Beautiful Prayer

O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console;
To be understood,
as to understand;
To be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that
we are pardoned;

It is in dying that we are born
to Eternal life.
- Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Adventures in Cat Bathing

My cats are flea-ridden. Perhaps it was when Ticca decided to have her little adventure underneath the house, at least that is my guess. So I thought I was going to be humane and not bathe them in the cold weather, although the urge to clean their nasty little bodies consumed me last night. I would wait, I thought, til morning and get to the vet and get some kitty frontline. Apon waking I called the Vet, and they are closed til MONDAY due to the weather! Stupid snow! Trapping me in with flea bags! A-bathing we will go! I called my duplex mate Peggy and asked her for help. She came over and I picked the most difficult one to bathe of the bunch: Ticca. Now Alfonzo and Symphony Squirrelly have been getting bathes for quite a while. It is a process with them but they have learned that being still is the quickest way to get it over with. Not Ticca. With her incredibly long limbs she turns in to a very large spider with legs shooting out again and again searching for an escape. This is why I enlisted the help of Peggy. This time with help I was able to keep her in the bathtub the whole time. A great feat, I assure you. After kitty gets bath, kitty gets wrapped up in towel and held like a baby. This is all the cats favorite part: to be out of the tub.
I was going to go down the line in order of difficulty, which would make Alfonzo next. But he mysteriously disappeared. My bet for him was that he would come out as soon as Ticca was finished to help her groom, they are best friends after all.
So Symphony was next. And although she protests vocally she is my bestest kitty in the bathtub. However, the hose on my showerhead broke in the middle of her bath. Still usable for cat washing but as far as my ability to take showers? For the time being, no longer.
Lastly, Alfonzo. Still nowhere in sight. I asked Peggy if he got out when she came in, she said no. So we looked everywhere, the closets were closed though. Not under the bed. We looked behind everything twice, and on the third look in my back room I saw his bulky figure hiding deep under my sewing table. It appears Alfonzo is more intelligent then I had previously give him credit.
This all happening yesterday. Apon waking this morning I discovered the problem was by no means fixed, as I felt a flea land on my wrist, and hop quickly away before I had a time to kill. Symphony got up for breakfast, and underneath her the evidence of a flea city still inhabiting her fur was there.
The whole cat cleaning affair proved pointless.

Tulips for me!

For my performance tonight I got tulips! My friend Celeste lovingly gave them to me, and it gives such a fabulous feeling to receive flowers. I had forgotten how it felt, it has been every so long. I see why my grandparents take each others' pictures next to the bouquets they receive. If you'd like to see the evidence I'd happily show you.
So sweet and so cute.
Yea, me!

Vivid dream

I dreamed my mother had moved in to a white farm house. She wasn't happy with her situation, maybe she had to move there, there was something about someone wanted money. A bill she couldn't pay, and I told her I'd help her out with it doing massages. We were in the kitchen and my oldest sister was there too. She said: "I don't like what's going on the the basement, or cellar, I want you to take a look at it." I was confused, if it was scary why would she want me to go down there? But she seemed confidant as she headed down the stairs so I followed. There was a children's play area in the center. She took me to a corner of the basement by the play area and pointed out the problem. The two coolest board games were there covered by a huge spider web with a big spider, and a plant was growing out of the center of the lid of the box. I looked around for other games to play instead. In the children's area and in the center of the room was a tall bookcase filled with other board games, books, and toys. They weren't as cool as the games under the spider and plant.
FLASH OUT OF THAT to working upstairs in the farm house on a male client. The carpet was cheap and thin and had stripes. It was a good massage, we were sharing pleasant conversation and then he snapped his arm up and grabbed my boob in a pinch hold. In the fashion I do when I work on people's arms I usually have to remind them to relax their arms. "Relax, relax, relax," I said. He wouldn't so as I said the words I dug my nails in to his hand deeper and deeper til he finally let go. I moved on and started working on his feet. He was weirded out by the experience and got up before I was done and left quickly. I had another client right after, and she was one I knew from work but she always goes to another massage therapist. She had luggage she needed help with but that last part was the only part I understood because she does need help with her emotional baggage. the rest of the dream has only droplets of symbolism my dream book interprets. The spider and the plant are good omen. The full bookcase is a prosperous sign. The significance of the board games, cheap thin carpet, and the fact that a male client flipped out more over his sexual advances than I did eludes me. It will uncover itself in time I suppose, much like my axe dream.
On another note, I got a speeding ticket yesterday. A bad one. I was going 33 in a school zone. OUCH. I have to go to COURT on the 4th of December. I will have to plead to the judge to take it easy. I'm normally very observant about speed zones, I believe the children are our future. However, yesterday I was more focused on the classical movement on the radio, the warm sun, and my thoughts.

Out of the worm hole

Well, that's over. Thank God. The weekend came and went. My car was fritzing out. There was terrible cattyness this weekend for Friday's performance: lots of shitty attitudes. Love of my life gone courting someone else. Terrible violent dreams.
Bioenergitic Workshop (releasing held emotions through movement, very cool stuff).
The car? Wires to the battery were loose and all that was needed was to tighten bolts! Thanks to a neighbor Rex it's running swell. Group meeting led cleared up communication channels and we came back stronger than ever for a killer Saturday show. I calmy had a conversation with the other woman. I could see him watching in my the corner of my eye, should have bitch slapped her, but I showed grace. Well, the explosion of ego Friday night showed me what the axe dream was all about. And the workshop helped me raise awareness of my body and the space around me. My space.
A night cap for the weekend was discussing our next project for SuperOVUM. We are doing a Project Runway parody. Yum.
Life. What a ride, huh?

Call me a plow, I'm pushing on through

A lot has happened. A lot more to come. I dreamed the other night I killed someone with an axe. A beautiful latino girl, and it left me miserable. It was the kind of dream I woke up so thankful it wasn't "real." Not "real" but somewhere in my subconscious I'm out for blood. At this moment, I'm shaking and quivering from my FREEZING house but until I write the words my brain will be held in grid lock, unable to sleep. Oh, the long long day in store for tomorrow. My patience has been warn thin by the actions of others. I've had to deal with some pretty passive aggressive behavior this week and I was working hard at not reacting and being the better person but I have reached my limit.
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
why are you like me
most of all?
That grievance pales in comparison to this:
HE WAS HOLDING HER HAND. He held her hand like he should of held mine. After all we went through and how well he knows me, he didn't give me the heads up but let me find out by physically putting it in my face. I want everything I ever wrote him back. He was the only one I ever wrote love letters to. He doesn't deserve to lay an eye on them ever again. He is not worthy. One of my closest girlfriends did her best to calm me down, but the slight has been made, my pride has been smudged. "If you take back that you are taking back love from the Universe," she told me, "have grace, treat him with grace."
I acknowledge this truth, but I am so sick of this. All my relationships have run ashore, every single one. None have ever been sea worthy. I'm sick of being disappointed by men. I deserve more. My heart has been squeezed like a boob in a mammagram.
Yeah, I'm better off, thanks very fucking much. Love to hear it.

And there is no crying in baseball. The night that I saw a woman lose her life over the money in the cash register, I learned a powerful thing. I had no idea what strength lay buried dead inside. I learned without a shadow of a doubt what I'm capable of. No one can ever take that knowledge from me, I was there, I was my own witness.
I will not break, I will bend in the wind. That's what trees have taught me.
I have no time to mourn a relationship lost I never fully had, but I do feel it's blow. I do feel all the blows. I feel battered and used but I can do nothing but move forward. I have a will that will live beyond me. Even when I don't want to, I'm propelled forward.
I would, however, like a timeout, but it ain't gonna happen.
Bend, don't break.

In Motion

I instituted some change. The date to learn how to edit film? Friday. The massive disorganization that is taking over my house? Bring in my friend Toni the professional organizer, who delights in organizing. Who knew a fellow Aquarian could hold such fantabulous powers? We Aquarians are usually known for our world-loving flighty free spirits. I surprised a new friend with my zodiac sign: "You are so grounded for an Aquarian!" Perhaps I put on a very good act. Perhaps I've seen too much and have improved too much to not be completely aware that this moment is what counts. Not what I could be doing or what I haven't done so far. Oh yeah, and those boots... are MINE. I should have exercised today but my legs still burn from Monday. Strippers work hard to shake their asses. Just ask my quads. And no, mother, that is not a reference to a career change.

I am myself

No one can take that from me. Well, accept God. No one accept God. Or me. I can take myself from me. Which I've been doing lately. I haven't found myself good company to be around lately. I also haven't found many people that understand why I would or could feel that way. But the truth exists. I'm procrastinating on stuff I WANT to do. There is no more room for anything but change. Perhaps it's time to open up and receive that change.

Bidding War

There are these boots on ebay that I could use for a costume. They are perfect and I want them. This stupid biddy who just joined ebay yesterday is playing a nasty battle for MY boots. Being new she is really eager to play the bidding battle. It's fun, those boots are cute, and she's never bid against someone before. Too bad for her. Those boots are on sale for another 12 hours. The minute before they will be sold to her, they will be mine. Oh, yes. I will play dirty. I will allow her to think she has gotten some of the coolest black boots in the whole world, and then I will rip that Queen of the Mountain rug right out from under her! Raise the price on boots that were meant for me, will ya? We'll just see about that...

Still need some work...

Opportunities have arisen to pursue deeper emotional connections, and I have shoned them all. I decided that the day I meet someone that I feel completely at ease around, is the day I'll find a person I can spend the rest of my life with. I want every day to be 'yes,' not 'no' or 'well, maybe...' Strange sentence, but true.
The large bruise on my knee, the deep slice on my thumb... yeah, I can't massage right now (both owies are on the right side, the giving, left is where you receive). And there isn't anything I can do about it accept sit and heal. Fuck the fact that I have bills to pay, I can't do anything about it- I have a deep, infected wound. I have an aloe bandaid on it and I think it's helping, it feels so good.
So no 'ifs,' 'ands' or 'buts' about it. Strange similiar theme to pop up again. I have been forced to stop. I choose to look inside and see what I've been neglecting. This has slowed me to a crawls place.
I'm upset enough to drink Coke. Yech. I guess I'm pissed off at myself because I know exactly what horrible bad things for your body that they contain. And I had two. Double whammy bitch slap on my body.
It feels safe in my art. I'll go there in a painting or two. Creating will be slow since my thumb is out of commision, I mean, think of all the things you do with your hand. The thumb is a vital part. Writing this blog without using my thumb has been rather interesting.
Think of me and my right knee and thumb. Think of us whole again.
I think it's time to fast. That's right, I said it.
Poisoning my body with soft drink and bleached flour products is not the answer.

To-Do lists help

I actually get the things on them accomplished if I right them down. It didn't use to be like that, but things have changed. I can accomplish things! Yea, me.
Yesterday I gave 6 massages and a killer show. It was a really grand show and I love where my troupe is at and where we are going. Am I beat? YES. Is my knee swollen and bruised? Yes. Am I unable to use my thumb from a deep slice running across it? Yes. Typing right now is kind of interesting. Thumbs are really important. We use them all the time. My story for today:
It was my last massage of the day. I was trying to hurry because I had to pick up someone from the airport right after work. The last person on my table was a woman who lost her husband 10 days ago, and they don't know why. They are having to wait on the autopsy.
This is not the first time people in grief have ended up on my table. It makes absolute sense. Two of the people I loved most in this world are gone, and both exited this planet 6 years apart, on the same day. I know grief very well. The massage was healing for me too. I got to tell her things I wish people had said to me.
"I know where you are at," I told her, "I am very fimiliar with grief. I've had very close loved one pass away. Grief is a rebirth, because everything is stripped away. Nothing matters. Absolutely nothing but a very real loss. Unnecessary things you put value in to before don't matter anymore, slowly but surely you are left with what is truly important. In time you will see why you went through this, but not now. It doesn't make sense now. People will say stupid things. (Yes, she said, her husband and her planned to take care of their completely handicapped son for as long as they lived, and people in the past days have said to her: 'Well, I guess now you'll put him in a nursing home.' Bad timing) They just don't know any different. There is no set grieving time. My father died six years ago, and my mother still thinks about him everyday. Why not? I lost a dog and every time I think about him I wish he was still with me. Our society rudely pushes us forward at a pace it thinks we must all run, it simply isn't true. Sometimes we need to slow down, slow way down. Give yourself time and thought and consideration."

This is the general gist of the conversation. I had been running a mile a minute that day, and I knew I needed to shut off my agendas, stop, and focus on her. Being there for her was the best part of my day.

Austin and horizons

The world is waiting for me. I just have to activate it. I can barely even begin to think of all the wonderful flavored filled moments I had in that city. My head is really foggy right now too. It's an obstacle. There is so much swimming around mind, it is kinda like... where to begin. Exactly. A brain sample:
Posters for next show, which is NEXT WEEK. I forgot about the skirt. Mendhi art. Friend is PREGNANT! Ostrich feathers! Beautiful hand. Improve improv. Which boots? Should I care about this guy? I don't even wanna bother. Should I ground the fenugreek? SuperOVUM show is Austin!!! Soak the beans. Clean the house. Call the friend. Posters! What about the posters? Rehearsals... where are we gonna have rehearsals? John didn't answer my phone call. PREGNANT! I need a to do list. Where did the floor polish go? I thought it was by the broom. Maybe I put it under the sink where it belongs... I won't have a free moment tomorrow. Did I piss somebody off? I hope I didn't piss someone off. I'm pissed off. I'm a Mad Hatter with rhinestones.

As you can see, I'm my head space is a little ridiculous right now.
Wish me luck.

Oklahoma Sunset

I almost got my head ran over and I loved it!

Maybe I shouldn't start this installment out with that announcement considering the true severity of the situation. I was indeed inches away from getting my head squished like a grape, but at the same time I am really not so upset about it because obviously it was not my time to go yet. I'm okay, despite a twinging hip and a few scrapes on my toes. Yoga is helping realign my pelvic girdle.
So I'll start from the beginning:
The Old fashioned Poisoned Candy show is coming up in October. This is the show the Nightingale has put on for the last 2 years. It is put on by the 50Swats Collective, a writing group. Several writers get together and write scary, funny, and creepy scenes and monologues and songs. Last year one of my assignments handed out by the mysterious Queen Bee was to write a song, I ended up being a deviled egg threatening the audience with my plastic pitchfork and singing about how terribly BAAAAD I was. I even had a chicklet chorus. This is a glimpse of how fun those shows have been for me.
A week ago there was a knock on my door. A sharp rapping, which scared me. I go and open my door and there is no one there but a manilla envelope with my name on it. A little spooked I snatched up the envelope and quickly shut and locked the door. In the envelope was a CD with a note attached "Confirm receipt" an email address was given. I put in the CD. It is instructions from the Hive to be at my home last Monday evening between such and such time for transport.
On the appointed day and in the appointed hour a long white van pulls up in front of my house. Out pop two masked figures in black robes. My friends Lynn and Robbo were with me. The mask figures come to the door and hand us masks and blind folds.
Once in the van and blindfolds are securely in place, we make are way to pick up about 15 of our friends. Performers and writers.
Our destination was a little old house with candles burning in the window. This is the point my head almost gets squished. I am the first one out of the van, the door opened up, we were instructed to remove our blindfolds and leave our masks on. The masks are those cheapie kind you can't really see out of. The door opened up and I step out of the van but as I'm stepping out the van starts rolling because it wasn't in park and I fall out. All I could see as I fell was white van and big tire. Apparently I rolled out of the way in the nick of time. My friends are scrambling around me to see if I'm okay and giving the thumbs up sign is not enough to show them I'm okay so I start laughing. Of course I'm going to fall out of a moving vehicle with a swollen knee and a thumb that is sore from to much kneading of muscle tissue. OF COURSE.
Inside we must sit around in a circle and share a fear we have. One by one we went up to get our writing assignment by looking in the mirror and saying our name three times. A dark figure crawled out of the closet and handed us our assignments in manilla envelopes.
My friends went all out for us to spook us and inspire creepy tales to come out of us. I know I'm a talented performer with a lot to offer and I sometimes question why I am in Oklahoma, of all places. If I get to create with friends like these, why would I want to be anywhere else? Even if they almost squish my head.

Ode to a Gypsy

Today I found out an old friend had died. We all called him Gypsy. He lived through the Tulsa race riots. He was a blues legend of his time, playing with some greats like Janis Joplin, and how he wound up in Tulsa, I don't know. But then, I once met a man who once was in AA with Eric Clapton in Tulsa. Gypsy was an old black man with feeble legs, he walked with a cane. Yet when his fingers touched the bass it was riveting to hear him. My friend who had been taking care of him told me Gypsy always spoke highly of me. He loved my voice and dug my lyrics thought they were beautiful, loved to watch me in performances, "and she's funny too!" My friend said just talking about me Gypsy would get all riled up. I'm glad I could bring joy in to his life, this brings me comfort and tears.
So I lost one of my biggest fans. It was hard for me, to see him close to the end. I feel guilty about this. It was hard to be around him, I could tell he was on the way out. It hurts me to see someone struggling, I felt his pain.
Now that pain is no longer there. When my friend told me today the gentle man had passed, I said, "Good." And started crying. He was truly a gentle, loving soul, and now he can be with his lady Julie again. So long, old friend, thanks for your loving support. I appreciate it more than I could ever express.

I believe that's MY bouquet

This is my friend Lynn's wedding. She picked the same colors for her wedding that my sisters did, my siblings and mother should recognize the dress.

I am, indeed, victoriously holding aloft the bouquet. I know I'm spelling that right because I looked it up in the dictionary next to my computer. This might scare a few of you gents, but that is actually the 4th time for me to catch the bouquet. In fact, I think it will be a sad day for me when I can't join the line up for the toss. I do enjoy some fun friendly competition. The bouquet I caught before this was earlier this summer. Right before the bride was gonna throw I turned to another beautiful miss and told her without blinking, "You catch that bouquet, and I'm gonna break your legs." I think she thought I was kidding. This time around I had to push a 12 year old out of the way.

Maybe this means I'm not afraid to go for what I want. But I doubt that. Maybe this means I am ready as ready can be for love... but I doubt that too. In cleaning my house I contemplated the thought of sharing my life with someone, I mean, REALLY sharing my life with someone. I thought about having another toothbrush next to mine. Putting clothes away I imagined what it would be like sharing drawer space with another person. I have ideals and expectations and desires I want in another person, but I'm not so sure I'm living them for myself. I have dreams and wishes and I talk and sing to myself alot. I chirp like a little bird around my house. I'd rather at this point not have others to bare witness to my private existence, I have fun being alone. Yet I am gregarious. I do want someone baring witness to my existence, but I don't want to sacrifice what I have to get that. I guess I'll just have to go catch another bouquet.

Show Poster

One of the ova's boyfriend is a graphic artist. Is that last sentence grammatically correct? Did I spell gammatically correct? Whatever... here is the poster:

Ammaritanandamayi, Ganesh, and a Lutheran walk in to a bar...

Yeah, I saw Amma. She helped refocus my awareness. There are things that truly matter and a lot that don't. Sometimes I get caught up in details and I neglect the bigger picture that is underlining everything. Love is such a simple, easy thing. Attachments blurr it's beauty.
I wish that things for me would have such poignant clarity all the time, but I believe that comes with daily meditation and also being put in to actual practice.

I haven't been one to be down with polytheism. I believe in one God who works through love and compassion. Back when I lived in a mouse infested house with two common senseless engineers and had an army cot for a bed, I pledged myself a servant of God. There are others who live out their lives in much worse conditions but I had virtually nothing and there on that cot- wondering why I made the treck to land in Oklahoma of all places- I felt God's presence. A warm glow of pure love completely bathing me. I would like to feel this always. I feel this in Amma's presence too. Hokey or not, this is my experience.
Now I don't always agree with the assignments God hands me but I do them just the same. If I wasn't so reluctant I'm sure I'd be farther along now but I've noticed in hindsight everything is in perfect time. I do my best to serve my fellow beings to the best of my capacity. That is why I dig Amma. She's got it down to a greater degree than I can even fathom. I therefore look to her for guidance.

Oh, yeah, back to polytheism... I believe ALL ONE, but this weekend images of Ganesh, the elephant headed God, the destroyer of obstacles, called to me with his broken tusk and twining trunk. I could not deny my own inner obstacles as I studied his visage. I enjoy the thought of a symbol helping to focus on particular difficulties that I face. If that is what polytheism is, then I'm diggity down. Ganesh now swings on a silver chain above my heart.

Today a door opened up for me

I'm not terribly in the mood to pop out a blog but something compels my tired eyes. Perhaps a rearrangement of thoughts.
I get to be in the presence of my guru. My favorite bodhisattva. Love and serve all, baby. Love and serve all.
When Amma tours a city the public program is usually takes place in a hotel. Friday there was not a room in the hotel available. The woman was going to put me up at another hotel, and it would not be fun to ever have to stray far from the gathering. I told her I'd call back. I prayed to Amma all weekend, asking her for a spot closer.
Today I called to book a room for reals and a cancellation had occured.

OVUM has resurrected out of the ashes and her wings are wide and proud. Our first rehearsal back together was a beautiful and magical. We have a fundraiser to coordinate at the end of the month. July 28th. :):):):):):)
The name of our first show:
Backwards and in Heels

Waka waka waka

I spent four days camping at Wakarusa music festival and listening to good music and I now know I want to create mad mad sweet music. The band is in development but I'm really excited about the whole concept of playing at a festival. Looking forward to getting onstage there next year. It's a goal, a thing to help me focus.
I like things that give me focus. I feel my talents can sometimes be one big creative blur and nothing really sticks out as being the thing, the magical be-all gift I can share with the world so I continue to explore them all and see what happens. I know I'm at the least very entertaining. Tomorrow night I get to perform at a variety show so I will get to talk and sing and hopefully I am not mistaken on my previous comment that I entertain. If all else fails, I got some dead baby jokes that are SURE to win over the crowd.
I decided to pull my improv troupe SuperOVUM out of hiding and start us playing out again. I feel really good about it. In fact, since I made the decision to start at it again I've felt better than I have in months. MONTHS. True, I had lost the will to lead for a while. My grandma died and I couldn't seem to motivate anyone. I didn't have motivation. Having been away from it and try to work on other projects I discovered that I like my vision and so do others. To be truthful, I was really encouraged by others to take up the directing reins again. I hemmed and hawed about it. Some beautiful souls kept reinerating to me how much they loved and grew under my direction. It finally sank in.
I'm also going to take a film class in the fall with another OVUM and so we can start creating on another powerful medium. I'm rubbing my hands together with glee.

How long can this computer last?

It's getting pretty tricky. A pop-up comes up every minute it seems to tell me something is disasterously wrong with my computer and I should attend to it immediately. It has limited my computer time which is okay cause I've plenty of things left undone around my house. Which for some reason STILL aren't getting done. Yesterday one of the dancers on my dance card came over and defragmented my computer. Today I've not experienced any pop ups and it is a delightful change. However, I still need to figure out why the floors remain unswept.

Mama didn't raise no whore, but that's what she got

It changes my perspective that my mother reads my blog. I worry about what she must think of her daughter she raised under her own values, morals, and ethics that is far removed from what she invisioned for my future. Worrying and fussing is for the birds.
I also weigh in why I began writing this blog in the first place. An honest output of self expression.
There are no take backs. Mom still reads it even though she may not like what she sees. She wants to know my thoughts, she's curious perhaps, wants to understand the eccentric artist daughter she helped create many years ago. Good luck, Mom, you know I love ya. I get me better than most but still I struggle as to what it all means. I'm learning as I go.
I visited Kansas City home town and it had been a while, 6 maybe 7 years since I've seen some of these people and whoa what a surreal experience. Most people had grown up and it was so much fun to hang with my old buddies and even one who didn't like me much bought me a beer. For a while I was focusing on the negative. Those few people that still don't like me I blew way out of proportion to the whole world hating me and in hindsight so silly because there were so many happy faces that WERE happy to see me, and we had a rockin time together and it WAS a reunion of all my favorite people (just like Stephanie said).
I want everyone to like me. It feels devastating to me to not be accepted. I'm looking forward to getting over that, cause that weekend was so beautiful. A lot of things came full circle. Friendships reconnected, old wounds healed. A lot of love was shared. Mom gave me plants. My coming home was another reaffirmation that the life I live and the love I put in to all that surrounds me IS working. I am on the right path. I am fulfilling the assignments God has set out for me. I am so thankful for all that I have. Even the bad showed me the good.
Roller me a coaster,
life's ups and downs
are worth the experience
of being alive.
I read a friend's paper of scribbled journaling... I shouldn't of, it was uninvited observation of the thoughts in his head but I was struck with some words I found:
Fear is God's greatest sadness.
This week I once again experienced another coming together of wonderful souls. This time I was new and unknown, I met a new tribe of people that hadn't seen me through my awkward years and didn't know me from Eve. We made music together and played games and as open hearted people we shared willingly with one another. I forged some new friendships that will last a lifetime. I don't even have to express my love anymore for people to feel it.

So, I don't NEED everyone's love. I've got a some pretty potent stuff all to my lovely self. It's fun to share, and I chose to focus on the ones that are willing to do so. The wet blankets of this world will hopefully one day air themselves out to dry.

The never ending garden

So I tilled a plot of land to make in to a garden. I looked out at my garden proudly all day. And it was in the shade in the morning. mid morning. afternoon. and still at 3 when I went to work. Vegetables need full light. I had to till a new patch. It took me forever to figure out how to work the tiller in the first place.
For the tiller illiterate: a tiller is a machine that has big cogs that have dull teeth that rotate the dirt up. It is heavy and awkward have two little back wheels to balance the monster teeth apon. Not easy to master, it's like plowing a field. Instead with a machine smaller than a lawn mower that'a easier to pull than push.
When I started making the new plot it kept dying on me. It wouldn't start at all. I'd go and get the neighbors I burrowed the tiller from and show them how it didn't work. And they would make it work. As soon as they were gone it wouldn't work again. I'd try to get it started for 15 minutes. I'd get frustrated and take a break. Come back. Try to start it. It wouldn't start. Take a break. Come back, wouldn't start. Marched off to neighbors. They made it start. As soon as they left it died. Needless to say it was a daunting task not to throw up my hands and say f*ck it all. However, I have this inner drive that's relentless. It won't shut up. Sometimes, it gives me no peace.
Some time between singing for the 85th anniversary for the All Souls Church and celebrating Earth Day I'm gonna have to till again. This time throw in some manure. We have some established plants that need to be replanted out there, and there are lots of little seedlings sprouting.
I'll need to get some plants that like shade, too.
For the spare garden.

Tonight, I wrote a poem

I'm as tired as all get out. My house is a jungle gym of cats or so it would seem since none of the three let me sleep last night. Bastards. I spent some time at a coffee house tonight and got to lay down and clear what was in my head.

Past Masses

My feelings
can still be hurt.
I can still over-react
to imagined slights
against me.
I would like
to outgrow this.
Move beyond that
which holds me back.
How many ways
can I describe my imperfections, yet
I've been told & I believe
we are humans,
perfectly imperfect.
Actions speak louder
than words and
this is easier said
than done.
How wide is my scope?
How deep is my breath?
How long does it
take for me to
sort out
useless complications?
To let the past
ease its way in to
the disappearing landscape.
There's to much
commotion in my head
to concentrate
on simple truth.
This is a test,
this is only a test.
Who's stronger now?
Me, my peacock self.
I like myself
more than I did
back then.

Enjoying the ride

So... I've gotten a lot of action lately. Action in the fun sexual sense. Which has been quite enjoyable and greatly appreciated. I'm not attached to any, and that's been rewarding. I've probably jinxed this lucky streak by telling the world about it but it has been unexpected and out of the blue. I don't think I'm hotter or sexier or cuter or whatever than I have been but I've been noticed a lot more lately and maybe it is me.
I looked over my past blogs to look and maybe be able to gauge the evolution to now and perchance this is can be attributed to my attitude towards life. I've been through a lot, in life, and mapped out on this blog. I've been rolling through life lessons really fast and I'm breaking new ground every day and I'm not gonna slow down for relationships that are illusionary.
I'll enjoy the moment and move on when it's done. Ultimately it seems their baggage weighs them down and they have to stop and catch a breather on the side of the road, but I can't wait, I've gotta keep pressing forward. Ya gotta keep up with this girl. :)

Watcha watcha watcha want?

This weekend was full of beautiful people I don't get to see very often and it was delightful. I did merchandise for my friend's band, Jacob Fred Jazz Odyssey. I got myself dolled up and sold a lot. My mojo was a workin.' I even had drinks bought for me. Many peeps from my tribe of friends were out and a lot of them came up to me and were like "I didn't even recognize you!" and I don't really know why... maybe it's the hair. I don't think I'm that different but old friends seem like they are completely blown away when they see me and my reaction is... okay. I believe I will take these reactions like a compliment for surely that is their intention. There was this sweet cute guy who bought me a drink but then later he didn't even come back and talk to me. Oh well...
During the concert this old hook up came to the table with his girl, and when he looked me in the eye he wanted to nonverbally communicate with me. "You've sat on my face" is what his eyes said as he smirked at me, and would his girl be friendly with me anymore if she knew the truth? And maybe she does hell it was in an between time for them I guess when he took me back to his place that one night. He likes to remind me every time I see him about what happened between us with his little smirk and how his eyes sparkle with his little secret.
And then this other guy who wanted to come out with me later was acting all weird and uncomfortable like he wanted to crawl out of his skin and why come and want to spend time with me if you are gonna be miserable the whole time, well, his loss. I still had fun eating sushi and watching my friend act like a drunken fool, which by the way, Matt Leland is incredibly good at.
This was only a snapshot in to my weekend. More later.

Feisty

I was a tiger in the cage. Pacing back and forth behind the bars, I've been wanting and willing and waiting... I imagine my sleeky muscular femme feline self slinking on soft big pads and then all of the sudden the bars dissolved and I pounced.
I have no regrets.
I'd been wanting to do that for a long time.
And I feel much better.
Now I can stretch out lazily in the sun.

I sleep with earplugs in.

Ticca, the temporary cat, has teamed up with Alfonzo turd kitty to become double trouble. I try to catch Alfie to stick the booger outside but it was a fruitless endeavor so I resorted to sticking earplugs in my ear so I could sleep. It works, but a little buggy. At least I don't have to hear them destroy my house I can wait to witness the knocked over plants come morning.

Poem: Far away in my castle turrent

I know you are thinking of me.
I can feel it in the air
I breathe
In the thoughts in my
head you come visiting
And I'm not concerned
I like what I have
I'm tired of looking
for something beyond me.
You'll hate the discovery
I'm dettached
but I haven't found
what I'm looking for.
It's like that thing
you know you're forgetting
& you don't realize what
it is till it's too late
& then what do you do?
Deal with it I suppose,
I guess, that's what
I've been doing.
Maybe you will find me again in
passing, in
searching, in
a moment
unnamed &
undiscovered.
The windows are open
the door is closed
you can't come in
you can't come in.

Cheer Monster

Alright, missy, I'll be happy when I damn well PLEASE thank you very much!
Spiritually speaking I'm on edge right now, not taking big strides cause I keep running in to things. I want to spend more time at home and at the same time, there are people that I'm missing. That I crave for company.
Can I have both? Something says yes and something says no. Go figure.

The tables have turned for turd kitty Alfonzo. Now it is he who gives the "Die Worm" look to Brutus.

Temporary Mama

My big sis is demanding happier blogs. I don't blame her. I miss my smile.
My house has expanded to 4 pets. I am watching over a friend's pets while she lives in Hawaii for 6 months. I am surrogate mom to Ticca, another tabby cat, and Brutus a peppy Chihuahua. I'm officially a cat lady. This has seemed to go a lot smoother than other introductions to other animals so I think everyone might co-exist quite lovingly. And playfully.
Finally Alfonzo will have other backs to jump on besides Symphony Squirrelly's. Although I have seen her play with him more she still hisses at him a lot and when she looks at him she squints her eyes as if to say: "Die worm."

I have discovered that I have a severally weakened immune system and I have had to curtail my social life. I pick one night to go out now a week. It's kind of a bummer having to be grounded but at least I have 4 pets to keep me company. I think I'm officially a cat lady.

And if that wasn't enough...

My Grandma passed away today.
The one I could tell everything to, the one I was closest to.
The one who like my hair better when it was blue.
Who agreed with my politics,
we both wondered where the money was for our nation's education.
I couldn't wait for the spring
when she was going to show me how to plant a garden.

I've heard all the cliches... God never giving you more than you could handle and all that crap... it's no much help at the moment.

Beyond our mortal coil

Today I found out I lost a friend.
His name is Brett and having diabetes at such an early age means that they don't expect you to have a long life but it never means you can really prepare for it. Death comes when it comes and if it is your time to meet your maker you will. It is much better to rejoice a friend's passing because they get to leave this mortal coil and move on to who knows what we can only dream about.

That idea is still not stopping the tears streaming down my face right now. It is not stopping me wishing we could of hung out one more time and shared our secrets and laughs just like old times.
It is not stopping me thinking I should have called more often to shake him out of his shell.
His last home didn't fit him... 80s decor of forest green and burgundy and furniture with patterns on it. His roommate wasn't that styling a homosexual (some of them do have bad taste). I wanted to take him out of his environment and make him hang out in mine, he never got to see my house, or my piano. Or my kitties.
We went to school together, we worked together, we lived together, we grew together, and for that latter I am most thankful for.
So I guess all that's left.
For me is to give thanks and praise.
Not many have touched my heart like my baby Brett. So brilliant, he was in honors courses in college and had a masters in theatre. You couldn't keep your eyes off of him when he was on stage, he compelled you to be absorbed in his every word. He directed my one woman show, and helped me be completely truthful in my moments. He was teaching theatre at the local community college and planned to go back to school. He loved to learn. He was buddhist. Strove for a peace in his soul, and now I hope he's achieved it. There are I'm sure so many of us who got to be a part of Brett's life, we are all better for his presence.
And all the more lonely in his absence.

Drunk girls aside...

My pining for something that doesn't serve me
or someone who isn't captured by my beauty
doesn't last very long. I gave up being miserable about shit like that a while back, my whole belief about making the most out of my moments kicks in and I look back and shake my head. I never claimed to not be silly, romantic, or sentimental. Sometimes it leaks out before I can grab a hold of it. I'm still deciding whether or not to hide my drunken outpouring of emotion. Not really out of fear of being seen, more out of misinterpretation or misunderstanding.
Meanwhile,
I am building an army. I would like to put out some
short films to local festivals and I think it would be
very easily done, but I need to find dedicated soldiers.
Especially in the line of camera and editing. I've
got actors up to my ears but finding those magical
mystical masters that hide out behind the lens,
that's the tough part.

I may be a little drunk right now but...

I am a spirit warrior!
I wait for no man.
Keep up.
That's what I say.
Can you hang?
Prove it.
You haven't so far.
Oh, I wait. I watch and
I wait
and I accept
and I love
and I cry
and I move on
and I beg for something
I little more tangent
than this reality
I'm living.
Something I can touch
with my own hands
something
where I can feel
the nerve endings
pulse.
Where I can feel
both our hearts
thump.
This vivid imagination
of mine
tells me it is real
it IS tangible
but
there hasn't been
anything
yet
to prove me right.
So I watch
and I wait
and I'm disappointed
and I'm curious
if my path
lies lonely
except for my cats
who are always glad
to see me
put food in their dish.
And I wish
for days
filled
with long good byes
and soft lovers' sighs
and contented bliss.
I'm left
to wonder.
Wonder aimlessly
wonder without a clue
wonder what this could possibly all mean?
What is the Divine plan being played out here
and really, is there any plan at all?
I've been told we all planned this.
We all
made agreements
and pacts
and planned
what lessons
we would take this time
together.
It's a nice thought, but please
I don't want to suffer
the outcome of your choice.
Step out of my reality
and in to someone else's...
I really don't like
to be caught up
in the fictious stature
I have made
for me.
I die watching
some else
caress your face
wanting it to be me
plain unhealthy
for a silly girl
who can't even walk straight.

my year starts here

I thought my New Year's was fabulous and special, I had someone who wanted to share my life with me. And it WAS a wonderful time, don't get me wrong, I couldn't have asked for a better date, but all that "our year" talk ended up being just talk. The cookie crumbled just like cookies do.
Metaphors aside, my birthday party ended up being my real new year. We had a little Dance Party USA kicking for a while, my friends would make me killer cocktails (pomegranate martinis, weee!) I had my house filled with wonderful people who wanted to celebrate and be merry with me. My cake was fabulous. It was a throw down hang loose good times party.
Completely surrounded by loved ones I was filled with gratitude toward the beauty of life, thank God. One of my presents was some handrolled incense made at one of my guru's ashram (my friends know me well), inside was a piece of paper that had written on it some soul food. It would be my honor to share with you:
-All things, animate and inanimate, respond positively to attention.
-Strength attracts. Energy accomplishes.
-Wastage of any kind leads to scarcity-- the thing we waste avoids us.
-Sympathy for those with ill-will or jealousy toward us brings untold trouble.
-Fear attracts the object of fear.
-Expectation postpones results until the excitement subsides.
-Our attitudes and our opinions act like self fulfilling prophesies.
-Gratitude in our hearts for the good we receive is the best way to attract more.
-When we encounter an external obstacle in life, we can look within ourselves and discover an oppurtunity for inner growth.

Yea for my new year! Age is irrelevant if you want it to be. I say this because there are a lot of people out there who felt they had to make some comment about my age when I told them about my birthday. I don't get the point. "Ewww that's old! You're almost 30!" Shit like that. My response to that is this: I'm going to enjoy my birthday every year I get to have because I enjoy being alive. Period. Keep you're age grumblings to yourself I say, you are as young as you want to be.

tomorrow is me bday

Yip yip yipee and all that good stuff! So life moves on and I should have posted a while back that I'm doing okay and not sitting in a pool of sadness all Precious Moment eyed. I am continually blessed by the Universe, but I've got this fear monster that hangs out with me sometimes and makes me forget that. I'm sure you understand.
Things are returning to "normal." I have a little crush, nothing to serious, I act like a goober when I talk to him and I trip on things when I make eye contact. I'm not very interested in pursuing anything at the moment, though. Not after what I went through. Before ex-ie I was open as can be, but currently I don't want to connect to another person in that way. Which is just fine and dandy with me.
I was feeling all sad about how things went down between him and I last week and that night I had a beautiful dream that started with him and ended up with crystals and a music circle. Sweet. It was rather vivid and intricate and I don't really want to get in to it at the moment. To sum up it was full of so many wonderful omens, relating to my friends, personal rebirth, and I believe my general state of being. It helped me realize that yes, all is right in my world and I have everything I need. Activation. I have to be active in my pursuits.
With such a lovely reminder of how wonderful and loving my friends are I thought what better way to celebrate their wonderfulness than to throw myself a birthday party! Yea! I'm taking a break from preparing my house to be partied in, I've made hummus and bought plastic cups and have lots of ice so hopefully it will work out great. I invited all the happy people I know so it should be a hum dinger. Even if it is lame I bought this fun game called Apples to Apples that I will force people to play if I get bored. I also have a cake I might decorate later on tonight but I would have to go out to get food coloring, and I just don't know if I'm up for that.
I was out all day getting supplies and that's the one thing I missed.
It's like Bob Marley said, "Every little thing, is gonna be alright."

I might be losing it in a very subtle way

Perhaps I am a glutton for punishment, perhaps I want to smile and hold hands with all the peeps in my world... this is proving to be difficult.
I'm still being fooled by ex-boy. He apologized for everything, in very explicit ways, which was good. I felt progress was made.
He made a whole new round of promises, only to take them back the day after. Just lovely, the emotional jerking won't stop. I don't want to accept this, I don't want to be wrong about us being able to be on better grounds. It's really weird for me to not be on good terms with exes. Okay, okay, there's that one that wanted to end our connection completely but on hindsight maybe the yearly Christmas songs I sung on his answering machine were annoying.
I can feel myself closing off. To alot.
I thought I was deserving. I've been waiting to be rewarded for all the good work I have put out in to the Universe. I can't shake this intense desire to share my life with someone. Don't get me wrong, working on my internal self is fabulous, but I'VE BEEN DOING IT A LONG TIME. I'm ready to partner up, have some joint life lessons. I think it would be so much fun, the good the bad all of it I want to experience it. I felt so ready...
Then I end up with such awful things. A guy who for all intents and purposes doesn't treat me the way I want to be treated. I don't feel like putting myself out to the Universe anymore, with the shitty returns I get. And yet that desire doesn't go away, and it's creating this horrible emotional pull back and forth feels kinda like a taffy machine making taffy, this way then this way then back this way...
I don't know if this is unresolved feelings... feelings of inadequacy... probably a combination of many things, a dangerous combination that is challenging my mental health.
The best I can do is work on putting positive in to every day. Even though I'm reluctant and don't see much point. I've had glimmers of a beautiful world being attainable, but even though it's really bright and beautiful today I feel really dark inside.

A written down conversation with my friend Jason

I was going through reorganizing my papers of writing again. This, by the way, is a task I don't think I'll ever quite finish but I tackle the piles once and a while, and sometimes... I actually throw some papers away. Woohoo!
Going through an old spiral notebook I found this wonderful conversation me and my friend Jason wrote back and forth to each other in a noisy bar one night.

Jason- What if creativity includes destruction and is that scary?
Me- Through destruction and chaos comes the new without being bound to the old. Like the
god Shiva... the god of destruction and creation.
J- But the destruction. How do you create when pain is caused from it? Is the joy worth the
pain? or should we simply be at peace and- just be?
M- We have to go through the pain, breathe in to it and through it to release it. You can't
ignore it. Bury it and it will still be there. You have to pull the pain out, examine it.
See where it's coming from, let it go. The cobwebs must be cleared to realize your full
potential.
J- How, then, do you create a new world? The pain seems abundant. Perhaps by- well, I don't
know. It's only personal commitments and paths that I see to take. Writing this means that
I'm limiting these thoughts to words on a page. So it seems that they destroy what is seen
as creativity. Or is this process both? And now these words are meaningless.
M- Words destroy creativity?
I watched Farenheit 9/11 and it rocked me to my core. Very terrible things are happening
in this world we co-created and it only feeds me with a stronger sense of purpose to create a
world more peaceful and CREATE HEAVEN on earth, because as it stands we live in hell.
Globally but most times individually.
J- This means world destruction to me.
M- We may very well see a judgement day, but in the end I think it is self-judgement that
destroys us.
J- And this is cool. But how to create a path towards peace with as little fluctuation or pain?
M- You shouldn't fear pain. That is a tough question, because at this point we are in a fragile
atmosphere. The economy is weak, the deficit is great, a horrible war... A great change in
balance could rock the world. And that is something that worries me, the fragility of our
environment, but it gives me resolve to strengthen myself more.
J- Do you ever feel like people can read your mind?
M- No, usually I'm busy reading everyone else's.
J- Yeah, I thought so!

I don't want to get in to it

My boyfriend moved out. Which has ended up being a good thing because I was starting to lose what I hold most dear, drum roll please... me. And the moment! I was losing the moment because I wanted to be far away from it.

He made a good call deciding to move out. I supported him in his decision.
What else would a good girlfriend do?

Now I'm not trying to slander the experience with my sarcasm, just toss in a humorous twist on things because these past few days I haven't been laughing much. I missed it. That's one of the things I like to do most.
He left yesterday and was gone by the time I got off work.
He left a stereo. My consellation prize for his cruelty and scorn and disappointment.
You, oh you whose eyes cross these words, I did my best to love him.
He made that difficult to do so, over-compensated for his general lack of substance and absence of integrity. That last sentence might be a bit uncalled for, but he said some pretty cruel things. There goes my human condition, the need for retaliation. I wish him well.
Oh, he wanted me to be hateful like he was. Wanted me to make him sleep on the floor. Kick him out of the house when he had no where to go to.
I'm not that kind of girl.
Now, if I had come home from work and he was still there, I would have packed his shit up myself and done the drive to land him somewhere else cause I had enough of the emotional rollercoaster, and I wanted off. He made me cry, then told me I was depressed. He said he cared, but I really don't think he ever did. He didn't act like it, just said a lot of you're beautifuls which for some of our time together made me feel really good. Actions speak louder than words.

Moving on.

People are asking me how are things going and I have fess up the truth and say "It didn't work out." There are a plethora of ways I can break it down to exactly how and why it didn't work out, but stating it simply works best.
I also tell them I would do it all over again.
In a heartbeat.
I have no regrets, I'm glad I took a risk and let someone in. I'm willing to love. I am willing to set a course for a love adventure even when the sea looks a little rough.
The fact that I'm willing to do so makes me feel good.

Tomorrow blessings will unfold

Well, it did happen again. And again and again and...
I could keep going with this for quite some time.
New Year's I was given more than I could ever ask for.
Tomorrow, my love worries, could make or break us. I haven't found anyone else worthy enough to share my life with and really don't feel like looking for anyone else. Truth be told. Me and my love, we work. We fit. Circumstances have us in different states. It could be a week that separates us... or a year.

My God is the God of plenty,
and I know receive all that I desire
require
and more.

I am thankful for my blessings, for they are plenty.
I am thankful for my gifts, because I can share them.

I'm focusing on the posititive and my faith and my hope
for my own sanity.