Addendum

I'm kinda getting
sick and tired
of taking the blame
over crap ass
romances.
I know this may come
as a surprise and shock.
The evidence
of my greater good
is pretty telling:
I'm a treasure
among treasures.
Today this fella
delicately tried to tell me
if I lost more weight
than maybe I'd get
more of the attention
that I want.
I'm not sure
if that's the kind of attention
I'm after.
I'll be enjoying
my sexuality
over here, thank you.
What I was trying to tell the guy:
I'm pissed off at God
because I am sick and tired
of him/she/it
taking me down
dead end paths of love-
when love should be
and is in a constant state
of expansion and growth.
With this knowledge and presence
you'd think I'd get
a bone thrown my way
once in a while,
and I do it's just...
I want something
where I could be allowed to trust
and explore with a partner
who was willing to share
but nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I get nothing.
Glimpses, really.
Not like I should be focusing
much farther beyond myself
but this is myself
and these are my feelings
and there is legitimacy
inherent within.

Everything is in perfect time,
Everything in perfect time.
I wrote that,
even gave it a pretty little melody.
I'm supposed to believe it,
sometimes I do...
but there is no supportive
evidence of that
connected
with my love life.
Throws me off balance
this inconsistency
I'm getting from my one source
of consistency. "Here,"
my God says,
"Let me show you
the beauty of the world
I created, look at everything
you see. See it breathe
with my constant divine presence...
what are you looking at?
What's that you've got there?
Where'd you find that
romantic love?!
Put that down, put that back
where you found it
this instant. You get that
only when you've earned it."
And this is where
I glare defiantly back at
God's face and say,
"I have."

Eternal Contemplation

I have felt the pain of love,
I have felt the power of it.
I think I fail at it
when I try to squeeze
all of my love
in to one person.
I also think
I do this as
a test of strength;
can they handle
all that I've got?
Usually not,
as it turns out.
I've set the bar
pretty high.
Or should I say wall?

5th Moon: A Pilgrimage of Healing

Tour de Christopher is over. We had an amazing time of fun and frolic. It rained a lot during our weekend together but it was perfect just the same. Come rain and sunshine we'll always enjoy each other's company. We celebrated each others' art, and gave thanks and praise for our blessings.
I'm left blissful and peaceful.

Soap Box: Take One

Here's a fun topic of discussion: abortion. As fundamentalists seek to take away my rights to chose what I get to do with my body (might as well make plastic surgery illegal while at it and THEN see what happens), I get... well disgusted.
I believe it is a gross injustice to our planet to completely overlook the fact that it is overpopulated as it is. To ignore this as a fact speaks of an ignorant egocentricity that makes me uneasy for the future of the children that are already here on this planet. What about the children living in refugee camps in Africa without any parents? The ones that live in an orphanage in Brazil without any hope of adoption, nor a toy they can call their very own? The thousands apon thousands of babies with no mother or father: this is the real problem.
I agree with the point that life is a miracle, a blessing that I do not take for granted, but to attach religious agenda to our basic human rights is an injustice. These clumps of cells could eventually support that miracle of life, but at what cost? Another mouth to feed, when so many are already begging to be fed?
With our economy going down the shitter, Pro-lifers overlook the fact we have MUCH bigger problems on our hands than adding more strain on our government to support these unborn babies. When there is no more money to fund welfare, what then?
There are better things to put energy and focus in, to make this world a better place, than imposing their will on me and my sisters. That is the true crime being done.
I don't come to your house and force you to solve unfathomable mathmatic equations.

Accountability

No one wants to be held accountable for the actions if those actions created harm and not good. There is a general "What? Me? I didn't do that! He/she did it!" It's the blame game! Everybody plays it. I should write a song about it.

Reconciliation

It can happen.
I received a little today.
I'm working on a dish filled with forgiveness and compassion.
I hope the judges like it.

Coming on Strong

I show grace and poise,
but more often than not
I am rattling and shaking
the cage.
I would fling
them aside but
fear makes the bars
stronger than I.
I pace them
like a tiger
ready to pounce.
I'm a force of nature,
a wide channel of light-
I'd like to see you try
to control it.
In fact,
I'd prefer it if you did,
I'm having a hell of a time.

Valentine Offering

Well, I was a little miserable on Valentine's... getting happy texts on my cellie from random friends would piss me off. I scowled at red and pink; I hacked and snuffled with disdain. I went to the redwoods, they didn't ease my discontent as was my hope.
Then I remember the birthday present from my friend Toni. Toni had found an organic wine vineyard near me. She called them up and selected a bottle for me. It was on Valentine's I decided to go pick it up. Talk about an awesome birthday present! She sent me on an adventure with a prize at the end of it.
I don't know how to describe to you exactly how big wine country is out here... yeah, I see the vineyards as I pass them on the highway, but actually going up in to them and searching for a specific one was mind blowing. Mapquest is a freakin joke. Send me down REALLY REALLY wrong roads, which wasn't too terrible considering the landscape. When I called the vineyard they laughed heartily when I told them where mapquest had sent me, and got me pointed in the right direction. When I got there I recieved my wine from a trine of women who worked in the office. It was a Syrah from Frey's Vineyard, and a little baggie of fair trade dark chocolate. The chocolate disappeared before I got home.


Picking Battles

I lumber through
my tasks
like an ox
on a yoke.
I sigh heavily
against my fate.
I think God played unfairly
at a game I don't even
like to play I'm so bad at it.
God talked me in to it,
promised me it would be great
than laughed when
the trap was sprung.
Sitting in my confines
I got tired of
being on my best behavior.
Things were already a mess
before I showed up,
its' not like I ruined things.
Plus, there wasn't a reward
offered for being good.
A spoiled child needs
incentive- so used to
getting what we want
and what we think
we deserve.
Actually,
I spoil myself now
so honestly I'm
not looking for a reward
outside myself,
they lack luster.
Some would offer that
tricky God
was trying to protect me
from a worser fate,
and I say
fuck that shit.
God shouldn't play
so hard
on such a delicate instrument.
The whole damn thing
needs to be restrung.

Dread dread dread

I'm starting to get sick.
I'll probably be fully miserable by tomorrow, on multiple levels.
Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfect.

It was 30 years ago today

Ahhhh... today I soaked in the sun and enjoyed the beauty of the world. My hope is that you allow yourself the same luxury when opportunity strikes.

Goodbye, dear twenties!

As we spend our last day together, my twenties, let us enjoy the moment. What a great run we've had, huh? Look at how much we grew! Geez, at the beginning, when we met, you were a sad and depressed little girl who didn't know your worth. Now look at you! Really, you'll be fine without me, I know you can't see that too clearly, but I think you can handle things on your own now. I have faith in you.

As I journey to one of my favorite spots on the planet. I can't help but think of the past. On my 30th birthday it will be my 3rd time to visit. My first day there I let my heart be so open. It makes me sad that I feel the need to be on guard. But when I let myself be open, inevitably great heartache comes along with it. I don't know if it is really worth the trade off. The heartache seems for me to always last so much longer. It is work for me to get to that point of having my heart be wide, then months, years of preparation and healing goes down the drain when love enters the picture. Because love is called to my heart when it is that wide. I don't know what the resolution is to this, because I want my heart to be that open, but everytime I do it seems to jump out of my chest and run away.

Well, I enjoy life. I am very thankful, it is full of beautiful things that I see vividly. Despite the troubles with my heart, life and it's beauty is the thing that gets me through my day. I wish I could enjoy it to it's fullest, but with my desire to find love I always seem to miss out on enjoying the whole spectrum. I'll continue to work on that.

Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, thirties. Where ya been all my life?

Trine

Sadly, I did not have my camera last night, there were some amazing shots I missed. But very happily I sang harmony and had a fun boogie session. It was a black and red ball, so pretty much everybody was wearing those colors. Me and the other back up singer girls all had matching dresses, we all looking uber cute with hats on, I wore my big red sparkly earrings. It was amazing to see how many creative variations of that theme people came up with, wowzah. There are a lot of artists in this area, that's all I have to say.
A dear friend of mine was standing beside me at a concert once and said with an sweet peaceful smile on his face: "Look at all the different faces of God." Since then, everytime I'm in a large gathering of people I hear his words and my heart opens with the beauty of that truth.

I'm getting a massage today, yea birthday me.

Cause tomorrow I won't have time.

Soooo... I found these Valentine's Cards at the dollar store. I couldn't resist them, they were teenage mutant ninja turtles. They beckoned me to send them off randomly to friends. Made me feel good. I hope they do the same for those they encounter, I was laughing my ass off making them. They are just like the ones we had to fill out in elementary, but mine were never as cool as Rapheal wishing you a BONZAI! Valentines Day.

fyra. (<---"four" in Swedish)

And 5 5 5 for my lonely

3 days of fast completed! I happily came back with some raw foods and tomorrow is going to be a BIG DAY. Wish me luck!

Number 5 is ALIVE!

I awoke from another crazy ass dream, this time I received a package with a white fox inside it that bit me. Not very nice of a dream symbol to do.

Beating my drum

So day 7 came and you missed it. Sun was out so I took advantage of the view of forest around my neighborhood (I walked with some deer), went to work, and yes, I fasted. Today is more of the same.
I now know what my birthday plans are. My scare-oake buddy and I are going to my favorite hot springs on the eve, then on my birthday we'll go hiking. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
6 brings completion and solidity for me.
Woah... this fast is intensifying my awareness. I feel light, there is a lightness in my step when I walk. I have been feeling heavy and tired. It is a nice change.

Thank God for Sisters :)

My oldest sister swooped in to tell me that there was a meeting on counsel rock and it was decided that going camping with someone I barely know was not appropriate nor advisable. I told her not to worry, it has already been taken care of. I'm not stupid, just foolish. Yes, this is a fine line, but a line none the less.

I couldn't have agreed with her more, and had already notified the proper parties it wasn't going down that way. He took it rather gracefully. There is another hot springs that is closer to me, that has an ancient red wood groove down the road. It would be fun to have a buddy to go exploring, I want to share my adventure. The need to see the redwoods outweighs the need to play in the water.

I started a fast this evening. My goal is 3 days. I am preparing for entry in to my 30th year with a clean body.

Easy, Trigger.

My, my, my, how my tables have turned. So... there's that fella I met at the hotsprings on New Year's Day. Wants to go camping with me this weekend there. Offered to camp out even up til my birthday. At first, I was excited, we are talking about one of my favorite places on earth. I thought that it was a great idea-UNTIL I heard things like: "I'm glad you are turning 30, I have a rule I don't date anyone under that age."
The word DATE ricocheted around the inside of my skull. Anxiety raised her head from her pointless task of braiding worry knots with a "What? Is it my turn? Am I needed?" I tried to placate her with half truths but she is good friends with Intuition and their time together has rubbed off. I don't take those words lightly; boyfriend, girlfriend, dating, and lover hold great weight to me. I do not take them or their usage lightly. Maybe I should, it would make things a lot easier for me.
My friend Kimmie encouraged the connection so I could see how an older man will treat me, but I don't see how it could make much of a difference. They are all men. There is a small handful I truly feel comfortable with. Plus, I'm not feelin' it. Coming from my last experience, where I still contend that those moments I got to share were some of the best days of my life so far- it is hard to look beyond them. I still cry over my loss.
Here's were that opposite side of the table comes in:
I feel pressured by his expectations and I am now reconsidering what to do (for my birthday weekend). The roles were a little reversed from my last go round. Irony and Anxiety have taken up to playing a quite game of scrabble in the corner. They seem to be making up their own roles.

Friday I'm singing back up for Kimmie and we open for George Clinton & the PFunk. Somewhere called Red Way? I think it is north of us. That's a pretty cool way to kick off my bday experience: performing to about a 1000 people. I think that is a really thoughtful birthday gift the Universe came up with. Thank you.

8.

Capricorn Moon

I found out recently that according to my astrology chart, my sun sign, as we ALL should be very aware of right now (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), is in Aquarius, but my moon sign is in Capricorn. While the Sun Signs rule conscious behavior the Moon Signs rule the unconscious, hidden emotions and human desire. The Moon is also thought to rule instinct, the familiar, and where our deepest needs lie.
Well, never have I had it explained to me, and there it is.
It seems to explain some aspects about myself (keyword: seems):
11-10 Aquarius/Capricorn
"The combination of your Sun sign and your Moon sign produces a positive and authoritative personality; a very solid and practical individual with individualistic qualities. The Aquarius side of this nature brings originality and independence, but this is tempered by the conservatism, deep ambition and caution of Capricorn. Your calm persistence, deep determination and talent for cold calculation or prudent thinking assure sound judgment and realistic evaluation of conditions or situations. You know your course in life and you are not one to be diverted by emotional factors. Restless at times, you need to keep busy in your profession, business or public life. You have a powerful sense of responsibility and deep seriousness to your nature. Business responsibilities may be heavy. You have great inner sources that enhance your personality. This is a combination that shows the talent to cope with large enterprises and for handling large numbers of people. You have strong, deeply rooted convictions and ideals, and you conduct your business with a strict code of ethics. You are a natural executive with humanitarian leanings, as you combine friendliness and fair play with your strict business principles. You strive more for power and authority than for wealth and material success."

As to that last sentence... after all, I am a Reverend. I don't have the cautious part of Capricorn down, that is for shit sure. Lord, how I try. I was discussing relationships with one of my exes the other day, and he chided me: "Mad Hatter, you are always ready to jump right in." "I know," says I, "and I think that is one of those things I'm always going to have to deal with. I even tried to be more consciously cautious this time around and it still didn't work." I am a steam roller. Patience is always a struggle in my life. I get my sights set on anything and my determination comes in and takes over the whole operation. My determination when it comes to making things happen could knock over a mountain. Wish I could have some of that cold calculation, but only seems to occur when I am making leadership decisions.
It is strange paradigm but I take my sense of humor very seriously. I think I am very blessed that I can make people laugh {"Laughter is the sound of the soul waking up." -Hafiz}, and with very little true effort on my part. I think it is due to the fact that I studied laughter like a science. It is an art, which for me it is created mostly out of listening. Maybe I shouldn't have let you in on one of my secrets but there it is.

A countdown full of inner reflection...it's appropriate: 9.

Psssst!

My birthday is coming.

The countdown begins: 10.

Like-I-didn't-already-know Dream

I had a dream last night. Which may not be that special to you, but it is rare I remember. Sometimes I do go through periods of prolific crazy vivid dreams, but not lately. SO I was excited to work on the interpretating for the dream, researching the main symbols of the dream and so forth. What I came to learn was not a damn thing. Like I didn't already know the shit the dream laid out.
This is what I "learned":
-I like to connect to the world through my hands. I like to connect to the world period.
-I want to reveal more of my self but am not completely prepared to show others who I truly am
-I feel emotionally contaminated
-I feel humiliated and disgraced by love
-I am moving towards my goals at a slow and steady pace.

Tell me something I don't know, subconscious.