Drunk girls aside...

My pining for something that doesn't serve me
or someone who isn't captured by my beauty
doesn't last very long. I gave up being miserable about shit like that a while back, my whole belief about making the most out of my moments kicks in and I look back and shake my head. I never claimed to not be silly, romantic, or sentimental. Sometimes it leaks out before I can grab a hold of it. I'm still deciding whether or not to hide my drunken outpouring of emotion. Not really out of fear of being seen, more out of misinterpretation or misunderstanding.
Meanwhile,
I am building an army. I would like to put out some
short films to local festivals and I think it would be
very easily done, but I need to find dedicated soldiers.
Especially in the line of camera and editing. I've
got actors up to my ears but finding those magical
mystical masters that hide out behind the lens,
that's the tough part.

I may be a little drunk right now but...

I am a spirit warrior!
I wait for no man.
Keep up.
That's what I say.
Can you hang?
Prove it.
You haven't so far.
Oh, I wait. I watch and
I wait
and I accept
and I love
and I cry
and I move on
and I beg for something
I little more tangent
than this reality
I'm living.
Something I can touch
with my own hands
something
where I can feel
the nerve endings
pulse.
Where I can feel
both our hearts
thump.
This vivid imagination
of mine
tells me it is real
it IS tangible
but
there hasn't been
anything
yet
to prove me right.
So I watch
and I wait
and I'm disappointed
and I'm curious
if my path
lies lonely
except for my cats
who are always glad
to see me
put food in their dish.
And I wish
for days
filled
with long good byes
and soft lovers' sighs
and contented bliss.
I'm left
to wonder.
Wonder aimlessly
wonder without a clue
wonder what this could possibly all mean?
What is the Divine plan being played out here
and really, is there any plan at all?
I've been told we all planned this.
We all
made agreements
and pacts
and planned
what lessons
we would take this time
together.
It's a nice thought, but please
I don't want to suffer
the outcome of your choice.
Step out of my reality
and in to someone else's...
I really don't like
to be caught up
in the fictious stature
I have made
for me.
I die watching
some else
caress your face
wanting it to be me
plain unhealthy
for a silly girl
who can't even walk straight.

my year starts here

I thought my New Year's was fabulous and special, I had someone who wanted to share my life with me. And it WAS a wonderful time, don't get me wrong, I couldn't have asked for a better date, but all that "our year" talk ended up being just talk. The cookie crumbled just like cookies do.
Metaphors aside, my birthday party ended up being my real new year. We had a little Dance Party USA kicking for a while, my friends would make me killer cocktails (pomegranate martinis, weee!) I had my house filled with wonderful people who wanted to celebrate and be merry with me. My cake was fabulous. It was a throw down hang loose good times party.
Completely surrounded by loved ones I was filled with gratitude toward the beauty of life, thank God. One of my presents was some handrolled incense made at one of my guru's ashram (my friends know me well), inside was a piece of paper that had written on it some soul food. It would be my honor to share with you:
-All things, animate and inanimate, respond positively to attention.
-Strength attracts. Energy accomplishes.
-Wastage of any kind leads to scarcity-- the thing we waste avoids us.
-Sympathy for those with ill-will or jealousy toward us brings untold trouble.
-Fear attracts the object of fear.
-Expectation postpones results until the excitement subsides.
-Our attitudes and our opinions act like self fulfilling prophesies.
-Gratitude in our hearts for the good we receive is the best way to attract more.
-When we encounter an external obstacle in life, we can look within ourselves and discover an oppurtunity for inner growth.

Yea for my new year! Age is irrelevant if you want it to be. I say this because there are a lot of people out there who felt they had to make some comment about my age when I told them about my birthday. I don't get the point. "Ewww that's old! You're almost 30!" Shit like that. My response to that is this: I'm going to enjoy my birthday every year I get to have because I enjoy being alive. Period. Keep you're age grumblings to yourself I say, you are as young as you want to be.

tomorrow is me bday

Yip yip yipee and all that good stuff! So life moves on and I should have posted a while back that I'm doing okay and not sitting in a pool of sadness all Precious Moment eyed. I am continually blessed by the Universe, but I've got this fear monster that hangs out with me sometimes and makes me forget that. I'm sure you understand.
Things are returning to "normal." I have a little crush, nothing to serious, I act like a goober when I talk to him and I trip on things when I make eye contact. I'm not very interested in pursuing anything at the moment, though. Not after what I went through. Before ex-ie I was open as can be, but currently I don't want to connect to another person in that way. Which is just fine and dandy with me.
I was feeling all sad about how things went down between him and I last week and that night I had a beautiful dream that started with him and ended up with crystals and a music circle. Sweet. It was rather vivid and intricate and I don't really want to get in to it at the moment. To sum up it was full of so many wonderful omens, relating to my friends, personal rebirth, and I believe my general state of being. It helped me realize that yes, all is right in my world and I have everything I need. Activation. I have to be active in my pursuits.
With such a lovely reminder of how wonderful and loving my friends are I thought what better way to celebrate their wonderfulness than to throw myself a birthday party! Yea! I'm taking a break from preparing my house to be partied in, I've made hummus and bought plastic cups and have lots of ice so hopefully it will work out great. I invited all the happy people I know so it should be a hum dinger. Even if it is lame I bought this fun game called Apples to Apples that I will force people to play if I get bored. I also have a cake I might decorate later on tonight but I would have to go out to get food coloring, and I just don't know if I'm up for that.
I was out all day getting supplies and that's the one thing I missed.
It's like Bob Marley said, "Every little thing, is gonna be alright."