Going blonde!

Mwahaha!!! It will be a process, a summer project, if you will. The lightening has begun. To all those who didn't like my hair can give up little whoops of joy. Mom, William, did you honestly think I'd keep my hair like that forever? That I wouldn't get sick of the maintenance?

And this is a terrible sidenote, please forgive, but shit comes up you let it out:

Do you know that was the biggest kicker out of William and I's relationship? The beef that he had about me with the way that I was, were the SAME THINGS my Mom has issues with. Is that funny, or what? HA! ha. huh. Talk about mental and emotional rape. So, anonymous writer, THAT is why I lost my backbone. When he was going off I could hear my mother harmonizing her compliants with him in my head. A double whammy, cause it seemed that mom was right about all those horrible things she said, with him they came true.

Irony is a friend of mine.

On a brighter note (no, not my hair!) I got to say exactly what I wanted to Mr. No-Talkie.

When I addressed all his issues he had, he started backpedaling on showing his emotional investment to the past. "I don't really think about "all 'dat." I again called him on the bullshit. "Obviously you do or you wouldn't have brought it all up."

I got to say what I always wanted to say! Not everyone gets to have that opportunity, so I guess I'm pretty lucky.

And this burlesque show is going to kill me. Next time, we are getting more help. But I'm going to post a pic, to remind myself why it is going to be a killer show.

Wonders Never Cease

Ok, so maybe just maybe I can get some healing done with one of the loves of my life. Mr. I-never-want-to-speak-to-you-again has started dialogue. I am thankful, cause finally. Let's heal from the this. It is IN THE PAST for fucks sake. I don't know how successful I will be with getting on decent ground with this guy. I addressed each one of his grievances individually, we'll just have to wait and see.
Ewww, but I have a bad girl reputation in some circles! Wooo hoo!!! It's true! Let me indulge in this for an instant, because Jesus Christ, you know me. Scandalous? Please, I'm a teddy bear. I set bugs I find in my house free outside.
The coffee table! The blessed coffee table incident has been branded across my skin. Hester Pryne, I feel ya, girl. 7 years ago, I slept with the wrong man. Damaged me emotionally for a long time, cause I knew he wasn't right. I KNEW IT. But I didn't want to BELIEVE it.
And cause I didn't walk my truth then, I am still suffering the repercussions. Not from myself anymore, but from those I affected. I didn't ever think or realize I wielded that kind of sway. But I am being presented with this as fact. Again and again. I don't see myself very well, and in that statement there are SOOOOO many layers attached.
I really was clueless. I mean, what self-respecting girl would have put up with being refered to as a drunken mistake? And that was after the first time. Did he mean that? Not really, but he didn't want to show weakness to his friends. Totally understandable, with a healthy slice of sarcasm.
Different time, different Katrina.

I don't think I have to wear this scarlet table on my chest all the time, just when I go to Kansas City. And only if I run in to the right (or wrong, I'll leave it to you) people.

Walk Away.

The art of a cold shoulder.
So smooth and glassy.
There is not a hold
to grab on to, it is too
wide to put your fingers,
hands, or body around.
I have an image in my mind:
the automatic vacuum cleaner
that moves about the room,
a machine the size of a medium pizza,
3 inches thick. It goes around the
room
bumping in
to walls.
When it bumps in to
something it will turn around
and go a completely
different way.
I find myself
identifying
with this machine.

Yesterday I got a facial.
It was grounding, I traveled
to a magical wonderland
where I could let the thoughts
that came up slide right by.
It was a calm place where
letting go
was easy to do.
It is hard to get to
but when you
are there...

When it was over I got to
enjoy that for 10 minutes
before the phone was off
and running. My thoughts
were lined up
half way around the block,
impatiently waiting
for their turn.

Driven

When I have set my sights on a goal, do not get in my path. I'd akin it to something like a bull in a China shop, or the incredible hulk: roaring my power to the heavens. Or maybe like King Kong, I can rip through my chains, crushing my opponents... sometimes even my goals.
Ha.
I was telling my friend Casey how she had to be the strong, cause she is a powerful force and if we want to produce a good show, she has to pull double her wait, because she can. She broke down crying: "I'm sick of being the strong one! I want someone to hold MY hand. I want someone who will help me pull the wait, I want someone who is there to back me up." My reaction was to laugh.
Now, now. It wasn't because I laugh at other people's suffering, I laughed because those same words have fallen from my mouth.

We both dream of lovers who will hold us close, stand with us toe to toe. Love us for our whole selves, not just for our parts.
We are products of a spoiled generation. Where parents broke their backs to provide for us and didn't whisper a word about it to us. Divorce is rampant. A product of a throw away society who has little understanding of the impact their actions can make. We can always take a break during commercial, right? Flip the channel? Strength of character and integrity are definitely underplayed. Life isn't always about getting what you want, but making sacrifices and compromises to get what you need out of life. Sometimes the tunnel will be long and dark but in the end there is always a light.

That's what this burning hope I have tells me. Deep down inside.

Ow.

Today started with my ass being served to me on a yoga platter. Seriously.
I'm up early. I decide I want to work out, but I like to keep switching things up so I don't get bored. Why not a little body mind connection to balance out my exercise regime.
As I look the Yoga Room's schedule up on line, the first was already started. So, the next one was a flow yoga class. It could be lead by either Tom or Nicole. They switch off. Tom is very relaxing teacher, very calming. I've heard stories about Nicole. She is all about the challenge. I had a 50/50 chance.
These stories held truth. Cute little yogi butted Nicole worked us over hard. Some of those poses were mindbending, she helped position me in poses I didn't think I was that capable of.
I am in pain now. The kind of pain that will last 2 days. Maybe 3.
It is good that I did it. I now know I can't skip out on the strength training, cause sweat was pouring off of me. Every time we did forward bend I would hold my shirt to my face to absorb all the sweat pouring off me. Those people out there who think that yoga isn't quality exercise, has never met Nicole. She would probably make their ass a 12 course meal. I wouldn't have been able to survive that class if I hadn't studied under a teacher for over a year. I probably would have done much better if I had continued my study.
The tub and epsom salts are calling me.

Happy Monday.