One of my favorite qoutes:

"Huge trees are uprooted and buildings collapse in a cyclone, but no matter how strong a cyclone is, it cannot touch the grass. This is the greatness of humility." -Ammachi

City of Wrong

I got lost 6 times going to my interview, and I'm not even kidding. Then THEN they tried to make me think that giving a massage for 15 an hour was acceptable. So if I did 4 massages in a day I would make 60 bucks before taxes. Ha, double ha ha.
On the plus side I found fabulous deals at a huge Salvation Army store, and got 2 new outfits for under 10 bucks.

The Lord's Prayer

This morning I'm preparing for an interview. There are a lot of thoughts in my mind, which isn't unusual, but today I caught myself in some negative ones. To stop myself from continuing down that road, I recited the Lord's Prayer in my mind, to restore some healthy order.
In retrospect, I'm a little surprised, I have some mantra prayers I have lined up I use when my head goes to bad places. This morning, I went to the one that has been with me all these years. It was what I chanted when I was little: scared out of my wits, late at night, and I was dead sure a boogie monster was about to reach his hand up from underneath the bed.
Today, I still find comfort it.

In my room...

which has a lovely view... I've been working on making my next step. Since I've had no luck in figuring out what I want to do, I've been putting out feelers in every direction. I visited downtown Santa Rosa yesterday. I didn't connect to the place very much, it was kinda blah, but maybe that was the errand I tagged along for. I go to LA in 2 weekends to audition for the Groundlings school. My acceptance in to their program will be valid for a year. I applied for residency at a hot springs, that would be a treat. Some spa director called me from the Santa Rosa area, so I will probably interview with her, too. There is also Seattle. I'd be closer to my sister and a major burlesque hub. San Francisco is not as uptight as LA.
There is opportunity for growth everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

From My Heart

Life is too short to hold on to grudges, to harbor resentments, to let pains go unforgiven. Especially considering the current state of affairs, and the depression that is already apon us, it is extremely important to let those that mean so much to us in our hearts know that as truth. Pain is an illusion, that keeps us from the truth of love. Wise and powerful are those that can and do indure great pain but still be able to appreciate the beauty of life. My grandfather's spine is literally deteriorating in his body, but he always greets me with a smile. It is not healthy for us to hold on to negative emotions: anger, jealousy, resentment, etc. all have one root and that is fear. Over time, these feelings manifest physically in our body, when we bury them and hold on to them, we become diseased, break it down it is truly dis- ease. Take care of yourself, honor your emotions and feelings but don't let them block you from the simplicity of enjoying the world around you. Your mind is not as strong as your soul, but can be if you let it. It is merely a tool for you to use, it is not meant to be in control. Take a moment from your day to breathe in the beauty around you, be it in the first flowers of spring, or the cracks in the sidewalk. It is important for us to recognize the demon fear when it arises in us, and not succumb to it's lies. The world could wipe away in a heartbeat, impending doom is always apon us... if we let it. As we come on to struggling times... who knew? Things have gone south for an overpopulated planet, and to me, that means it is even more our responsibility to be stewards of love and it's inherent truth. It is up to us to be beacons and torchbearers, and light the way through the turmoil and the mire and muck and whatever else tries to block the path to the warm buttery grace of love. We have a great responsibility to our world, our family, our friends, our foes to be that better person inside us, to be there for each other, and to help one another get through the tough times ahead.

A warm caring hand is more valuable than a plasma screen could ever be.

Sincerely,
The Reverend Mad Hatter (with Rhinestones)

Where do we go from here?

What I need to do is rent the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and sing the shit out of the song that recites that lyric. This is more of the same blither blather I keep dishing out, stop reading if you have heard it all before. Coming up with a decision right now is as easy as me finding a loving lover. That could be taken wrong. I'm not saying I need to have a lover before I can make a decision, what I mean is it's impossible. Either one seems to be a thing that will never happen. With all this change going on in the world surely, I think, should these things shift too. Surely.

Factoring in economy.

Holy shit, right? They tried to calm us down years ago with: "We're not in a recession, look at the housing market! Look at it! It's so great! Nothing is going wrong! A subprime mortgage is a BRILLIANT idea! Everyone can afford a house!"
I called bullshit, and seems like no one listened. So I let out a big: "HA!" followed quickly by an "Oh, shit."
Great change is a foot.
Let's all stay on the positive end of this: "Sometimes you have to lose it all, before you truly know what you have," and that my friends, is a qoute from Carlton Pierson.

Healing turtles and other stuff

Candy the Turtle doesn't wheeze so much, nor does she foam at the mouth anymore. I think she is all better but another 9 shots await her. Capt. Bob is looking better too, his shell is not so moon crater like as it was when the trouble began.

I'm still indecisive. I ask everyone's opinion on where I should go. I get a lot of different answers. I'm not closer to a decision. It almost seems like the more people I ask, the more confused I get.

One of my good friend says: "It's a big decision to make. It's understandable you don't know what to do."

That makes me feel better, but not for long. :}

Ug.

I am
sofa king
we tar
dead.

Bags and Boxes

It is what my life is contained in
fitting in a corner
organized and diligent
ready to go
or
ready to set up shop
at the drop of a hat.
I feel elite in
my transience.

Ahem.

I feel a little taking advantage of at the moment. I don't quite now how to respond about it. My temper is ready to lash out, I'm trying to keep my cool. I think I already let some leak. :(
Giving details as to what I'm pissed about would only fuel this fire.
I come to my blog to calm me. This is safe and sacred ground. This is my land that I built with struggle and strife, joy and elation, my own sense of humor. This is as close I get to a home right now.

Tomorrow will be a new story.

March, huh? How about that March? March is historically a hard month for me. Ask any in my immediate family. This is the month in which:
1. My father passed away (sometimes I feel his hand on my shoulder)
2. So did my maternal grandmother (she is with me everytime I put on the her ring)
3. So did my college buddy Brett (too young, my God, I'm older now than when he died)
4. Sebastian my dog disappeared (I'm still waiting for him to come home)
5. I saw someone shot and killed in a bar (Still thankful I went through that)
This is a month where the pain of the past rolls around me, much like the mist I watch that slides around the mountains. Sometimes it passes through me, most times I watch it with fascination, like a car wreck you can't pull your eyes from.
I've lost everything I've put the most value in to. At this point, there is nothing you can put me through that would be worse than what and where I've already been.

I may be crying and bemoaning my state of affairs but I still put one foot in front of the other, just the same.

So, I guess what I'm saying is BRING IT. I may hide my strength from myself at times but I wouldn't have made it thus far without it.

This is my year,

and I'm claiming it. A little grace? I've got some, thanks.
I set out from Oklahoma on a journey, the world beckoned me to step out of my box. It was bigger than me, much bigger than Tulsa, the Universe said: "Go, here are some signs, now go!"

I don't know what the hell is going to happen by the end of this month. I can tell you this: I really enjoy being in the world right now. I've been scared at times, but on the whole I feel really good. I'm climbing steep hills on the physical, emotional, and spiritual. I'm enjoying the challenge, and I'm up for it.
I have options, and that is pleasing. I might jet on over to Hawaii. Just had this very interesting conversation today about the feasibility of doing just that. Too bad all my Hawaii-like clothes are in storage. I could work and get paid living on this organic farm on Maui. It has an outdoor kitchen?!? Wouldn't that be a trip? My question apon hearing that was:
"Is the weather really that nice to have an outdoor kitchen?"
The answer was a slow, drawn out, emphatic, "yes."
I've been lead to believe there is a local room available for rent. I wouldn't have to move far at all.

I've thought about a bigger city. I don't think I'm ready, I wanna be. But not really. I would like to see the spring that the mountains will bring and oh, what a sweet little rhyme.

Ever Shifting Landscape

Look at that world
out your window
as you drive
to where you're going.
Never is quite the same.
Change can happen so quick
you blink and before you
have time to even think
the whole world
has turned upside down
and you have
a whole new view
to contemplate.

Oh my F-ing God

The culprit for the poor state of the dear turtles was due to their living conditions. Which were, to put it mildly, DISGUSTING. I am having a hard time not passing judgement here. I took pictures to document. The smell of decaying matter I pulled out of the tank has made the whole house reek. I attacked the scum with gloves and a gallon of vinegar. Also, a dear dear friend who willingly pitched in, although neither of us knew what we were in for.

Bob has terrible shell rot. His shell rot looks like crater acne.
The lady turtle Candy has pneumonia and shell rot as well, though not as bad as Bob.
They are in tubs under heat lamps. They only get a couple of hours in the water a day. Candy must be given shots daily.

Somedays... I'm not so poetic nor philosophical.

Ganesh, my hero

Bah! So, today was a day of productivity, and amazing works of crazy upheaval...
So, I did a lot of self promotional things today. Gooooooo me! Went around town, posted a lot of flyers, gave a wicked massage. He was a good little reciever too, completely emptied his lungs and breathed in to the pain whenever I asked him to! SWEET. To tell the truth I was a little inflated by my job well done. I'm bad ass.

I found out the housing I found for my cats is not working out. The guy offered to crate them and have them sent. Doesn't seem that is going to work considering I don't have a home currently. This is very unsettling.

The turtles under my care are both sick. A nasty case of shell rot, the other seems to have a respiratory infection. I have to find them Vet care tomorrow, up in the mountains, on a Saturday.

My friends and I have been talking about working with clay. Today, I got to started making a little statue out of clay shaped like Ganesh, Destroyer of Obstacles. I think the timing is perfect.