the answer.
Words
like "freeze" and "lock"
don't mingle well
with words like
"as wide as the sky."
I can't tell if it's
the metaphors
that I'm mixing, or what.
Right now, I feel like
my own folly. Which actually,
come to think about it,
is par for the course.

Happy Home

Out here,
floating in cyberspace
is my magical blog land.
A source of consistency
in my ever
shifting landscape.
It is a fertile ground
where I spread seeds of thought.
Haphazardly
they grow like wildflowers.
A person once told me
my beauty
was like that
of a wildflower:
strong of stem
with
delicate petals.
The words struck
a gong in my heart
for they showed me
a picture
of my true self.

Floody McFlooderton

We are in the middle of the storm of 10 years. Funny. I was just in one of those.
I'm without electricity AGAIN. Northern California is flooded! I ran in to town to send some emails, get some last minute necessities, and get a haircut.
Ummmm... I'm getting a haircut because...
I set my hair on fire lighting the pilot in the stove.
It isn't terrible but there is no hiding it. I'm a little sad by this as I was trying to grow my hair out a little, but that isn't an option anymore. Wish me luck. Don't know when I'll get electricity back, or if I'll be sliding down the mountain. We shall see won't we?
I am singing backup for Ms. Manning this evening at a local pub. I remember the last time, bittersweet memories, again I'll be facing some ghosts... weee and all.
I'm kinda thinking Ms. Manning should call it off, since the enormous storm that's a comin,' however, she seems determined to play on.
Maybe we can kayak to the gig.

My New Year Adventure

I awoke New Year's Eve with my eyes puffy from tears, and my heart sad. I needed some healing. "We need the water of Harbin Hot Springs," my reflection said.
"Now reflection," countered I, "is this not the scene of the crime? Is this not where the trouble began? We went there, consciously opened up our heart, and now look at us."
"The water didn't do that. We can't let others dictate where we go and what we do. Is that not one of the reasons we left Oklahoma, because we were living our life for other people?"
My reflection glared defiantly at me. Together we took a deep breath.
"You're right," I told my reflection, "I don't want to go and be around a bunch of drunk people I don't know. I'm not going to argue with you, I can't think of a more perfect way to begin a New Year than in those hot springs."
The Eve
So I packed and off I went. The scenery all the way was breathtaking. Harbin was full up with no vacancy, so I got a 24 hour pass to the springs and planned to sleep in my car. I was right about those ghosts in the water, I was surrounded by them. Lots of couples. When I saw them I would dunk my head and let the water wash my spirit clean. In the community kitchen I made myself dinner, met some lovely peeps who gave me cookies and suggested I should study cranial sacral therapy, as massage therapists with that training are in short supply in the bay area. Wonderful food for thought, I will look in to it, but I'm still not sure what kind of schooling I want to get in to yet. Still exploring my options.
I watched a movie they showed (The Waitress, and I HIGHLY recommend it), then I went to this common room with a nice fire in it. I read and eventually fell asleep. No one asked me to leave, so I slept there, cozy in front of the fire.
The Beginning
I have been waking up very early here. New Year's Day was no exception. I awoke and saw the first orange crack of dawn. I delighted myself with the experience of doing the Sun Salutation to the breaking dawn of the New Year. Honestly, it doesn't get more perfect. Another person who opted to sleep in the common room was awakened by my movement, and joined me in greeting the day with yoga. After we stopped we hugged, and thanked each other for sharing such a beautiful experience. It was the first time for both of us to actually greet the morning sun with a Sun Salutation. As we looked out at the beautiful day, we saw more people gathering for yoga further down the hill. So we joined them. I had a yoga fiesta to start off my new year.
The Breakfast
After that I went to breakfast, I enjoyed a little writing before this lovely German artist named Martina came to sit with me and talk about life. An older gentleman came along with his breakfast and joined in our conversation. We talked about the horrible things going on in our planet, and how do we, as individuals, respond to the gross injustices being done. If we react to these things with anger and frustration- which we do, I personally find it hard not to- we are feeding the very beast we despise. We all felt at odds living in a nation ruled by fear and the glory of material wealth. As a way to counterbalance these world problems that upset us we agreed that instead of reacting with anger, what we should focus on spreading love and compassion as a daily walking prayer. In the very least we can help our immediate world by giving these things to those we make direct contact with in our waking life. We all hugged goodbye and I made my way to the springs with this new gentleman friend.
The Baths
Well, don't it beat all that this gentleman had romantic inclinations towards me. I thanked him for the compliment, but let him know the timing was off. I allowed him to talk and share with me, but that's as far as I'm willing to let it go. I guess the experience showed me that finding another man who enjoyed my close company would be easy, but honestly, it brings little comfort. I don't really want to allow anyone else in. I will have to wait on time to heal that. Mr. Gentleman and I shared a picnic and then back I went to house sitting.
The New Year
On the way home the majesty of the mountains moved me this time to tears. I let them flow because they felt good; I lovingly accepted the gift of beauty laid out before me. I plan on sharing the gifts I received from my New Year's experience to all I encounter, and that, my dear ones, is my New Year's resolution. Wasn't planning on making any, but as I wrote that last sentence, I discovered I just did.