Gloomy Weather

I am terribly bored today. It has rained all day yesterday, and today. I wait for the rain to stop so I can go in to town, but alas. I stare out at a terribly wet, wet world. It's got me down a little. I think I will turn on Jesus Christ Superstar as loud as I can and sing along, but before I do that, I shall brood. I allow myself this indulgence for it will help prepare me for my undertaking of the role of Judas, who is a broody sort. A very reasonable reason.

Idle Pools of Thought

How hard will it be
for me to go back there?
I will be haunted by ghosts
that will float around me,
intertwined
and joyful.
They will not be able to notice
the rest of us
exist at all.

I will swim around them.
I will watch
and I will remember
what it felt like
to have the whole world melt away.

Is it like this every day?

You may want to ask me how I am spending my days. Well, you're reading it.
Yesterday I bruised my nose. Only those who are intimately acquainted with my freckles would be able to see it, so I don't have much proof. It happened in a moment of triumph: I had found all the cords needed to plug the Les Paul in to the amp. As I victoriously put my head through the strap of the guitar, the heavy guitar swung in and made impact with the bridge of my nose.
I froze in shock and pain. It felt like I broke my nose. I waited for something more to happen- like my nose to start bleeding- nothing did.
Perhaps I should have put ice on it, but I went ahead and rocked on.
Now, it is tender to the touch, and faintly purple.
Today, I'm going to be a little more careful, because who knows what else could come and along and whack me in the face when I least expect it.

The Third Moon

I would be lying to myself if I said I wasn't reeling
from what I just went through.
Organizing my life down to a carload,
saying goodbye
to my loving community,
all in the middle of the ice storm,
oh yeah... then add four days
of travel after all that
was no cake walk.

(Even though I found ways
to entertain myself,
I still called my mom everyday,
it comforted us both.)

I would be lying if I said I wasn't confused.
That I still can't wrap my brain around
what happened here a month ago,
nor what has gone down since then.

I would be lying if I said I didn't have doubts,
that I don't question my motives.
However, the synchronicity of how
everything fell in to place,
and the absence of that feeling of restlessness
that has been plaguing me for months
deny me my last holds on
self sabotage.

I would be lying if I said I didn't see
I did the right thing,
and everything is in perfect time.
I've had crystal clear clarity
provided with a dash of enjoyable alliteration.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't missing my heart.
She's changed and I don't know
if we'll ever be the same. I don't know if
I'll be able to identify with her new beat.
She's changed her rhythm
faster than I can make a rhyme.

Merry Christmas!

I awoke today all warm and cozy because of my new friend, Jana. I'm not missing anything when I have a sweet loving dog cuddled up next to me. I was invited last night to a Christmas get together next door, I would of gone, but I fell asleep. I was kinda expecting myself to be a little bummed being all alone, but I wasn't. Just peaceful. I wasn't alone, I have three furry friends to hang with. I gave Iggy a bath because he was FILTHY, and cut out the burs in his coat (I was amazed that he would stay perfectly still when I did the cutting, if you met him, you too would be a little taken aback that he had 'stillness' in his repertoire). It was a beautiful day yesterday, the dogs and I soaked in the sun, and I read a book. Today I plan to cook something. I don't know what, this kitchen is full of things to cook. So much stuff I can't even make a decision, there are endless possibilities!

Merry Christmas to all, may this holiday be filled with peace and love, and all the blessings we've been provided.

Here is the cast of characters:

Jana, my #1. Loves walks and hates being left alone.

Bender: lover of rocks and any attention you have to spare.

Iggy: A dynamic force of excitable energy that rarely turns off, unless he eats turkey poop. I've already had to blockade two tunnels he's dug under the fence.

Lorriane, my travel companion.

I am very lucky to have been able to find someone to travel with me at the last minute. She is such a blast! Cracked me up all the time. All we did was share jokes. Here some pictures of our adventures:


Here we go!

Our hotel room in Albuquerque.

Sedona IS beautiful! Just like they say.

We stopped at diner to refuel.

Enjoying the desert scenery, but not the winds.

The stinkiest bathroom we've been in yet!


Lorriane takes in downtown Los Angeles, CA.

Lorriane makes a new friend, Albert, her first night in California.

Albert helps Lorriane get her drink on.

Lorriane and I get lost in LA, but lucky, my daddy taught me how to use a map.

Making new friends all over the place!

Yea, we made it! Happy Holidays from Lorriane and I. We are busy chillin' and letting our nerves calm down from that long journey. San Fransisco traffic almost killed us, but once we hit the 101, we knew we were home free. And how true is that statement? Home free. Don't know what is going to happen but I think I will enjoy it while I can.

Today

Open up to beautiful things,
let your heart be free
from tangles and chains.
Be ready for anything,
the world is your door.

The Story of an Alien

Once there was an alien who had a small flat in the Andromeda Halo. Which is right outside the Andromeda Galaxy, a little to the left of Messier 32. She felt apathetic about the state of things, which is kinda what you have to be when you live in a place where you don't have any choice. In all the wide wide Universe, it is a little boring. Patterns of the Universe are predictable (even the ones that are chaotic) so you pretty much know how tomorrow will be before today even begins.
Alien K (we'll call her that, because the translation is a bit convoluted) was on her balcony, having a glass of dkyhfoo... let's just say she was having a glass of wine. She was having a glass of wine with her friend Alien B. Which was what they did when the North Star gets to a certain point on the horizon. They had been doing this predictably for as long as Alien K could remember. Out on the balcony Alien K was in her own world, thinking about how a star tomorrow was going to explode and slow work down by 2.5 light years for two rotations. Out of nowhere, Alien B said something that was completely unexpected: "On Earth, they have Free Will."
"What?" said K, breaking from her chain of thought.
"On earth there is Free Will," Alien B seemed to be in a trance, "they can make choices, and it affects their environment around them."
"I don't understand."
"That's what I said, then I contemplated it for a bit. Think of it: any situation an earthling gets put in to, they get to choose their response. Their response ripples out, and hits everything that surrounds them."
All K could muster up for a response was: "Huh." Inside however, something stirred. Her mind began to race, and she felt her body pulse with excitement. The silence that hung itself between them was thick and heavy. "Something is going on inside me." "I know," B said quietly, "I feel it too. It tingles."
"What is this? Feeling? I've never heard of that before, but somehow I understand it. Something is happening to my body." K did not hesitate in her compulsion, "I've got to go, I don't understand how or why, but I've got to go to Earth. I must understand why it makes my body feel this way."
"I knew that would happen if I told you." Alien B hung her head, "Something blocks me, I don't understand it and that freezes me from non-action. You have to go, for both of us."
Already Alien K could feel great changes in her life she could not see yet. Never had she experienced feelings like this, or more accurately: never had she experienced feelings ever. "How do I get there?" she pondered. "Remember the Hitch hiker's Guide? Stick your thumb out, and bring a towel," as she said this B held out a package, "I bought you a new one."

Sans furniture.

All that is left is a matching whicker coffee and end table, a TV, a bed, and a piano. It is utter chaos. Even though I am in a constant state of reorganization, I never seem to get anywhere.
Today I shall focus on whittling what I'm taking to one room, because that is what I'm moving to: one room.
We moved al my furniture yesterday. As the last two pieces were set in place at their new home, I had to sit down and cry. It is very clear to me I am a sentimental old sap. It isn't so much their beauty (which I adore), what matters is who's hands made their beauty shine. I realized yesterday, that along with my guru- who is in every room of my house shining her smile at me- I have surrounded myself with pieces of my father. A pocket knife here, and old business sign there.
I am shedding layers like a snake. Some of them are emotional.

Mr. Al Rey, or should I say Ray?

Today I listened to a friend's new album. The version of it before it gets mastered. It's all mumbo jumbo to me, but I get the jist. It was a great honor to listen to it before it gets printed. As I listened to it, I had a vision, I will try to recreate through one of my favorite mediums: poetry.

Put in front
of the appex of sound
I had a vision-
strong and beautiful.
I felt it first then
saw it in my mind's eye:
my friends
lined up along each side of me
stretched out across infinity.
Side by side,
an army of light
shining love
from our hearts
as we walked
in perfect beat
together in unison.
I felt the enormous power behind us:
giant angels
glowing their approval.
I took my own advice
and stretched my wings-
they are wider than
I ever imagined.
My wish is that
I can get all
beautiful spirit warriors
to see their part
as clearly as I did,
but they might have to wait
til the album comes out.

A brand new plane of consciousness, how'd that get there? Part I

I'll absorb myself

with the small gestures

the touch of fingers,

the open smile.

I'll let myself take

in that treasure,

and not worry about the rest.

Martini Presley

On October 20, 2007 Martini Presley entered the building.

Did you miss me, blog?

I missed you. I'm sorry for my absence, I just needed some "me" time, ya know? I have been busy with shows, and looking for jobs, and kinda bummed about being unemployed. But now, I'm not so much anymore cause unemployment is there for me. Unemployment has been here for me and is supporting me in my "darkest" hour. Which really didn't get so dark as it did grey. Yes, things have been rather grey. Or gray, if you prefer. A little tight on the purse, but not so uncomfortable that it stresses me out. I just don't go out anymore to movies or the bar, I don't buy shoes I don't need. I can't save and put more money to eliminate debt either, but I'm not drowning. I'm bobbing along the surface of the water.
Unemployment is helping me look at the world afresh. The world of possibilities is wide open. I could go down roads I've known before or I can take a completely different route I have never walked down. I would rather do the latter. So, I've been contemplating with my friend Unemployment about how I want to shape my life right now. Unemployment has some great ideas. I'm looking at the junior college right now to look in to computer courses and develop some skills. Maybe look in to management. I'm good at delegation. I could go do temp work, but I feel that endangers me to get stuck in a rut.
I fill out applications, I have bad interviews, but mostly I focus on enjoying the day. I also focus on being productive each day. Whether it be towards employment, house or self improvement.

I've been distant, but not far. I hope you didn't take it personally, blog. I'll always love you. I just needed some space.

I've been quiet.

I haven't reached out very much because I've been focusing in. I've been doing a lot of reevaluation of myself and what I want out of life, and what exactly is my place in it all.
I feel good.
I'm at peace, continuing to make strides toward re-employment. Nothing is happening, but yet it is, because I work toward employment every day. I will land good job.
Sometimes life will not go at the pace you want it. I could continue to try to force things or have faith that my positive actions today will give me a better tomorrow. I'll take the latter.
This weekend I got to heal the past, and old bullshit is gone. Those KC boys? We had so much fun together this weekend, no more tension existed, and we had a BLAST.
I got to learn a whole lot in Austin, and made strives in bettering myself as a person, and what I put out to other people.
Actually, I don't feel good, I feel great.

I'm stumbling

My inner turmoil is not so inner. Years of emoting emotions on stage will do that to you. I can hide nothing. Lies out of my mouth are terrible and land obviously. I can turn no where without a look of concern facing me. It is painful, I just want to be left alone. I had felt so strong before 2 weeks ago. I felt like I was finally getting my shit together, and then I lose the best job I ever had. I fall, skill-less on the floor. With hair that's still slightly pink.

OK, I'm not that skill-less. And even though another day ticks by with no good job leads in sight, I feel an unexpected sense of peace. Someone's hand is on my shoulder.

Are you feeling blue? This might put you in a better mood. It did me.






Thanks for the rolling pin, Mom. It came in handy.

Today

I was kicked
by my good friend
while I'm down.
UFFFFFF.

Fair thee well

I took my cat Alfonzo to the animal shelter today. The decision to get rid of him happened yesterday, when I came home to discover he had pissed on my bed. On my new comforter, through the sheets, and on to the mattress. Cat piss had dried in to my mattress.
You can imagine my distress. Now, distilled white vinegar is my ally and good friend, and will eventually remove all traces of the sickening smell. It was, however, the last straw for Alfonzo.
I hugged him tight. I told him I was sorry, that I loved him, but I've had enough. I cried all the way to the shelter. He even pissed in his box on the way there, probably feeling that he was losing his home, yet further fortifying my belief it had to be done.
I don't feel the greatest about it. I lied and said he wasn't my cat, up until I came to the man that took my cat. I was crying profusely, it was pretty hard to hide the truth. He was as nice as he could be, I gave him all the info I had on Alfonzo, then left.
And closed a chapter.

Long Drive

As I left my friend's house after dinner, I noticed my tank was very near empty. As I filled it, I decided I needed to go for a drive. Something I rarely do, as I don't like to drive all that much. It has gotten to the blazing heat of summer. You walk out the door, take two steps, and beads of sweat begin to drip.
It was night, no more sun blaring down. So I rolled down the windows and turned on to Riverside Drive. A road called Riverside because it goes alongside a river, how clever. Regardless or not of how clever it is, it softly curves along with the path of the river. That latter is what called to me. I turned the radio off and listened to wind. I love the feel of the wind. I am alone with my thoughts. A massive reorganization is occuring. I can even feel my roots shifting.
I'm getting more attention from men lately. Real cute ones, too. Very distracting. It seems these days I just need to turn tail and run, because that's what I end up doing. Also tossing a banana peel behind me as I go to make sure there is at least one obstacle between us.

I'm switching to using Coconut oil when I cook. You should to.
One thing I read about it tonight was the fact that it is a medium chain fatty acid, unlike transfat which is a long chain fatty acid. How the short and medium chains are absorbed is from the intestines directly to the liver. Long chains (transfat) have to first go through the lymph and circulatory systems to finally wind up in the liver. Which means your body has to go through more of a process to digest, so it is difficult to digest, on top of that: long chain fatty acids' melting point is above body temp. So that means it can't be completely absorbed by the body, and forms calcium salt i.e. toxins.
Coconut oil also has a lovely light flavor. There is a host of more great things it does, boosts metabolism, is antiviral... all sorts of fun things. Check it out, and get back to me. Am I right or am I all right?
I sure hope I am.

Discretion

I wonder if
you'll get caught
in your
actions. You
play your
obligations
as the fool.
I know your game,
so when I play it
I don't take it
to heart,
like I used to.
I watch you
leave and when
you come does
she know where
you've been?
I'm sure you've
taken pains
to cover your tracks.
But I know a woman's
heart,
for I have one,
there is a voice
inside telling her
that's something is amiss.
Her subconscious itches
with it.
But you'll tell her
what she wants to hear.
Her mind will attach to that
instead
and not what her body,
with all its wisdom of the universe,
is screaming at her.

What's mine is yours...

I got a visit from my oldest sister and her husband Mark. That was lots of fun, I'm glad they came down. Excellent dinner and good company, and the site seeing was phenomenal. ALL kinds of people hit the casino. All kinds.
In light that I have visited with both sisters in the past two weeks I noticed something I find a little funny. When I visited middle sister, she made a comment on my long legs, along the lines of: I didn't get the long legs like you did. Not like I've done much with them. She wished for something I have and she doesn't. As I visited with my older sister, my eyes map her lovely delicately boned hands, which I have secretly yearned for some time. I doubt I'll be getting a new bone structure any time soon. Two out of three tells me the odds are likely my big sis has similar longings.
We were all cut from the same cloth. It shouldn't matter which of us got what parts, the original fabric which we came from is beautiful any way it has been patterned.

I am officially...

BLONDE. With a slight twinge of pink. The remnants of the purple still clutching on. Pictures will show up as soon as I can get my grubby hands on a camera.
So today, started off with a crawl. I set up my hair appointment. I exercised for about 40 minutes, showered.
I lost key privledges to the theatre. Yes, it's true. That's where the day went. South. Fast. I took it very very personally. It isn't. It wasn't. It just is. Poor ego. It got hurt bad.
I worked.
I got my hair did.
I'm blonde.
Had to go to theatre, get a jacket I left there. Bruised ego smarted the whole time. If I did all the things that everyone wanted me to do, I would never get anything done.
Went home. Fed dogs. In truly bummed mood.
Put in a comedy show by Richard Pryor. Thank you, Netflix. I had barely started it when:
ring.
It is Kimmie! I've been trying to get a hold of her for a week. She is supposed to be coming to Tulsa soon. She asks me what I'm doing, I told her, and she asked if I wanted to go to dinner. Sweet surprise! She is here. We (including her mom) go to a new place we've never been. We enjoyed it. Good to see her sparkle.
Then we went to friend April's house, and hung out in her new house. Beautiful. Very.
Kim and her mom Kathy went to Ponca City; April and I went over to hang with this guy she is kinda seeing. He had been in a car accident. He had friends over.
D and J. Names are withheld to protect the innocent.
Which one was cuter? D. And he's the CEO of this filming company.
"Or really?" I say.
"Yes. " He says.
"We are working on a film this summer. Yes, our improv troupe SuperOVUM..."
J, his working cohort, preens like a peacock as soon as the interest has been shown on what they do. A long list of cool things they are doing and names start getting dropped left and right. It was an amusing spectacle.
I am TERRIBLY excited about the door of possiblity that just opened and try to keep it to a dull roar. I am chomping at the bit to wow these guys, but some of the zingers that are flying out of my mouth are landing flat. These guys don't even know what hit them. I rein it in a bit.
I delicately plant the seeds of my brilliance between J's soliloquy.
I am open and truthful. "I know jack about filming, we're just getting in to it. We've done stage and I think the way we hit the beats would transfer over to film..."
I ask if they take interns.
And, "Oh April, the burlesque girls and I are going to a VIP party Thursday night, would you like to join?"
And he says, "Burlesque?" He already has plans for us. We discuss them. I swim around in his deep rich eyes. Make little splashes.
I say, "Well, there's nothing left to do but exchange phone numbers."
He agrees.
April needs to go home. My carriage was turning in to a pumpkin. I bid the gentlemen adieu and Maggie the puppy to.
On the way we stop at QT, and there an angel from heaven lights up the night. He name is Cynthia and she used to be an OVUM.
A wonderful omen.
And the day landed beautifully, as will my golden locks when they hit the pillow.

Take Me Away

A body washed up

on the beach

while we were there.

It was like my own body

had been washed ashore

and I was watching

the whole scene

as if in a dream.

Long after

when I am in bed

I can still feel the waves of the ocean

rock me to and fro.

The aftermath of us feels the same.

You still haunt me.

And so does the mocking voice in my head:

You fool.

You fool.

You fool.

Sentimentality never gave me a damn thing.

It's not all over.

The world moves on

& takes me with it.

As much as the waves

bring death and destruction

they bring laughter and joy.

I know this

because I have seen the truth of it

on a young child's face.

They haven't learned to

hide the truth

like we have,

it shines from them like the sun.

I look forward to:

When my heart will stop racing.
Clarity of mind.
When I get to wish my sister happy birthday.
Seeing my niece, my other sister, and her husband.
Feeling sand between my toes.
Being fitted for my corset.
Hugging my mom.
Actualizing my dreams.
My visions realized.
Having my hand held.
Filming a movie.
A job well done.
A life fully lived.
A heart that is full with the battle scars still intact.
A joyful reunion.
A rump in Austin.
Works completed.
Tasks fulfilled.

Claiming my Own

Resignation.
Someone thinks I'm cute.
Someone is wanting love to
spark.
I was informed of
the matter yesterday,
it just complicates things.
There's not a chance
in hell.
I actually don't believe
in hell. Well, I do
but it is created in
the mind. People are
in hell walking down the streets.
They don't really wait for
the hereafter.

There is an intensity
in my eyes
that often gets misconstrued.
I don't fully understand it
myself
but it is there, piercing
even me when I look
in the mirror.
Romantic love is up
in my lighthouse,
there it is safe
from the casualty
of lust.

He will not find me
whole or complete.
He would
become attached to
my dettachment.

What a World

True, some witch said this as her dying cry as she melted in to a puddle, but I say it more filled with awe. And I would lie if I said I wasn't crying out as well.
Happy late fourth. This year's celebration was a little tainted for me.

I have become recently obsessed with a documentary made in the 70s called Wattstax. I got it as character and costume study for the show Eye Candy will do next spring, but I have become fascinated by it. It was a show Stax records did for LA. The ticket price was a dollar, all the artists on the label were in it, and Stax footed most of the bill. Proceeds from the tickets went to a charity. It was a thank you concert to their fans. This event took place after the Watts Riots, it was kind of an anniversary of the civil rights movement. At the beginning of the concert, a beautiful afro puffed lady sings the national anthem, and no one stands up. Thousands of black people remain in their seats, some with arms crossed. Most with pissed off looks on their faces. Why? Because it wasn't the land of the free for them. America had done them an injustice, and I don't blame them for sitting. They were speaking their minds. The documentary opened my eyes up a little wider about the land of the free. Which is a joke. Sure we get to have nice things. Nice pretty material possessions (which I myself am attached to) but I have yet to see true happiness come from these things. I have seen true happiness come from love, and love is synonymous with God.

To boot: a dear friend and co-worker was in the hospital. She was passed out from Sunday til Tuesday. The circumstances are nothing that I approve of, she got herself there with a drug overdose... kinda. She actually was in for water toxicity, which was in relation to the drugs.
She remembers none of it. She doesn't remember the snorting of the cocaine, she doesn't remember the massive amounts of water she was putting in her body. Crazy that you can overdose on water, but it is true. It can make the fluid around your brain swell, and that is what will kill you.
Today I got a venti soy latte. Which is funny, I was only parroting the person in front of me using the word "venti." Usually I just say "medium" because I don't feel any fancier using the "italian" word for it. I was a little surprised how big the sucker was, but while I was paying for it, the cute little Starbucks girl was asking questions, friendly like, "Did you have a good 4th?" In my mind I was saying "No, I spent most of it in hospital at my friend's bedside, you little wench, and since when did it become Starbucks policy to try to make small talk with me?!?"
Instead, I gave her a tight smile and said: "Yes." I think if I spoke the truth in that moment it would have gummed up the Starbucks machinery and made it uncomfortable for everyone around me. Even though it smarted I took one for the team.

And I saw Ammachi last weekend. It was an interesting visit with her. I didn't stay up til all hours, and in doing so I missed some amazing performances. The cute little girls that do the traditional indian dances, and also a choir of women from Austin who do Gregorian chants, and stuff like that. I was upstairs sleeping. I felt safe being around her, and although I missed these things the quality of my sleep was excellent. It was deep and very restful and much needed. The times I was around her was spent coming to peace in my heart. I had been trying to cut out something from my heart, but it was painful and felt unnatural. I found it much easier to come to acceptance and peace. Much easier to be compassionate then hold hate. I don't want to tear my heart apart, it has been though enough without my interference.

Spending time with Amma helped me handle the news of my friend in the hospital. I remained calm and patient and prayed. This weekend is an encore performance of Eye Candy. My life moves forward without any prompting. Sometimes I feel I have to catch up to my own life, like a commuter jumping on to the trolley as it begins to speed away.

Hmmm...

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
-Albert Einstein

Going blonde!

Mwahaha!!! It will be a process, a summer project, if you will. The lightening has begun. To all those who didn't like my hair can give up little whoops of joy. Mom, William, did you honestly think I'd keep my hair like that forever? That I wouldn't get sick of the maintenance?

And this is a terrible sidenote, please forgive, but shit comes up you let it out:

Do you know that was the biggest kicker out of William and I's relationship? The beef that he had about me with the way that I was, were the SAME THINGS my Mom has issues with. Is that funny, or what? HA! ha. huh. Talk about mental and emotional rape. So, anonymous writer, THAT is why I lost my backbone. When he was going off I could hear my mother harmonizing her compliants with him in my head. A double whammy, cause it seemed that mom was right about all those horrible things she said, with him they came true.

Irony is a friend of mine.

On a brighter note (no, not my hair!) I got to say exactly what I wanted to Mr. No-Talkie.

When I addressed all his issues he had, he started backpedaling on showing his emotional investment to the past. "I don't really think about "all 'dat." I again called him on the bullshit. "Obviously you do or you wouldn't have brought it all up."

I got to say what I always wanted to say! Not everyone gets to have that opportunity, so I guess I'm pretty lucky.

And this burlesque show is going to kill me. Next time, we are getting more help. But I'm going to post a pic, to remind myself why it is going to be a killer show.

Wonders Never Cease

Ok, so maybe just maybe I can get some healing done with one of the loves of my life. Mr. I-never-want-to-speak-to-you-again has started dialogue. I am thankful, cause finally. Let's heal from the this. It is IN THE PAST for fucks sake. I don't know how successful I will be with getting on decent ground with this guy. I addressed each one of his grievances individually, we'll just have to wait and see.
Ewww, but I have a bad girl reputation in some circles! Wooo hoo!!! It's true! Let me indulge in this for an instant, because Jesus Christ, you know me. Scandalous? Please, I'm a teddy bear. I set bugs I find in my house free outside.
The coffee table! The blessed coffee table incident has been branded across my skin. Hester Pryne, I feel ya, girl. 7 years ago, I slept with the wrong man. Damaged me emotionally for a long time, cause I knew he wasn't right. I KNEW IT. But I didn't want to BELIEVE it.
And cause I didn't walk my truth then, I am still suffering the repercussions. Not from myself anymore, but from those I affected. I didn't ever think or realize I wielded that kind of sway. But I am being presented with this as fact. Again and again. I don't see myself very well, and in that statement there are SOOOOO many layers attached.
I really was clueless. I mean, what self-respecting girl would have put up with being refered to as a drunken mistake? And that was after the first time. Did he mean that? Not really, but he didn't want to show weakness to his friends. Totally understandable, with a healthy slice of sarcasm.
Different time, different Katrina.

I don't think I have to wear this scarlet table on my chest all the time, just when I go to Kansas City. And only if I run in to the right (or wrong, I'll leave it to you) people.

Walk Away.

The art of a cold shoulder.
So smooth and glassy.
There is not a hold
to grab on to, it is too
wide to put your fingers,
hands, or body around.
I have an image in my mind:
the automatic vacuum cleaner
that moves about the room,
a machine the size of a medium pizza,
3 inches thick. It goes around the
room
bumping in
to walls.
When it bumps in to
something it will turn around
and go a completely
different way.
I find myself
identifying
with this machine.

Yesterday I got a facial.
It was grounding, I traveled
to a magical wonderland
where I could let the thoughts
that came up slide right by.
It was a calm place where
letting go
was easy to do.
It is hard to get to
but when you
are there...

When it was over I got to
enjoy that for 10 minutes
before the phone was off
and running. My thoughts
were lined up
half way around the block,
impatiently waiting
for their turn.

Driven

When I have set my sights on a goal, do not get in my path. I'd akin it to something like a bull in a China shop, or the incredible hulk: roaring my power to the heavens. Or maybe like King Kong, I can rip through my chains, crushing my opponents... sometimes even my goals.
Ha.
I was telling my friend Casey how she had to be the strong, cause she is a powerful force and if we want to produce a good show, she has to pull double her wait, because she can. She broke down crying: "I'm sick of being the strong one! I want someone to hold MY hand. I want someone who will help me pull the wait, I want someone who is there to back me up." My reaction was to laugh.
Now, now. It wasn't because I laugh at other people's suffering, I laughed because those same words have fallen from my mouth.

We both dream of lovers who will hold us close, stand with us toe to toe. Love us for our whole selves, not just for our parts.
We are products of a spoiled generation. Where parents broke their backs to provide for us and didn't whisper a word about it to us. Divorce is rampant. A product of a throw away society who has little understanding of the impact their actions can make. We can always take a break during commercial, right? Flip the channel? Strength of character and integrity are definitely underplayed. Life isn't always about getting what you want, but making sacrifices and compromises to get what you need out of life. Sometimes the tunnel will be long and dark but in the end there is always a light.

That's what this burning hope I have tells me. Deep down inside.

Ow.

Today started with my ass being served to me on a yoga platter. Seriously.
I'm up early. I decide I want to work out, but I like to keep switching things up so I don't get bored. Why not a little body mind connection to balance out my exercise regime.
As I look the Yoga Room's schedule up on line, the first was already started. So, the next one was a flow yoga class. It could be lead by either Tom or Nicole. They switch off. Tom is very relaxing teacher, very calming. I've heard stories about Nicole. She is all about the challenge. I had a 50/50 chance.
These stories held truth. Cute little yogi butted Nicole worked us over hard. Some of those poses were mindbending, she helped position me in poses I didn't think I was that capable of.
I am in pain now. The kind of pain that will last 2 days. Maybe 3.
It is good that I did it. I now know I can't skip out on the strength training, cause sweat was pouring off of me. Every time we did forward bend I would hold my shirt to my face to absorb all the sweat pouring off me. Those people out there who think that yoga isn't quality exercise, has never met Nicole. She would probably make their ass a 12 course meal. I wouldn't have been able to survive that class if I hadn't studied under a teacher for over a year. I probably would have done much better if I had continued my study.
The tub and epsom salts are calling me.

Happy Monday.

Roses for Me

I give myself grace.
I give myself humility.
I give myself love.
I give myself forgiveness.
I give myself space.
I give myself all the time in the world.
I give myself beauty.
I give myself insight.
I give myself wisdom.
I give myself laughter.
Yet, it seems
I already have them.
Funny, I'd forgotten.

I give myself roses.
I deserve them.
They are white, and the edges
of the petals seem
dipped in red.

Panty Pick Me Up

I've heard this is also known as shopping therapy... but I have found nothing gives me warm fuzzies like a new pair of panties. Okay, getting new shoes makes ranks pretty high but a new pair of panties makes me feel beautiful and feminine and reminds me how darn cute I am. Especially cute panties ON SALE.

Magic

Time and space, I don't think these are quantifiable. They are greater than we can see.
Last night I got to hear repeated to me once again the same conversation that I've grown tired of. I tried to tell him he is trapped by his mind. Obviously, he keeps repeating to me the same damn excuses. I told him his heart should guide him, because it is stronger than the mind. The heart is where the seed of the soul lies. He listens, he understands, then starts repeating himself. Being a slave to the mind is a weakness. The mind is a tool to use, not a master to reign.
I hear what lies underneath. I hear the yearning, the want. He misses me, he desires me.
The things he wants to change about me speak of things he wants to change about himself. I'm scary. I am dangerous because of how close he is to falling in love with me. Well, it sounds like it's too late. The hooks are already in. The fish is struggling on the line. Maybe he will break free but doesn't seem to struggle with the connection too badly. He wants it to stay in tact, a security line.
And what do I represent? I am a challenge to him on all levels. As for me, I like challenges and find them exciting, but people like their bubbles they've created. They get attached. People like to safeguard their beliefs and their thoughts, some don't like to be challenged.
Today I got to hear him shoe shopping with his friends that are girls. I put my two cents in: "No, she should not get the white shoes cause they will scuff the first time she wears them." I was hanging out with them via me on the phone. Then I started to be torn up inside. He would deny me the luxury of getting to say goodbye, but he gives it so willingly to his friends, and am I not his friend too?
What am I, but objectified in his mind? The thing unattainable by a, b, and c. He would rather me be an idea or a concept. Something on the page. These are just words. They are little more than a thing that conveys the true feelings behind them. Or a mask to cover up those feelings as well.
Conflicted in matters of the heart?
My advice? Just listen.

A Visitation from Dad

Last night in my dreams I found myself inside a house where all the walls and ceilings were wood paneling. It was reminiscent of the walls of the family room from my childhood, but it was as if even this whole dream house was built with it. There was someone else in the house with me. I wasn't scared, I was curious to find out who was hiding from me. I would almost catch him, but he would cleverly allude me, until I finally caught him in his hiding spot behind the door. It made sense it was my father. He has always liked to tease me.
It has been a long time since he has visited. It is nice to know he will still drop by, for sometimes I fear I'll never see him again. We cuddled, like olden days of watching TV together. He soothed my inner turmoil with his presence; it was calming. He patted my back reassuringly and we slipped away from each other as I awoke.
I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to will myself back in to the dream, but I knew even if I went back to dreamland he would already be gone. With no words he had told me his peace. He let me know I was okay, and that all would be okay.

Ringing Words

Tonight, in conversation, directed at me was this question: "So, why do you always go for emotionally unavailable men?" I was floored.
Really? Is this what I'm doing?
I know how he feels but he holds back for circumstantial reasons that I find understandable.
I can easily love from afar. I could easily love him close by.
But would I ever have the same? I've had to listen to my faults laid out on a list which yesterday he discovered had no true validity. Attached to things that don't matter. All but the hair.
The hair color is my own. I earned it. My purple hair is my badge of honor. I worked hard to get to the point where I could walk my walk and love myself for it. I contemplate its disappearance and my heart falls. It wouldn't be for any of the right reasons. It wouldn't be for any of the right reasons at all.

Through my shoes

"It is the conflict of the mind that manifests war. When individuals change, society will automatically change." Ammachi


I remember when I had peace.
Tonight I sank my feet
in to the earth and sighed.
I looked out and saw
all that was orbiting me.

I am a universe of my very own.

After that, I noticed
that I was also
a satellite.
Spinning gracefully
through cosmos.
The ground under my feet
the garden in my view,
the sound of the street.
All these things are with me,
as well as all my feelings
all my self
all my love
it is there with me always
never seperating. Only
detached at times.
A puzzle that needs
put together. A tangled
ball of twine.
This morning I awoke
earlier than I would want.
I thought it was a knock on the door,
but it didn't come again.
I came from a dream
where I was arguing with
someone.
"I deserve this,
I worked hard for this!"
Like the universe
owed me
some entitlement.
Funny that I cling
to the earth
through my shoes.

Amma says:

Transcending the weaknesses of the mind and living in love is Godliness.

Early morning and a new world.

I woke up at 4:45 this morning. Not a big deal if you are my mom or my friend Toni, but if you are a Katrina this is not an ideal situation. On discovery that there was no chance in going to back to bed, the only thing to do is get up and start doing the million things on my to do list. Is blogging one of them? Well, NO, but it helps get the creative juices flowing. This week brought me a sunburn and a finished vegetable garden. Well, a garden's work is never done but at least everything is planted. Should I have relied on the sunblock I put on from the day before? Well, no, but don't bother me about that cause the inner admonishment over it has been going steady for the last 2 days. It's brightest peak is at my neck and the tops of my shoulders, than it runs down my arms and across the front of my chest. Blessed be that today it won't itch so bad.
My right hand also has started a protest. I'm assuming over the 15 holes I dug in my garden, but I can't be to sure. Sometimes it will protest over the darnest things. I still need to dig some garden holes for Peggy up front if the damn thing will just cooperate. But for now I must live in wrist brace city. Take massive amounts of ibuprofen and wish the pain away.
These hands are never idle. When they are pained it forces me to stop. I don't like having to slam to a halt. I have the world to conquer, but they are stubborn in their throbs. I try to negotiate with the right hand but it will have none of it. "No," it says, "I've had too much and I want a break."
I wish I could pluck off my right arm to let it rest while I go about my other business, but I am a living human being. To actually achieve this would be quite messy and not worth the effort.

I've been given more time to explore. My man is not going off to war in July. Maybe September, October. the lengthened deployment time (poor soldiers) has given him more time back here in the states. I still having a hard time believing it and absorbing all the ramifications.

Wisdom

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” --Nelson Mandela

Uncovering a Path

I wish for a new camera. Then to all it would be visible to work that my duplex-mate Peggy and I put in to our little plot of land we live on. We bundled sticks for the trashman, about 8, really more like 10 that are 12 inches in diameter. All 6 of our trashcans (How did we get so many trashcans? Good question. Ask Peggy) came in handy as they now are full of debris from around the property (not including bundled sticks). Please imagine this piled at the end of my driveway with and old lawn mower and a giant dollhouse.

We were inspired to do the work when our landlord's husband came over yesterday to cut our grass and till us a plot for a garden. Last year I did this all by myself. I was excited to have help. He left the tiller so I can rotate in some compost, but first the weeds need to come out. When he left we continued our work of clearing brush, old lawn art, and old telephone lines. Next to our garden plot is a cement path. There wasn't much exposed because of grass overgrowth.

I was raking the weeds out of our garden plot, when Peggy discovered there was more to the path then just a mere 12 inch width. We set about excavating, and under two inches of dirt and grass we uncovered a cute little sidewalk. I dug 8 inch trenches in the dirt, and set 5 heavy cement decorative slabs to line our new path, so the grass and earth will not take over our little sidewalk again.
I'm bad-ass.
Did I burn? Hell, yeah. Not terribly, but I do need help getting some aloe on my back.
I can't wait for the garden's potential to be fully realized.

Amma says:

Huge trees are uprooted and buildings collapse in a cyclone, but no matter how strong a cyclone is, it cannot touch the grass. This is the greatness of humility.

Hooray for OJ!

Today I am coming off my fast. I get to drink OJ today. Orange juice and water. Apparently this is preparing my digestive tract to once again receive food. Don't ask me, I'm just on the cleanse. Tomorrow evening I can have soup. Yea, soup! What I really am fantasizing about is some grilled talapia drizzled with a mango sauce. The thought gets me super excited. I probably won't be able to eat this til Sunday or Monday, but a girl can dream, can't she?
My thoughts about my fast:
Crucial, crucial time time to do it. I needed to force focus on myself, as I snatch at whispers of truth, trying to wring meaning out of the smallest gesture. I've experienced immense amounts of energy, I have also felt as slow as a sloth (I'm assured this is a sign of detox). I have been irritable, and with little patience (about day 6 I wanted it to be over). This fast has forced me to have patience, made me diligent and proved the strength of my will. With which, I believe, I could knock over an army. It has stripped away any chance to emotionally overeat. It has made me face some of my demons, and I shook my fists in their face. I looked my obstacles in the eye, and they blinked before I did.
Last night and today I've been focusing on being thankful. Giving thanks and praise is like bathing your soul in clouds.

Umm, maybe that sounds weird but it's really great I swear.

Hooray for OJ!

Hands and Feet

My maternal grandmother's hands were the same size as mine. I know this because the rings she gave me fit me perfectly. When I was massaging my paternal grandmother's feet recently I discovered I inherited her feet. Mine have the same shapes and curves that hers does, just a bigger model.
My ancestors are in my body. My grandmothers guide my actions and my steps... always. I can't escape them. Unless I mutilate my body. This knowledge has been gratifying and comforting: I feel them with me. I am not alone as I put on my shoes. When I put on lotion I am reminded of the residue left in the crevices of my Grandma's ring. When I stretch they connect me like the poles on the planet. I feel more secure in my waking life, knowing that their legacy is engraved in my body.

On the 7th day of fast

God said, "Let there be crap still in your bowels, although you haven't eaten in a week." I was really surprised at this. Yesterday I had made the decision that I would come off the fast if nothing came out after my morning "flush." There is still crap in my body, so I'm going to continue my detox. :( I miss food. But, I'm on the back half of the Cleanse. I've made it this far, I can go all the way.
People suffer worse. I think of the people in refugee camps and the jews in the concentration camps, had far less then what I'm living off of, and they survived. In my spoiled American lifestyle I don't think I'm making that great a sacrifice.
There are perks to this fast. Yesterday I put on a pair of jeans that have been uncomfortable to wear, and they are loose. I'm going to dig deeper in my closet and see how other things look. Now, I will gain half of the weight I lost back, but it is fun to see what I am capable of: physically and mentally.

Daffodils and Hearts

"Love has its own logic, love is its own reward." In one of my kundalini tapes, this is stated. I'm using it as my mantra prayer at the moment. It might be the only thing that sees me through. Here I sit. Wondering about the shape of my life when it is quite beautiful. Divine trust will make it stronger. I have always been a fool for love. I don't think this will ever change. It is something I like to do. If I could swim in a ocean of love I would for eternity. I'd never get out of the water. My friend Jessica says I am boy crazy. She is right. I think my family ws concerned that I was gay for a time. I do worship the feminine, our true power is yet to be fully unleashed, but I've always been infatuated with the males. Sometimes I am able to temper this attraction, I'm not always in the mood, but there are crests in my love ocean and sometimes I will get very high up on a wave.
I also think I like my father's approach. He didn't date around much until he found the lady of his heart. I will still be a love sick fool, but only the good ones get past the gates these days. The other ones I throw to the dogs. I learned a valuable lesson letting a dog come and live with me. The last bit of his presence is the stereo he left, which I consider my consellation prize.
My mother said to me, "I can't stand another rejection," refering to when I get dumped by boys. I was thrown of by this comment. Yes, surely in my youth, but as an adult I don't think I've bothered including my mother in my adult relationships. Usually I let her in long after it is past, to waylay her negative comments about what I'm really enjoying. However, I got the chance to flip the 60,000 dollar card and this was soothing to her... the only negative comment was the one stated earlier in the paragraph.
This road I'm on, I never expected it to be like this. I never realized this connection would ever resurface. I never thought I'd get the chance to make up for past mistakes I deeply regret. I never thought I'd see the tables turn, with William and I. I never though 10 years down the line I would pine for him like he did for me. I don't know where this road is leading, but my priorities need to remain focused. I'm here on this planet for a reason, I was given my gifts to use them, and this knowledge I can not abandon. I've tried to before, it doesn't work. They will keep me up at night. It is much easier for me to acknowledge these truths and implement action. With this man, I don't know what kind of action I should be implementing. We are so far away, and an even greater distance looms in our future. This is unfortunate. I want the chance of being able to date this man normally, but I myself am far from the norm so really what can I expect?
Yesterday, having no daffodils of my own, I stole some from the park. I will probably go steal some more. My favorite flower, the herald of my favorite season. I can lose myself in their sunny yellow, so I want them all over the house.

Master Cleanse

Yesterday I started a minimum 10 day fast. We'll see how it goes. Yesterday simple. Drink the lemonade cocktail when your hungry.

29

I've made it thus far.

Full Circle Peace

It has been 10 years since I've seen him. I had ended our relationship with coldness and cruelty. This was prompted by a low self esteem, depression, and yet a deep need for attention. What I did to him has been one of my few deep regrets in life. I found him recently online, the magic of the world wide web. I got to apologize, he got to vent, and we both flowed in to a conversation that has been rewarding. And I find myself at peace. I'm smiling with my whole body. A warm inner glow permeates throughout me being, and right now, I'm going to enjoy it. Because I don't always get to feel like this. It would be nice, but with this day and age being what it is, it seems an ideology. I'm glad he is back in my life.

The Ice Storm Cometh

Well, happy New Year and all that jazz. What is in store for us is beyond our imaginings, I don't know what the future will bring.. but for now it's spread sheets (new job reference). Which I have to do about 8 hours of work on this weekend. Fun stuff. I'm trapped in this evening as the weather outside is frightful. It looks like a giant slushie machine exploded.
I've started off the new year running hard. Starting a new part time job where I have creative freedom, go me... and then Working full time at a job that scares me every time I go in. Will I be able to get through this day painless? Usually not. With the amount of massages they load on my book? Ha. Everyday I ache. Sometimes I wake up with it now. My body begs to stop and my only response is to shake my head. We can't quit now. Part time is just ahead. It is a scary thing to have your body fail you.
I sleep with wrist braces on. At first they were annoying and unwieldy. Now they are a comfort. When I slip them on and adjust the straps I feel safe.
I am more of a hermit these days. I wonder what it is like for other people who live in the constant presence of another. I gave myself a reading with these new tarot-like cards I got. The chief scientist's dad (yes, my new company Tech Mavericks have a "Chief Scientist") designed them and so I got to play with them. I'm not going to give them back. At first they seem a little difficult and daunting to grasp, but reading over the instructions a couple of times made the cards really easy to interpret. Their message was simple: make space. Huh. I never think about doing that, so I'll try it.
I would call the Pizza Man and have him brave the icy storms but I have stuff to make a lovely dinner. I just have to find the motivation from under some pile in this house.
Oh, yeah. I'm going to paint the backroom. Perhaps I'll start tonight if I can just find that ellusive motivation... I know I had it here somewhere...
I haven't posted a lot lately because this blog spot is changing to a different server and it has proven to be difficult to get in. Tonight, however, I succeeded.
Well wishes and much love,
K