I might be losing it in a very subtle way

Perhaps I am a glutton for punishment, perhaps I want to smile and hold hands with all the peeps in my world... this is proving to be difficult.
I'm still being fooled by ex-boy. He apologized for everything, in very explicit ways, which was good. I felt progress was made.
He made a whole new round of promises, only to take them back the day after. Just lovely, the emotional jerking won't stop. I don't want to accept this, I don't want to be wrong about us being able to be on better grounds. It's really weird for me to not be on good terms with exes. Okay, okay, there's that one that wanted to end our connection completely but on hindsight maybe the yearly Christmas songs I sung on his answering machine were annoying.
I can feel myself closing off. To alot.
I thought I was deserving. I've been waiting to be rewarded for all the good work I have put out in to the Universe. I can't shake this intense desire to share my life with someone. Don't get me wrong, working on my internal self is fabulous, but I'VE BEEN DOING IT A LONG TIME. I'm ready to partner up, have some joint life lessons. I think it would be so much fun, the good the bad all of it I want to experience it. I felt so ready...
Then I end up with such awful things. A guy who for all intents and purposes doesn't treat me the way I want to be treated. I don't feel like putting myself out to the Universe anymore, with the shitty returns I get. And yet that desire doesn't go away, and it's creating this horrible emotional pull back and forth feels kinda like a taffy machine making taffy, this way then this way then back this way...
I don't know if this is unresolved feelings... feelings of inadequacy... probably a combination of many things, a dangerous combination that is challenging my mental health.
The best I can do is work on putting positive in to every day. Even though I'm reluctant and don't see much point. I've had glimmers of a beautiful world being attainable, but even though it's really bright and beautiful today I feel really dark inside.