Roses for Me

I give myself grace.
I give myself humility.
I give myself love.
I give myself forgiveness.
I give myself space.
I give myself all the time in the world.
I give myself beauty.
I give myself insight.
I give myself wisdom.
I give myself laughter.
Yet, it seems
I already have them.
Funny, I'd forgotten.

I give myself roses.
I deserve them.
They are white, and the edges
of the petals seem
dipped in red.

Panty Pick Me Up

I've heard this is also known as shopping therapy... but I have found nothing gives me warm fuzzies like a new pair of panties. Okay, getting new shoes makes ranks pretty high but a new pair of panties makes me feel beautiful and feminine and reminds me how darn cute I am. Especially cute panties ON SALE.

Magic

Time and space, I don't think these are quantifiable. They are greater than we can see.
Last night I got to hear repeated to me once again the same conversation that I've grown tired of. I tried to tell him he is trapped by his mind. Obviously, he keeps repeating to me the same damn excuses. I told him his heart should guide him, because it is stronger than the mind. The heart is where the seed of the soul lies. He listens, he understands, then starts repeating himself. Being a slave to the mind is a weakness. The mind is a tool to use, not a master to reign.
I hear what lies underneath. I hear the yearning, the want. He misses me, he desires me.
The things he wants to change about me speak of things he wants to change about himself. I'm scary. I am dangerous because of how close he is to falling in love with me. Well, it sounds like it's too late. The hooks are already in. The fish is struggling on the line. Maybe he will break free but doesn't seem to struggle with the connection too badly. He wants it to stay in tact, a security line.
And what do I represent? I am a challenge to him on all levels. As for me, I like challenges and find them exciting, but people like their bubbles they've created. They get attached. People like to safeguard their beliefs and their thoughts, some don't like to be challenged.
Today I got to hear him shoe shopping with his friends that are girls. I put my two cents in: "No, she should not get the white shoes cause they will scuff the first time she wears them." I was hanging out with them via me on the phone. Then I started to be torn up inside. He would deny me the luxury of getting to say goodbye, but he gives it so willingly to his friends, and am I not his friend too?
What am I, but objectified in his mind? The thing unattainable by a, b, and c. He would rather me be an idea or a concept. Something on the page. These are just words. They are little more than a thing that conveys the true feelings behind them. Or a mask to cover up those feelings as well.
Conflicted in matters of the heart?
My advice? Just listen.

A Visitation from Dad

Last night in my dreams I found myself inside a house where all the walls and ceilings were wood paneling. It was reminiscent of the walls of the family room from my childhood, but it was as if even this whole dream house was built with it. There was someone else in the house with me. I wasn't scared, I was curious to find out who was hiding from me. I would almost catch him, but he would cleverly allude me, until I finally caught him in his hiding spot behind the door. It made sense it was my father. He has always liked to tease me.
It has been a long time since he has visited. It is nice to know he will still drop by, for sometimes I fear I'll never see him again. We cuddled, like olden days of watching TV together. He soothed my inner turmoil with his presence; it was calming. He patted my back reassuringly and we slipped away from each other as I awoke.
I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to will myself back in to the dream, but I knew even if I went back to dreamland he would already be gone. With no words he had told me his peace. He let me know I was okay, and that all would be okay.

Ringing Words

Tonight, in conversation, directed at me was this question: "So, why do you always go for emotionally unavailable men?" I was floored.
Really? Is this what I'm doing?
I know how he feels but he holds back for circumstantial reasons that I find understandable.
I can easily love from afar. I could easily love him close by.
But would I ever have the same? I've had to listen to my faults laid out on a list which yesterday he discovered had no true validity. Attached to things that don't matter. All but the hair.
The hair color is my own. I earned it. My purple hair is my badge of honor. I worked hard to get to the point where I could walk my walk and love myself for it. I contemplate its disappearance and my heart falls. It wouldn't be for any of the right reasons. It wouldn't be for any of the right reasons at all.

Through my shoes

"It is the conflict of the mind that manifests war. When individuals change, society will automatically change." Ammachi


I remember when I had peace.
Tonight I sank my feet
in to the earth and sighed.
I looked out and saw
all that was orbiting me.

I am a universe of my very own.

After that, I noticed
that I was also
a satellite.
Spinning gracefully
through cosmos.
The ground under my feet
the garden in my view,
the sound of the street.
All these things are with me,
as well as all my feelings
all my self
all my love
it is there with me always
never seperating. Only
detached at times.
A puzzle that needs
put together. A tangled
ball of twine.
This morning I awoke
earlier than I would want.
I thought it was a knock on the door,
but it didn't come again.
I came from a dream
where I was arguing with
someone.
"I deserve this,
I worked hard for this!"
Like the universe
owed me
some entitlement.
Funny that I cling
to the earth
through my shoes.