Daffodils and Hearts

"Love has its own logic, love is its own reward." In one of my kundalini tapes, this is stated. I'm using it as my mantra prayer at the moment. It might be the only thing that sees me through. Here I sit. Wondering about the shape of my life when it is quite beautiful. Divine trust will make it stronger. I have always been a fool for love. I don't think this will ever change. It is something I like to do. If I could swim in a ocean of love I would for eternity. I'd never get out of the water. My friend Jessica says I am boy crazy. She is right. I think my family ws concerned that I was gay for a time. I do worship the feminine, our true power is yet to be fully unleashed, but I've always been infatuated with the males. Sometimes I am able to temper this attraction, I'm not always in the mood, but there are crests in my love ocean and sometimes I will get very high up on a wave.
I also think I like my father's approach. He didn't date around much until he found the lady of his heart. I will still be a love sick fool, but only the good ones get past the gates these days. The other ones I throw to the dogs. I learned a valuable lesson letting a dog come and live with me. The last bit of his presence is the stereo he left, which I consider my consellation prize.
My mother said to me, "I can't stand another rejection," refering to when I get dumped by boys. I was thrown of by this comment. Yes, surely in my youth, but as an adult I don't think I've bothered including my mother in my adult relationships. Usually I let her in long after it is past, to waylay her negative comments about what I'm really enjoying. However, I got the chance to flip the 60,000 dollar card and this was soothing to her... the only negative comment was the one stated earlier in the paragraph.
This road I'm on, I never expected it to be like this. I never realized this connection would ever resurface. I never thought I'd get the chance to make up for past mistakes I deeply regret. I never thought I'd see the tables turn, with William and I. I never though 10 years down the line I would pine for him like he did for me. I don't know where this road is leading, but my priorities need to remain focused. I'm here on this planet for a reason, I was given my gifts to use them, and this knowledge I can not abandon. I've tried to before, it doesn't work. They will keep me up at night. It is much easier for me to acknowledge these truths and implement action. With this man, I don't know what kind of action I should be implementing. We are so far away, and an even greater distance looms in our future. This is unfortunate. I want the chance of being able to date this man normally, but I myself am far from the norm so really what can I expect?
Yesterday, having no daffodils of my own, I stole some from the park. I will probably go steal some more. My favorite flower, the herald of my favorite season. I can lose myself in their sunny yellow, so I want them all over the house.