Stay still

A hard thing for me to do. I miss on-the-road boy and when I talk to him I behave like a total goober. I wouldn't want to talk to me either. I was weird and sounded like a parrot, repeating myself obnoxiously and at the time unconsciously. I was horribly distant. When I got off the phone I realized I had forgotten things I wanted to ask and when I went to call him back he wouldn't answer. I don't blame him. I've been told by one friend that my dorkiness was appealing. One of my charms.
I find that laughable.
A repeating pattern of mine is to chase chase chase boys down til they finally say "Look, it's not gonna work out." Of course not, I'm beating them over the head with my neediness.
I have made a choice to change that here recently. To stay still and allow for that great Higher Being that has guided my life with infinite wisdom to bring to me what was mine. Have faith I am deserving of great joy and patience to see it though. Concentrate on how I could best serve humanity. A goal of mine is to raise the level of consciousness and the awareness vibration of the entire planet, help end our fixation on material wealth. Not the easiest task I've set for myself. No need to get caught up in silly mind/heart games. No need to go on hunts or expeditions. I'll leave that to my cat.
There are two current beaus that have a warm little place in my heart. As I'm coming to find out this for some people is completely normal and called dating.
I haven't dated much.
See previous points about being awkward and dorky.
I bloomed in to my beauty late, or really, realized it way late in the game that I do, in fact, possess Divine Feminine Beauty. Within these past two years I've begun to cultivate it more than I ever have before. I'm baffled by this drive to be girly. Denton, one of my chosen friend/protectors for life, says "You're becoming a woman," I will grudgingly admit he may be right. I AM fine tuning the art of accessorizing, I'm all about stripes this winter, but I digress.

Beau number 2 is coincidently from the same home town as on-the-road boy. I'm not so sure about this one but he I have carte blanche to make drunken phone calls, even when I behave like an ass, and likes my company all the way around. That's right. My reason for going to Austin is revealed. I am curious as to what the Universe is trying to tell me about this place. Needs must I see with my own eyes why my heart has two connections to this place they love to call home.
As I write this blog, it is revealed to me that I'm not exactly staying still. But honestly, I'm not going for anyone in particular but myself, I am going straight to the heart of the matter to figure out the why and wherefore. I'm not chasing a person this time, but a place. We'll just have to see how this serves me. It could very well be a part of the chase pattern, set up against a different backdrop. I wish my curiousity was a easier to handle, but it burns oh baby it BURNS.