I Miss You

My heart
is seized, lover.
When will you come around?
I have a hard time not
journeying to you;
you are what I want.
I feel a lack
as the daily grind
is boring and informal
where you are sacred.

Choices

I made love to you
last night.
I poured passion
through each touch,
and yours
rose to greet me.
It was two wellsprings
spilling in to
each other.
It was splendid.
A hot morning
seemed to take away
some of it,
all the thick kisses
and depth.
Yet, I have thought
it was gone before-
but when we greeted
I was surprised
at how greedily
our eyes danced with desire;
how instantly I wanted
to touch you.
I forgot all uncomfort
and fell in
to a happy reunion
filled with bliss.
I am befuddled
by words unspoken.
More than anything,
I am befuddled
by my behavior,
which is unpredictable
even to me
but maybe not...
I did come prepared
for anything.

Thank you, Blog friend

I retreat to you, blog of my hearts. I've kinda cheated on you, posting notes on facebook. When it is you I love the most. It is you who I can be more open an honest with, it is you where my anonymity reigns supreme... well, except for my sisters and mom. I don't know if they even check you anymore so maybe it's just us.
We've been though a lot together, you and I. I forget that sometimes but recently I've remembered. Hell, I've got like 4 lovers as friends on facebook and it isn't like I can say one thing to one of them without the other 3 knowing about it. I guess in some ways that's good as I temper what I say as to not stick my foot in my mouth. I do that on a frequent basis, the sticking the foot in mouth. Hell, it's not like any one of them want to be committal. Hell, I don't want to be committal, but how in the fuck then, have I ended up feeling as pissed off as I do being put on hold as one of them, get this: "is exploring other options."
Really? Really?
Have fun with that, Fuckface. That's what I really wanted to say. Unfortunately, I was a little more polite about it.

Life Lessons

A few months ago, a homeless guy in a quirky top hat set up shop @ the corner of Hollywood and La Brea. This is on my way to the gym. Every morning for a week, there he was sitting at the bus stop with a sign in tow, showing it fervently to all the cars that passed. This is not an terribly on common thing for a homeless person to pick a corner they like for whatever reason, and brandish a sign asking for a handout. When I briefly glanced at his sign, I read: "I HAVE NOTHING." I thought, "Yes, you do. You at least have a dirty grungy backpack you carry your things in." He obviously had something.
Something about him continued to grab my focus, he intrigued me in a way a couldn't completely grasp, but I kept up my guard for safety sake. I didn't feel there was anything I could really do for him. I don't carry money to the gym, though I did consider the thought of taking a couple of bucks with me for his troubles.One day, as I passed him, and he did what I feared he would do: engaged contact with me. He shook his sign at me.
"No one reads my sign!"
"Okay."
"No one READS my sign!"
"That's because it isn't true," I declared as I scurried on my way.
On the way back home, I chose to walk on the other side of the street, as one altercation with this man is plenty for one day. When I am across the street from him I read his sign. What it actually said was: GIVE ME NOTHING.

The truth of the matter is he was right: no one reads his sign. I made the assumption that he wanted a handout, I did not truly look at him. He was a bum and I did my best to ignore him.

I never got the chance to talk to him about his sign, or the lesson he gave me. I never saw him again. A dirty angel appeared in the City of Angels and passed out truths to anyone who would just read the sign- then just as quickly disappeared. It is in moment like these where I find the true beauty of life. It is in events like this where the truth is revealed to me in a finite state. It is unrefutable. It is brilliant. It is awing, and above all... humbling.

Count the Blessings

These past two days I woke up with bad thoughts. Thoughts of fear. Like: Hollywood is smack in the middle of Los Angeles, and if something happened, it would be hard to get out. I would be scrambling to escape with literally millions of people. I am a loser, what the F am I doing here, anyway?
Thoughts like these do not help me out AT ALL. A directed shift is necessary, and the action has to be initiated within me. These negative thoughts are rather useless for me to improve my state of being. Bad things happen everyday, if it is God's Will to take me out tomorrow, the Great Maker is going to do it whether I'm curled up in a bunker or screaming praises on a mountain top. The latter sounds more appealing to me, a much better reality to be taken out victoriously.
As for those loser comments, what the fuck? Even if I am by some other's standards these standards are not my own, and ultimately I have to answer to myself. So if I don't like myself, that's going to create some serious opposition for me to get ahead in anything that I want to do. I know you dig me.
So, this morning, for the second time in a row I awoke with nasty self deflating and deprecating thoughts on the brain. I actively grabbed my pen and journal and wrote out all the festering negative garbage in my mind. Then I wrote a list of all that I'm thankful and grateful for. I believe this needs to be done everyday. Months ago I walked around with this coin from Peru in my pocket, and everytime I touched it I thought of something I was grateful for. I've fallen out of that practice. Cause having daily little rituals like that, little prayer rituals, strengthens me. I think what happens is subconsciously there gets a point when I think: "I don't need to pray/meditiate today, I feel fine and besides, I did that yesterday- I can do it tomorrow."
Um, hello?
Now is the time, and the time is now. I'm only fooling myself, and with that little tool of knowledge I think I'll make a difference in my life.

New Nation

Some events have brightened my perspective in the past 24 hours.

I rode the subway yesterday next to an elderly Asian lady that smelled of mothballs. I assume she smelled that way to preserve her fur trim collar, but I digress. Across from us on our commute was this young female rocker complete with guitar in tow. She looked bummed, in a very cool rocker way. Little Rocker girl gets up to leave without taking the soda bottle she finished and Miss Mothball berated her, told made Little Rocker to take her trash with her. Little Rocker smiled sheepishly and did so.
For some reason this act of enforcing responsibility made me smile wide. I couldn't help myself.

My niece called me up to chat yesterday. This is the first time she has ever done so. She wanted to know what color my hair was, I told it was still blonde. She was a little disappointed. She would like it to be pink, and I am sorely tempted to oblige her. Because I adore her.

Today I am overwhelmed by the excitement seizing our nation for tomorrow's inauguration of the 44th President of the United States. The beauty of it is making me cry, this president is bringing great things. It isn't even a matter of what he will or won't do, good luck really, there is no quick fix to the current world financial crisis. It is what he stands for: a symbol of hope- a black man in charge in a country who's history is plagued with slavery, racism, and prejudice. There can be no denying this fact as the record number of people journey to the capitol to see this history be made. It is in the celebration that rang through out the world when he won the election. He has brought us hope, in our dark hour he brings integrity, he brings commitment to making a change. I'd like to be able to say I do the same thing.
I haven't really contemplated this new presidency until this morning, when I watched a news report of the people gathering in Washington, D.C. I haven't allowed myself to fully take in the magnitude of what this means for all of us, all human hearts beating around the world. Even when the elections were upon us, I didn't want to get my hopes up and be disappointed by our government once again. Finally in this moment, I must admit that I too am flooded with hope and joy for what is transpiring tomorrow.
I find it truly amazing.

Happy New Year

It feels like an ice pick is
being jabbed
in to my eyebrow,
but in case I forget
later I need to jot down
a few notes.
I'm getting rid of some old
so there can be room
for the new to step in.
I see how far I've
moved beyond myself,
and the quirks that
have stayed with.
I wonder how all those
pictures are going to
turn out.
It felt really cool
to by a bike pump
cause I need it.
And as my niece says
now too: "For reals."
The world has been
going by in a blur,
but moments of
the clarity, when
the air sparkles
with magic, have
been occuring
more frequently.
It's at a point
where, although
how hard I try,
I can not ignore it.
I'm enjoying
meeting some
amazing beings,
and connecting
with old ones.
I didn't

want to leave

my mother.

My tears welled up
when I made
eye contact
with my sister
one last time
before I turned
to leave.
I was reminded
about the depth
of true
unconditional love.
I must be a good
role model for my neice...
oh wait... I already am one.
I need to not forget that,
and always lead by example.
Sometimes the example
is sexy.
More often it is down right goofy.
Even better is when they are
the combination of both.

My head continues spin,
so I must away to beauty sleep,
a lazy day filled with pampering
and loving myself.

I am thankful and grateful for a
Happy New Year.