Call me a plow, I'm pushing on through

A lot has happened. A lot more to come. I dreamed the other night I killed someone with an axe. A beautiful latino girl, and it left me miserable. It was the kind of dream I woke up so thankful it wasn't "real." Not "real" but somewhere in my subconscious I'm out for blood. At this moment, I'm shaking and quivering from my FREEZING house but until I write the words my brain will be held in grid lock, unable to sleep. Oh, the long long day in store for tomorrow. My patience has been warn thin by the actions of others. I've had to deal with some pretty passive aggressive behavior this week and I was working hard at not reacting and being the better person but I have reached my limit.
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
why are you like me
most of all?
That grievance pales in comparison to this:
HE WAS HOLDING HER HAND. He held her hand like he should of held mine. After all we went through and how well he knows me, he didn't give me the heads up but let me find out by physically putting it in my face. I want everything I ever wrote him back. He was the only one I ever wrote love letters to. He doesn't deserve to lay an eye on them ever again. He is not worthy. One of my closest girlfriends did her best to calm me down, but the slight has been made, my pride has been smudged. "If you take back that you are taking back love from the Universe," she told me, "have grace, treat him with grace."
I acknowledge this truth, but I am so sick of this. All my relationships have run ashore, every single one. None have ever been sea worthy. I'm sick of being disappointed by men. I deserve more. My heart has been squeezed like a boob in a mammagram.
Yeah, I'm better off, thanks very fucking much. Love to hear it.

And there is no crying in baseball. The night that I saw a woman lose her life over the money in the cash register, I learned a powerful thing. I had no idea what strength lay buried dead inside. I learned without a shadow of a doubt what I'm capable of. No one can ever take that knowledge from me, I was there, I was my own witness.
I will not break, I will bend in the wind. That's what trees have taught me.
I have no time to mourn a relationship lost I never fully had, but I do feel it's blow. I do feel all the blows. I feel battered and used but I can do nothing but move forward. I have a will that will live beyond me. Even when I don't want to, I'm propelled forward.
I would, however, like a timeout, but it ain't gonna happen.
Bend, don't break.