I might be losing it in a very subtle way

Perhaps I am a glutton for punishment, perhaps I want to smile and hold hands with all the peeps in my world... this is proving to be difficult.
I'm still being fooled by ex-boy. He apologized for everything, in very explicit ways, which was good. I felt progress was made.
He made a whole new round of promises, only to take them back the day after. Just lovely, the emotional jerking won't stop. I don't want to accept this, I don't want to be wrong about us being able to be on better grounds. It's really weird for me to not be on good terms with exes. Okay, okay, there's that one that wanted to end our connection completely but on hindsight maybe the yearly Christmas songs I sung on his answering machine were annoying.
I can feel myself closing off. To alot.
I thought I was deserving. I've been waiting to be rewarded for all the good work I have put out in to the Universe. I can't shake this intense desire to share my life with someone. Don't get me wrong, working on my internal self is fabulous, but I'VE BEEN DOING IT A LONG TIME. I'm ready to partner up, have some joint life lessons. I think it would be so much fun, the good the bad all of it I want to experience it. I felt so ready...
Then I end up with such awful things. A guy who for all intents and purposes doesn't treat me the way I want to be treated. I don't feel like putting myself out to the Universe anymore, with the shitty returns I get. And yet that desire doesn't go away, and it's creating this horrible emotional pull back and forth feels kinda like a taffy machine making taffy, this way then this way then back this way...
I don't know if this is unresolved feelings... feelings of inadequacy... probably a combination of many things, a dangerous combination that is challenging my mental health.
The best I can do is work on putting positive in to every day. Even though I'm reluctant and don't see much point. I've had glimmers of a beautiful world being attainable, but even though it's really bright and beautiful today I feel really dark inside.

A written down conversation with my friend Jason

I was going through reorganizing my papers of writing again. This, by the way, is a task I don't think I'll ever quite finish but I tackle the piles once and a while, and sometimes... I actually throw some papers away. Woohoo!
Going through an old spiral notebook I found this wonderful conversation me and my friend Jason wrote back and forth to each other in a noisy bar one night.

Jason- What if creativity includes destruction and is that scary?
Me- Through destruction and chaos comes the new without being bound to the old. Like the
god Shiva... the god of destruction and creation.
J- But the destruction. How do you create when pain is caused from it? Is the joy worth the
pain? or should we simply be at peace and- just be?
M- We have to go through the pain, breathe in to it and through it to release it. You can't
ignore it. Bury it and it will still be there. You have to pull the pain out, examine it.
See where it's coming from, let it go. The cobwebs must be cleared to realize your full
potential.
J- How, then, do you create a new world? The pain seems abundant. Perhaps by- well, I don't
know. It's only personal commitments and paths that I see to take. Writing this means that
I'm limiting these thoughts to words on a page. So it seems that they destroy what is seen
as creativity. Or is this process both? And now these words are meaningless.
M- Words destroy creativity?
I watched Farenheit 9/11 and it rocked me to my core. Very terrible things are happening
in this world we co-created and it only feeds me with a stronger sense of purpose to create a
world more peaceful and CREATE HEAVEN on earth, because as it stands we live in hell.
Globally but most times individually.
J- This means world destruction to me.
M- We may very well see a judgement day, but in the end I think it is self-judgement that
destroys us.
J- And this is cool. But how to create a path towards peace with as little fluctuation or pain?
M- You shouldn't fear pain. That is a tough question, because at this point we are in a fragile
atmosphere. The economy is weak, the deficit is great, a horrible war... A great change in
balance could rock the world. And that is something that worries me, the fragility of our
environment, but it gives me resolve to strengthen myself more.
J- Do you ever feel like people can read your mind?
M- No, usually I'm busy reading everyone else's.
J- Yeah, I thought so!

I don't want to get in to it

My boyfriend moved out. Which has ended up being a good thing because I was starting to lose what I hold most dear, drum roll please... me. And the moment! I was losing the moment because I wanted to be far away from it.

He made a good call deciding to move out. I supported him in his decision.
What else would a good girlfriend do?

Now I'm not trying to slander the experience with my sarcasm, just toss in a humorous twist on things because these past few days I haven't been laughing much. I missed it. That's one of the things I like to do most.
He left yesterday and was gone by the time I got off work.
He left a stereo. My consellation prize for his cruelty and scorn and disappointment.
You, oh you whose eyes cross these words, I did my best to love him.
He made that difficult to do so, over-compensated for his general lack of substance and absence of integrity. That last sentence might be a bit uncalled for, but he said some pretty cruel things. There goes my human condition, the need for retaliation. I wish him well.
Oh, he wanted me to be hateful like he was. Wanted me to make him sleep on the floor. Kick him out of the house when he had no where to go to.
I'm not that kind of girl.
Now, if I had come home from work and he was still there, I would have packed his shit up myself and done the drive to land him somewhere else cause I had enough of the emotional rollercoaster, and I wanted off. He made me cry, then told me I was depressed. He said he cared, but I really don't think he ever did. He didn't act like it, just said a lot of you're beautifuls which for some of our time together made me feel really good. Actions speak louder than words.

Moving on.

People are asking me how are things going and I have fess up the truth and say "It didn't work out." There are a plethora of ways I can break it down to exactly how and why it didn't work out, but stating it simply works best.
I also tell them I would do it all over again.
In a heartbeat.
I have no regrets, I'm glad I took a risk and let someone in. I'm willing to love. I am willing to set a course for a love adventure even when the sea looks a little rough.
The fact that I'm willing to do so makes me feel good.

Tomorrow blessings will unfold

Well, it did happen again. And again and again and...
I could keep going with this for quite some time.
New Year's I was given more than I could ever ask for.
Tomorrow, my love worries, could make or break us. I haven't found anyone else worthy enough to share my life with and really don't feel like looking for anyone else. Truth be told. Me and my love, we work. We fit. Circumstances have us in different states. It could be a week that separates us... or a year.

My God is the God of plenty,
and I know receive all that I desire
require
and more.

I am thankful for my blessings, for they are plenty.
I am thankful for my gifts, because I can share them.

I'm focusing on the posititive and my faith and my hope
for my own sanity.