Tulips for me!

For my performance tonight I got tulips! My friend Celeste lovingly gave them to me, and it gives such a fabulous feeling to receive flowers. I had forgotten how it felt, it has been every so long. I see why my grandparents take each others' pictures next to the bouquets they receive. If you'd like to see the evidence I'd happily show you.
So sweet and so cute.
Yea, me!

Vivid dream

I dreamed my mother had moved in to a white farm house. She wasn't happy with her situation, maybe she had to move there, there was something about someone wanted money. A bill she couldn't pay, and I told her I'd help her out with it doing massages. We were in the kitchen and my oldest sister was there too. She said: "I don't like what's going on the the basement, or cellar, I want you to take a look at it." I was confused, if it was scary why would she want me to go down there? But she seemed confidant as she headed down the stairs so I followed. There was a children's play area in the center. She took me to a corner of the basement by the play area and pointed out the problem. The two coolest board games were there covered by a huge spider web with a big spider, and a plant was growing out of the center of the lid of the box. I looked around for other games to play instead. In the children's area and in the center of the room was a tall bookcase filled with other board games, books, and toys. They weren't as cool as the games under the spider and plant.
FLASH OUT OF THAT to working upstairs in the farm house on a male client. The carpet was cheap and thin and had stripes. It was a good massage, we were sharing pleasant conversation and then he snapped his arm up and grabbed my boob in a pinch hold. In the fashion I do when I work on people's arms I usually have to remind them to relax their arms. "Relax, relax, relax," I said. He wouldn't so as I said the words I dug my nails in to his hand deeper and deeper til he finally let go. I moved on and started working on his feet. He was weirded out by the experience and got up before I was done and left quickly. I had another client right after, and she was one I knew from work but she always goes to another massage therapist. She had luggage she needed help with but that last part was the only part I understood because she does need help with her emotional baggage. the rest of the dream has only droplets of symbolism my dream book interprets. The spider and the plant are good omen. The full bookcase is a prosperous sign. The significance of the board games, cheap thin carpet, and the fact that a male client flipped out more over his sexual advances than I did eludes me. It will uncover itself in time I suppose, much like my axe dream.
On another note, I got a speeding ticket yesterday. A bad one. I was going 33 in a school zone. OUCH. I have to go to COURT on the 4th of December. I will have to plead to the judge to take it easy. I'm normally very observant about speed zones, I believe the children are our future. However, yesterday I was more focused on the classical movement on the radio, the warm sun, and my thoughts.

Out of the worm hole

Well, that's over. Thank God. The weekend came and went. My car was fritzing out. There was terrible cattyness this weekend for Friday's performance: lots of shitty attitudes. Love of my life gone courting someone else. Terrible violent dreams.
Bioenergitic Workshop (releasing held emotions through movement, very cool stuff).
The car? Wires to the battery were loose and all that was needed was to tighten bolts! Thanks to a neighbor Rex it's running swell. Group meeting led cleared up communication channels and we came back stronger than ever for a killer Saturday show. I calmy had a conversation with the other woman. I could see him watching in my the corner of my eye, should have bitch slapped her, but I showed grace. Well, the explosion of ego Friday night showed me what the axe dream was all about. And the workshop helped me raise awareness of my body and the space around me. My space.
A night cap for the weekend was discussing our next project for SuperOVUM. We are doing a Project Runway parody. Yum.
Life. What a ride, huh?

Call me a plow, I'm pushing on through

A lot has happened. A lot more to come. I dreamed the other night I killed someone with an axe. A beautiful latino girl, and it left me miserable. It was the kind of dream I woke up so thankful it wasn't "real." Not "real" but somewhere in my subconscious I'm out for blood. At this moment, I'm shaking and quivering from my FREEZING house but until I write the words my brain will be held in grid lock, unable to sleep. Oh, the long long day in store for tomorrow. My patience has been warn thin by the actions of others. I've had to deal with some pretty passive aggressive behavior this week and I was working hard at not reacting and being the better person but I have reached my limit.
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
why are you like me
most of all?
That grievance pales in comparison to this:
HE WAS HOLDING HER HAND. He held her hand like he should of held mine. After all we went through and how well he knows me, he didn't give me the heads up but let me find out by physically putting it in my face. I want everything I ever wrote him back. He was the only one I ever wrote love letters to. He doesn't deserve to lay an eye on them ever again. He is not worthy. One of my closest girlfriends did her best to calm me down, but the slight has been made, my pride has been smudged. "If you take back that you are taking back love from the Universe," she told me, "have grace, treat him with grace."
I acknowledge this truth, but I am so sick of this. All my relationships have run ashore, every single one. None have ever been sea worthy. I'm sick of being disappointed by men. I deserve more. My heart has been squeezed like a boob in a mammagram.
Yeah, I'm better off, thanks very fucking much. Love to hear it.

And there is no crying in baseball. The night that I saw a woman lose her life over the money in the cash register, I learned a powerful thing. I had no idea what strength lay buried dead inside. I learned without a shadow of a doubt what I'm capable of. No one can ever take that knowledge from me, I was there, I was my own witness.
I will not break, I will bend in the wind. That's what trees have taught me.
I have no time to mourn a relationship lost I never fully had, but I do feel it's blow. I do feel all the blows. I feel battered and used but I can do nothing but move forward. I have a will that will live beyond me. Even when I don't want to, I'm propelled forward.
I would, however, like a timeout, but it ain't gonna happen.
Bend, don't break.