My mantra for today:

I thank God the giver, for God the gift.

Join me, if you want to. We can create such beautiful things.

The Reason Why

I don't give
my friends,
my family
massages cause
they can still
hurt
my hands.
I guess
I'm selfish
that way.
My gift has gotten
rusty yet I never
oil the hinges...
in the days to come
in the last moment
I will tell you
I have always loved you-
though I never could
express it right.
What it was,
was:
I didn't want
to open up
and face the pain.
I know
I'm selfish
that way.

Too much?

I think I need to quit one of my five jobs. It's getting really confusing. I was hired today at a massage place, and now something solid in my schedule has landed and I'm hesitate committing to shifts. I've stared at them for hours. Suddenly, I have solidity and I hesitate on taking it. GO ME. Today I was an extra on Deal or No Deal. Well, that game show can be QUITE intense. I found myself more in to it than I thought possible. Like good little pets we cheered when they told us too, boo when the banker said something rude to the contestant, and laughed when Howie said something mildly funny. We taped 5 episodes in one day. We all had to wear scarf and hats, because it was the "holiday" shows. So, when the time comes you can look for me in the audience. I actually have prime location sitting in front of the score board. I'm wearing what I call my "Russian Princess" faux fur cap, and enthusiastically clapping... cause that's what I was getting paid to do.

Draw time for bag design

Before I engage in my drawing endeavor today, just one of the many ways I make money, I will blog.
At the moment, I am in downtown Los Angeles looking out on a very grey overcast day. Across from me are buildings not in use, including the Alexandria Hotel. I look in on their empty floors and search for signs of life, but I find none.
My reality has shifted a lot in the past two weeks. In it I was a part of a beautiful wedding ceremony, I found out about a friend's rape, I got a chance to perform, another friend got roughed up by her boyfriend (ex, I should say), and I got to spend time with a lover who makes me feel good and I trust. A giant juggernuat of emotions came along with all these things. I was ready to get my nose to the grindstone back in LA.

At this point, a boyfriend would just get in the way.
I made this discovery when the statement fell out of my mouth in conversation. An old friend was asking me about my life and we came across the love subject. The last time she saw me I was dating a man going off to war. As I was updating her on the status of my love life and how dating has been in Los Angeles, I said, "I have had lovers here and there, but at this point..."
Someone then told me I was scandalous, "in the best sense of the word." Maybe a little, but really I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm a modern woman, not willing to suffer from illusions. I believe I'm a beautiful creature who deserves the best and doesn't settle for less.

Sacred Space

I imagine taking you
to see
the ocean.
I see us jumping in the waves,
absorbing the art for sale,
watching the crowd...
holding hands.
I don't stretch myself far
to hold you
cause I've got you.
I felt this
when I saw my bathrobe
sharing the back of the door
with yours.
Others may come
and go
they slip by
without a good purchase.
My things
breathe my essence,
offering my presence
as I am absent.
You anchor my being
and ground me
in love.

Your devotion

gives me sacred space.

In it

I can do no wrong

and the world

is at

my feet.

Time

will show us

our whole spectrum

from which we get to create.

I Don't Sleep Well

This morning I'm up
before I want to be.
Thoughts keep me
from peaceful rest.
It is not about me
yet it is
as a sit with information
I never wanted
access to.
I would die
a thousand times
to save you
from the wrath
the hell and the fury
that consumed you
in its' smoldering flame
but I am only here
to bare witness.
It is not my place to
sacrifice myself
it is you that was
forced to do it instead.
The least I can do
is help you carry
the burden, with
a willingness
that knows
no bounds.