Amma says:

Huge trees are uprooted and buildings collapse in a cyclone, but no matter how strong a cyclone is, it cannot touch the grass. This is the greatness of humility.

Hooray for OJ!

Today I am coming off my fast. I get to drink OJ today. Orange juice and water. Apparently this is preparing my digestive tract to once again receive food. Don't ask me, I'm just on the cleanse. Tomorrow evening I can have soup. Yea, soup! What I really am fantasizing about is some grilled talapia drizzled with a mango sauce. The thought gets me super excited. I probably won't be able to eat this til Sunday or Monday, but a girl can dream, can't she?
My thoughts about my fast:
Crucial, crucial time time to do it. I needed to force focus on myself, as I snatch at whispers of truth, trying to wring meaning out of the smallest gesture. I've experienced immense amounts of energy, I have also felt as slow as a sloth (I'm assured this is a sign of detox). I have been irritable, and with little patience (about day 6 I wanted it to be over). This fast has forced me to have patience, made me diligent and proved the strength of my will. With which, I believe, I could knock over an army. It has stripped away any chance to emotionally overeat. It has made me face some of my demons, and I shook my fists in their face. I looked my obstacles in the eye, and they blinked before I did.
Last night and today I've been focusing on being thankful. Giving thanks and praise is like bathing your soul in clouds.

Umm, maybe that sounds weird but it's really great I swear.

Hooray for OJ!

Hands and Feet

My maternal grandmother's hands were the same size as mine. I know this because the rings she gave me fit me perfectly. When I was massaging my paternal grandmother's feet recently I discovered I inherited her feet. Mine have the same shapes and curves that hers does, just a bigger model.
My ancestors are in my body. My grandmothers guide my actions and my steps... always. I can't escape them. Unless I mutilate my body. This knowledge has been gratifying and comforting: I feel them with me. I am not alone as I put on my shoes. When I put on lotion I am reminded of the residue left in the crevices of my Grandma's ring. When I stretch they connect me like the poles on the planet. I feel more secure in my waking life, knowing that their legacy is engraved in my body.

On the 7th day of fast

God said, "Let there be crap still in your bowels, although you haven't eaten in a week." I was really surprised at this. Yesterday I had made the decision that I would come off the fast if nothing came out after my morning "flush." There is still crap in my body, so I'm going to continue my detox. :( I miss food. But, I'm on the back half of the Cleanse. I've made it this far, I can go all the way.
People suffer worse. I think of the people in refugee camps and the jews in the concentration camps, had far less then what I'm living off of, and they survived. In my spoiled American lifestyle I don't think I'm making that great a sacrifice.
There are perks to this fast. Yesterday I put on a pair of jeans that have been uncomfortable to wear, and they are loose. I'm going to dig deeper in my closet and see how other things look. Now, I will gain half of the weight I lost back, but it is fun to see what I am capable of: physically and mentally.

Daffodils and Hearts

"Love has its own logic, love is its own reward." In one of my kundalini tapes, this is stated. I'm using it as my mantra prayer at the moment. It might be the only thing that sees me through. Here I sit. Wondering about the shape of my life when it is quite beautiful. Divine trust will make it stronger. I have always been a fool for love. I don't think this will ever change. It is something I like to do. If I could swim in a ocean of love I would for eternity. I'd never get out of the water. My friend Jessica says I am boy crazy. She is right. I think my family ws concerned that I was gay for a time. I do worship the feminine, our true power is yet to be fully unleashed, but I've always been infatuated with the males. Sometimes I am able to temper this attraction, I'm not always in the mood, but there are crests in my love ocean and sometimes I will get very high up on a wave.
I also think I like my father's approach. He didn't date around much until he found the lady of his heart. I will still be a love sick fool, but only the good ones get past the gates these days. The other ones I throw to the dogs. I learned a valuable lesson letting a dog come and live with me. The last bit of his presence is the stereo he left, which I consider my consellation prize.
My mother said to me, "I can't stand another rejection," refering to when I get dumped by boys. I was thrown of by this comment. Yes, surely in my youth, but as an adult I don't think I've bothered including my mother in my adult relationships. Usually I let her in long after it is past, to waylay her negative comments about what I'm really enjoying. However, I got the chance to flip the 60,000 dollar card and this was soothing to her... the only negative comment was the one stated earlier in the paragraph.
This road I'm on, I never expected it to be like this. I never realized this connection would ever resurface. I never thought I'd get the chance to make up for past mistakes I deeply regret. I never thought I'd see the tables turn, with William and I. I never though 10 years down the line I would pine for him like he did for me. I don't know where this road is leading, but my priorities need to remain focused. I'm here on this planet for a reason, I was given my gifts to use them, and this knowledge I can not abandon. I've tried to before, it doesn't work. They will keep me up at night. It is much easier for me to acknowledge these truths and implement action. With this man, I don't know what kind of action I should be implementing. We are so far away, and an even greater distance looms in our future. This is unfortunate. I want the chance of being able to date this man normally, but I myself am far from the norm so really what can I expect?
Yesterday, having no daffodils of my own, I stole some from the park. I will probably go steal some more. My favorite flower, the herald of my favorite season. I can lose myself in their sunny yellow, so I want them all over the house.

Master Cleanse

Yesterday I started a minimum 10 day fast. We'll see how it goes. Yesterday simple. Drink the lemonade cocktail when your hungry.