Couple Club

Well, as it turns out, I'm not the one with the mountain of fears. My pilot is fearful of commitment between us, doesn't know if he wants it, but doesn't want to break up. Just be open to date other people. Okay. I can roll with that. I won't sit and wallow with him. I understand he doesn't know what he wants, but I do. I've already called someone to be my date for my work's Christmas Party. Well, not really called just sent an e-mail.
How was Austin?
A blast. I got to do improv while I was there thanks to my other Austin boy, which by the way the wedding is off... sometimes it's easier to be more honest when you are further away than when you are right next to a person. Wish that wasn't the case but I have to factor in the human condition.
I played improv games that I never played before, an exciting challenge, and ultimately lead to me downfall, I was eliminated on a rap/rhyme game, but I made it to the top 6, pretty good for someone who had no clue of what she was doing. I also got to go hiking and shopping and listen to beautiful live music.
I had fun hanging out with my pilot and I got to be a part of that club that has always been ellusive for me: the couple club. You hold hands in public, you show each other affection, and everyone knows who looks at you two that you are enjoying sharing togetherness. I spread that love to all whose presence I was in, I wanted everyone around me to feel that warmth.
However, couple club was fleeting. The last 24 hours was emotional hell. The beauty I got to share was ripped away by a cold shoulder. Not something I'm used to with my pilot, I'm used to him being very loving and affectionate toward me. Boy the distance he threw up between us hurt, he said he wanted in deeper, I let him in deeper, and he went cold. Poor boy had to witness an emotional breakdown on the way to the airport. Guys are rarely good at knowing what to do when that happens. I had been overloaded by the amount of stuff he squeezed in to my last day, we were late going to the airport, add in the emotional jerking he gave me, and I lost it. Cried and sobbed between laughing at myself for being so worked up, in the end, you just have to let it out or it gets stuffed back down to fester. I'm okay that he had to witness it, usually not the thing I like to share, but he was the one that drove me to it.
Now? I'm back home, and this rough patch, I don't really know if were gonna make it though, he's depressed in a general sort of way, which is what that wallowing was I mentioned earlier. That can cloud a lot for a person, I know I've been there. I can't really demand so much attention when he can't see very far beyond his own cloud. I do my best to be active in my life, it's kind of a waste of a very precious gift not to enjoy it if you ask me. We'll see, if it's meant to be, then it will be.