Discretion

I wonder if
you'll get caught
in your
actions. You
play your
obligations
as the fool.
I know your game,
so when I play it
I don't take it
to heart,
like I used to.
I watch you
leave and when
you come does
she know where
you've been?
I'm sure you've
taken pains
to cover your tracks.
But I know a woman's
heart,
for I have one,
there is a voice
inside telling her
that's something is amiss.
Her subconscious itches
with it.
But you'll tell her
what she wants to hear.
Her mind will attach to that
instead
and not what her body,
with all its wisdom of the universe,
is screaming at her.

What's mine is yours...

I got a visit from my oldest sister and her husband Mark. That was lots of fun, I'm glad they came down. Excellent dinner and good company, and the site seeing was phenomenal. ALL kinds of people hit the casino. All kinds.
In light that I have visited with both sisters in the past two weeks I noticed something I find a little funny. When I visited middle sister, she made a comment on my long legs, along the lines of: I didn't get the long legs like you did. Not like I've done much with them. She wished for something I have and she doesn't. As I visited with my older sister, my eyes map her lovely delicately boned hands, which I have secretly yearned for some time. I doubt I'll be getting a new bone structure any time soon. Two out of three tells me the odds are likely my big sis has similar longings.
We were all cut from the same cloth. It shouldn't matter which of us got what parts, the original fabric which we came from is beautiful any way it has been patterned.

I am officially...

BLONDE. With a slight twinge of pink. The remnants of the purple still clutching on. Pictures will show up as soon as I can get my grubby hands on a camera.
So today, started off with a crawl. I set up my hair appointment. I exercised for about 40 minutes, showered.
I lost key privledges to the theatre. Yes, it's true. That's where the day went. South. Fast. I took it very very personally. It isn't. It wasn't. It just is. Poor ego. It got hurt bad.
I worked.
I got my hair did.
I'm blonde.
Had to go to theatre, get a jacket I left there. Bruised ego smarted the whole time. If I did all the things that everyone wanted me to do, I would never get anything done.
Went home. Fed dogs. In truly bummed mood.
Put in a comedy show by Richard Pryor. Thank you, Netflix. I had barely started it when:
ring.
It is Kimmie! I've been trying to get a hold of her for a week. She is supposed to be coming to Tulsa soon. She asks me what I'm doing, I told her, and she asked if I wanted to go to dinner. Sweet surprise! She is here. We (including her mom) go to a new place we've never been. We enjoyed it. Good to see her sparkle.
Then we went to friend April's house, and hung out in her new house. Beautiful. Very.
Kim and her mom Kathy went to Ponca City; April and I went over to hang with this guy she is kinda seeing. He had been in a car accident. He had friends over.
D and J. Names are withheld to protect the innocent.
Which one was cuter? D. And he's the CEO of this filming company.
"Or really?" I say.
"Yes. " He says.
"We are working on a film this summer. Yes, our improv troupe SuperOVUM..."
J, his working cohort, preens like a peacock as soon as the interest has been shown on what they do. A long list of cool things they are doing and names start getting dropped left and right. It was an amusing spectacle.
I am TERRIBLY excited about the door of possiblity that just opened and try to keep it to a dull roar. I am chomping at the bit to wow these guys, but some of the zingers that are flying out of my mouth are landing flat. These guys don't even know what hit them. I rein it in a bit.
I delicately plant the seeds of my brilliance between J's soliloquy.
I am open and truthful. "I know jack about filming, we're just getting in to it. We've done stage and I think the way we hit the beats would transfer over to film..."
I ask if they take interns.
And, "Oh April, the burlesque girls and I are going to a VIP party Thursday night, would you like to join?"
And he says, "Burlesque?" He already has plans for us. We discuss them. I swim around in his deep rich eyes. Make little splashes.
I say, "Well, there's nothing left to do but exchange phone numbers."
He agrees.
April needs to go home. My carriage was turning in to a pumpkin. I bid the gentlemen adieu and Maggie the puppy to.
On the way we stop at QT, and there an angel from heaven lights up the night. He name is Cynthia and she used to be an OVUM.
A wonderful omen.
And the day landed beautifully, as will my golden locks when they hit the pillow.

Take Me Away

A body washed up

on the beach

while we were there.

It was like my own body

had been washed ashore

and I was watching

the whole scene

as if in a dream.

Long after

when I am in bed

I can still feel the waves of the ocean

rock me to and fro.

The aftermath of us feels the same.

You still haunt me.

And so does the mocking voice in my head:

You fool.

You fool.

You fool.

Sentimentality never gave me a damn thing.

It's not all over.

The world moves on

& takes me with it.

As much as the waves

bring death and destruction

they bring laughter and joy.

I know this

because I have seen the truth of it

on a young child's face.

They haven't learned to

hide the truth

like we have,

it shines from them like the sun.

I look forward to:

When my heart will stop racing.
Clarity of mind.
When I get to wish my sister happy birthday.
Seeing my niece, my other sister, and her husband.
Feeling sand between my toes.
Being fitted for my corset.
Hugging my mom.
Actualizing my dreams.
My visions realized.
Having my hand held.
Filming a movie.
A job well done.
A life fully lived.
A heart that is full with the battle scars still intact.
A joyful reunion.
A rump in Austin.
Works completed.
Tasks fulfilled.

Claiming my Own

Resignation.
Someone thinks I'm cute.
Someone is wanting love to
spark.
I was informed of
the matter yesterday,
it just complicates things.
There's not a chance
in hell.
I actually don't believe
in hell. Well, I do
but it is created in
the mind. People are
in hell walking down the streets.
They don't really wait for
the hereafter.

There is an intensity
in my eyes
that often gets misconstrued.
I don't fully understand it
myself
but it is there, piercing
even me when I look
in the mirror.
Romantic love is up
in my lighthouse,
there it is safe
from the casualty
of lust.

He will not find me
whole or complete.
He would
become attached to
my dettachment.

What a World

True, some witch said this as her dying cry as she melted in to a puddle, but I say it more filled with awe. And I would lie if I said I wasn't crying out as well.
Happy late fourth. This year's celebration was a little tainted for me.

I have become recently obsessed with a documentary made in the 70s called Wattstax. I got it as character and costume study for the show Eye Candy will do next spring, but I have become fascinated by it. It was a show Stax records did for LA. The ticket price was a dollar, all the artists on the label were in it, and Stax footed most of the bill. Proceeds from the tickets went to a charity. It was a thank you concert to their fans. This event took place after the Watts Riots, it was kind of an anniversary of the civil rights movement. At the beginning of the concert, a beautiful afro puffed lady sings the national anthem, and no one stands up. Thousands of black people remain in their seats, some with arms crossed. Most with pissed off looks on their faces. Why? Because it wasn't the land of the free for them. America had done them an injustice, and I don't blame them for sitting. They were speaking their minds. The documentary opened my eyes up a little wider about the land of the free. Which is a joke. Sure we get to have nice things. Nice pretty material possessions (which I myself am attached to) but I have yet to see true happiness come from these things. I have seen true happiness come from love, and love is synonymous with God.

To boot: a dear friend and co-worker was in the hospital. She was passed out from Sunday til Tuesday. The circumstances are nothing that I approve of, she got herself there with a drug overdose... kinda. She actually was in for water toxicity, which was in relation to the drugs.
She remembers none of it. She doesn't remember the snorting of the cocaine, she doesn't remember the massive amounts of water she was putting in her body. Crazy that you can overdose on water, but it is true. It can make the fluid around your brain swell, and that is what will kill you.
Today I got a venti soy latte. Which is funny, I was only parroting the person in front of me using the word "venti." Usually I just say "medium" because I don't feel any fancier using the "italian" word for it. I was a little surprised how big the sucker was, but while I was paying for it, the cute little Starbucks girl was asking questions, friendly like, "Did you have a good 4th?" In my mind I was saying "No, I spent most of it in hospital at my friend's bedside, you little wench, and since when did it become Starbucks policy to try to make small talk with me?!?"
Instead, I gave her a tight smile and said: "Yes." I think if I spoke the truth in that moment it would have gummed up the Starbucks machinery and made it uncomfortable for everyone around me. Even though it smarted I took one for the team.

And I saw Ammachi last weekend. It was an interesting visit with her. I didn't stay up til all hours, and in doing so I missed some amazing performances. The cute little girls that do the traditional indian dances, and also a choir of women from Austin who do Gregorian chants, and stuff like that. I was upstairs sleeping. I felt safe being around her, and although I missed these things the quality of my sleep was excellent. It was deep and very restful and much needed. The times I was around her was spent coming to peace in my heart. I had been trying to cut out something from my heart, but it was painful and felt unnatural. I found it much easier to come to acceptance and peace. Much easier to be compassionate then hold hate. I don't want to tear my heart apart, it has been though enough without my interference.

Spending time with Amma helped me handle the news of my friend in the hospital. I remained calm and patient and prayed. This weekend is an encore performance of Eye Candy. My life moves forward without any prompting. Sometimes I feel I have to catch up to my own life, like a commuter jumping on to the trolley as it begins to speed away.

Hmmm...

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
-Albert Einstein