So we can do better next time.

I want there to be a next time.
So I made it happen.

Down to one

Well, it's just me again. Lost both the boys that I was contemplating in my mind. I've never had a relationship that had any real longevity. This one was the longest run at 3 months. Of course I'm sad about it. I miss my pilot already.
I can not help but think that there is something wrong with me. That there's something repulsive about me that I'm not seeing, so I get paranoid. Paranoid about being ugly. Physically, mentally, or emotionally. I keep rolling around all three: it's not that one, but it could be this one.. it's not that one... maybe this one. I even doubt that I'm a good person, my mother doesn't seem to think so, but then she never did like my sunshine.
Oh, just give me that person who thinks my sunshine is sexy! Come ON, I'm ready for it! It doesn't seem to be ready for me.
I've enjoyed my own company before, I can do it again. I got used to the other person's presence, though. I don't hear about his day anymore. I don't know what he's thinking. He's not checking in on me anymore, obviously he wants distance.
Oh, I could slap myself around by trying to figure out just what I did wrong, but this doesn't serve me.
I try to remain strong and not call, but today I itch to chat. I miss that. The chit chat.
To banter with someone I know very well is soothing.

Couple Club

Well, as it turns out, I'm not the one with the mountain of fears. My pilot is fearful of commitment between us, doesn't know if he wants it, but doesn't want to break up. Just be open to date other people. Okay. I can roll with that. I won't sit and wallow with him. I understand he doesn't know what he wants, but I do. I've already called someone to be my date for my work's Christmas Party. Well, not really called just sent an e-mail.
How was Austin?
A blast. I got to do improv while I was there thanks to my other Austin boy, which by the way the wedding is off... sometimes it's easier to be more honest when you are further away than when you are right next to a person. Wish that wasn't the case but I have to factor in the human condition.
I played improv games that I never played before, an exciting challenge, and ultimately lead to me downfall, I was eliminated on a rap/rhyme game, but I made it to the top 6, pretty good for someone who had no clue of what she was doing. I also got to go hiking and shopping and listen to beautiful live music.
I had fun hanging out with my pilot and I got to be a part of that club that has always been ellusive for me: the couple club. You hold hands in public, you show each other affection, and everyone knows who looks at you two that you are enjoying sharing togetherness. I spread that love to all whose presence I was in, I wanted everyone around me to feel that warmth.
However, couple club was fleeting. The last 24 hours was emotional hell. The beauty I got to share was ripped away by a cold shoulder. Not something I'm used to with my pilot, I'm used to him being very loving and affectionate toward me. Boy the distance he threw up between us hurt, he said he wanted in deeper, I let him in deeper, and he went cold. Poor boy had to witness an emotional breakdown on the way to the airport. Guys are rarely good at knowing what to do when that happens. I had been overloaded by the amount of stuff he squeezed in to my last day, we were late going to the airport, add in the emotional jerking he gave me, and I lost it. Cried and sobbed between laughing at myself for being so worked up, in the end, you just have to let it out or it gets stuffed back down to fester. I'm okay that he had to witness it, usually not the thing I like to share, but he was the one that drove me to it.
Now? I'm back home, and this rough patch, I don't really know if were gonna make it though, he's depressed in a general sort of way, which is what that wallowing was I mentioned earlier. That can cloud a lot for a person, I know I've been there. I can't really demand so much attention when he can't see very far beyond his own cloud. I do my best to be active in my life, it's kind of a waste of a very precious gift not to enjoy it if you ask me. We'll see, if it's meant to be, then it will be.

I leave at dawn

Before the first light hits I will be stealing away to a place I've never been.
These past few days have left me frustrated with my own fears. I thought some of them have been addressed but that doesn't necessarily mean worked through. Apparently, I don't know, I'm discovering things as I go. I get to go above the clouds tomorrow. I will enjoy the luxury.

I cast away the burden of doubt, and now go free to be loving, harmonious, and happy.

It's the yams that I love.

Not many people my age has both sets of grandparents still intact. I think the balance lies with the fact my father has shed his mortal coil. But actually, that's more of an imbalance than anything, not many things can replace a parent. Especially the one I got along with. To put it lightly, my mother and I have a dysfunctional relationship, I choose not to bore you with the details.
I spent Thanksgiving with my maternal grandparents. They chose not to go to the city to be with the rest of the fam, grandpa is recovering from having a stomach anurism (sp?) the size of a football removed. I haven't seen him since he had the surgery, I wanted to be with him. It was justr the three of us. We watched TV, grandma cooked amazing grandma food, and grandpa told me what to play in my solitaire games. I told him it kind of defeats the idea of solitaire if someone is telling what move to make, but luckily that didn't stop him. I secretly like it when he picks on me. Normally I don't like people teasing me, I'm terribly sensitive, but there's something about the way he does it that screams love. Everytime he came in from the cold he put his freezing hands on my neck. Ornery cuss. I love him to pieces. Grandma too. I can tell her anything, she has no judgement and she agrees with my opinions about the state of the world, which is refreshing. Most family members get agitated when I get political, but Grandma and I have these great conversations. She is paying attention to the state of affairs too. I can see that I will age like her. I don't mind at all.

guilty pleasure

Today I was thinking that perhaps I started writing this blog with the hope I will get caught. Caught expressing my true feelings I haven't the ovaries to say.
"Oh, however did you find that out?"
"I read your blog."
"What, what? I don't have a blog."
"Yes, you do. I looked up your name and Little Land of Me popped up."
"That's not me."
"Yes it is."
"No it's not."
"You're talking about our situation on your blog. I know so because I'm in it."
"You have no proof!"
"You bet your hot pink face I don't have proof! Look me in the eyes!"
"Oh, I dropped my lint! Let me just grab that real quick..."
"You can't! You can't even look me in the eye!"
He'll grab me by the wrists and throw me to the bed, "Look me in the eye and tell me you didn't write that blog!" I'll toss my head back and forth as I struggle to escape, his gaze boaring in to my head the whole time I writhe. After discovering no possible escape I collapse spent against his force.
"Yes," I'll heave, "it...is...my...blog."

Stay still

A hard thing for me to do. I miss on-the-road boy and when I talk to him I behave like a total goober. I wouldn't want to talk to me either. I was weird and sounded like a parrot, repeating myself obnoxiously and at the time unconsciously. I was horribly distant. When I got off the phone I realized I had forgotten things I wanted to ask and when I went to call him back he wouldn't answer. I don't blame him. I've been told by one friend that my dorkiness was appealing. One of my charms.
I find that laughable.
A repeating pattern of mine is to chase chase chase boys down til they finally say "Look, it's not gonna work out." Of course not, I'm beating them over the head with my neediness.
I have made a choice to change that here recently. To stay still and allow for that great Higher Being that has guided my life with infinite wisdom to bring to me what was mine. Have faith I am deserving of great joy and patience to see it though. Concentrate on how I could best serve humanity. A goal of mine is to raise the level of consciousness and the awareness vibration of the entire planet, help end our fixation on material wealth. Not the easiest task I've set for myself. No need to get caught up in silly mind/heart games. No need to go on hunts or expeditions. I'll leave that to my cat.
There are two current beaus that have a warm little place in my heart. As I'm coming to find out this for some people is completely normal and called dating.
I haven't dated much.
See previous points about being awkward and dorky.
I bloomed in to my beauty late, or really, realized it way late in the game that I do, in fact, possess Divine Feminine Beauty. Within these past two years I've begun to cultivate it more than I ever have before. I'm baffled by this drive to be girly. Denton, one of my chosen friend/protectors for life, says "You're becoming a woman," I will grudgingly admit he may be right. I AM fine tuning the art of accessorizing, I'm all about stripes this winter, but I digress.

Beau number 2 is coincidently from the same home town as on-the-road boy. I'm not so sure about this one but he I have carte blanche to make drunken phone calls, even when I behave like an ass, and likes my company all the way around. That's right. My reason for going to Austin is revealed. I am curious as to what the Universe is trying to tell me about this place. Needs must I see with my own eyes why my heart has two connections to this place they love to call home.
As I write this blog, it is revealed to me that I'm not exactly staying still. But honestly, I'm not going for anyone in particular but myself, I am going straight to the heart of the matter to figure out the why and wherefore. I'm not chasing a person this time, but a place. We'll just have to see how this serves me. It could very well be a part of the chase pattern, set up against a different backdrop. I wish my curiousity was a easier to handle, but it burns oh baby it BURNS.

Austin or bust

I get to go explore a new city. I hear I won't want to leave. I have a feeling this may be true.
Live music capitol of the world. I hope I can find an open mic night to sing at, but maybe I'm supposed to go to get inspired.

Representing Clients

I believe I need to return my focus inward. I've been doing lots of favors for friends, but little for me. I want to paint. I want to write. There are projects I want to finish. And I'm not. This blog is an attempt to start the uncorking of my brain. Which has been quietly festering, I would like it to not explode like a volcano rather ooze like primordial slime. But I don't even know if primodial slime oozes so I would say I want it to ooze like toothpaste. Slow and steady, that's how I want my writing to come to me, but when first uncorked the writing comes in spurts. Squirts. Blurts on a page. Or a blog.
Did you know I had a dog?
He is a good dog. Although he is not with me still I wish to believe he is out there still. Waiting for a chance to break free, waiting for the moment they leave the gate open. But he is a good dog, he would stay. We adored each other. He allowed me to train him very well, and he listened well. He minded, even when he didn't want to. I miss him a lot, he was my best friend. Some people don't know what it is like to be a companion with a dog, to be bonded like a pack-mate. Cats are way different, I know I have two. They are more inclined for you to serve them. I love them for being cats but it's not like having a dog. Dogs are there to serve you, share with you, are more group mind conscious.
I enjoy group mind conscious, that's why I enjoy good improv. Long form, that is.
I digress, he disappeared from my front door March 22nd, 2005. If you see him, tell him I miss him and can't wait to see him again.

I'm running errands today and I'm leaving the grocery store and the security guy smiles and says "You're dressed like it's cold."
"It is."
It is really windy and chilly today, usually when this happens I wear a hat and scarf, I like being warm.
This is his attempt at humor I'm sure, but I'm not buying it.
I'm not perfect. I want happiness. I lose patience.

Future wedding still on

There are people out there like me.
I said, "I'll marry you."

He said, "Okay, but I've some stuff to do first, it might be a few years."
I replied: "Me too, there are some things I need to accomplish first."

Sometimes I look at it and it seems like such a strange agreement, but it doesn't feel strange or weird.

We don't live in the same city. He travels. I hadn't seen him in over a year, and he came to my city on business, stayed in my casa with his business associates/best friends. The four musketeers landed in my home. I love company, I love to host, to take care of people, to serve them, see their clothes strewn about my house. They made themselves right at home.
I took joy in that, I'm told few people do, I think that's a shame, I love to share.

It was hard to mac on my mac daddy while also surrounded by his peers. I could feel them all watching out of the corner of their eyes. Protective and curious.
He wants to wear a red punk rock wig at the wedding. I told him not if my Grandma and Grandpa are still alive, they like to be conservative and traditional. This of course is not going to impede me from being barefoot under a tree, outside with daisies in my hair. Everything else is negotiable beyond that except red punk wigs. How am I gonna keep a straight face exchanging my vows to a bright red punk wig?

He's an atheist.
I have a guru, a teacher I look to to show me how to better love and serve all.
He believes love is based of desire and wants. The want to be wanted, to procreate, etc.
I know unconditional love.
He believes we have one shot and one shot only to do a good job, I have been around the spiritual block a few times.
I believe he hasn't experienced Divine Intervention in his life, and I have. I didn't know God til that moment, so I understand his skeptism. His natural intuition blows me away, I can't believe he can't feel God working through him in this way, but whateva. I have my own lessons to learn this and he has his. He's still gonna have to meet my guru.